I’m sad to look back through photo albums & realize HOW FEW pictures there are of me & Sister together.  It only makes sense, of course.  She spit out words at me, I ignored her to my best ability, & there was no way in hell we’d smush into a camera screen together unless we absolutely HAD to.  There is an entire gap between my freshman year of college & this past year where I cannot stumble across a single picture.  In many ways, that breaks my heart for both of us.

Last year, after her 18th birthday, Sister left home for a few months.  I will leave out the details, as that is her story to tell, not mine.   Initially, I did not miss her or her drama.  I was thankful for peace, especially because it coincided with the end of my pregnancy when I had zero tolerance for anything, including emails from Pampers.  (remember that?  when I went batshitcrazy on them & replied “EFF YOU!” to an email at 40 weeks pregnant?  not my crowning moment in life, for sure).   One thing that sticks out in my mind the first day after Harrison’s birth – Sister called me.  SHE CALLED ME.  This was monumental.  This was…incredible.  She was reaching out to me.  & I didn’t pick up the phone.

I’m a bitch.  Say it.  I’ll say it with you – I AM A BITCH.

But in all fairness, I simply did not know what to do with the gesture after 13 years of rejection.  I brushed it off, but at Thanksgiving, staring at her empty seat…I missed her.  I missed her a lot.  I missed her weird, deep laugh.  I missed the grin that stretched all the way up to her cheeks.  I missed her sharp, biting humor.  I missed her sweet heart under the hard shell she put around herself.  & I realized for the first time in 13 years – SHE BELONGED WITH US.  When she moved back home in January, I still remember that first hug – I walked into my parent’s kitchen & saw her standing there.  Looking beautiful & alive & right where she should be.  & we folded each other into a bear hug.

She was home.

A few weeks later, I returned to work & Harrison began “daycare” with The Momma.  We had ALWAYS planned on keeping him out of daycare through January to help fight off flu season since he was too wee for the vaccines.  Of course, Sister was there.  She helped out with Harrison, learned to change his diaper, learned to feed him a bottle.  After January ended, The Momma asked me, “What do you think about Sister keeping him a few more months now that she’s home?”  I had to think about it. Leaving my son with someone I barely tolerated for half of my life?  I talked to Nate about it.  We prayed about it.  We drank beer about it.  & jumping out on a limb, I wrote my first check to my sister as Harrison’s nanny.

Whether you believe in God, karma, or flowers…they all work in mysterious ways.  & Harrison became the tie that bound us.  She became my lifeline to my son during the day.  Harrison helped mold her further into responsibility, & bringing out that sweet spirit she hid for so long.  & one morning over coffee, we cried together as we realized how similar our paths are through depression & life.  How in so many ways, Sister is the only one who I feel understands what it is like to freeze for hours, because you don’t know what to do with yourself.  She realized I wasn’t perfect.  I finally understood the places she felt in her soul.  & when we stood up from that kitchen table hours later, I knew that God had answered my prayer over a long, hard, 13-year wait – I had a sister.

One that is beautiful.  That is fragile at times.  That is strong in the face of every adversity life threw at her.  That has a deep, funny laugh & her own sense of style.  One that is learning the woman she wants to become.  She’s perfect, just the way she is.

At Easter this year, I wrapped my arm around her for the first picture we took together where we WANTED to be together.  & I think it shows:

I even think we’re starting to look alike.  Now, we are sisters.

Not by blood.  Not by marriage.  Not by duty.  But because we choose to be.

& I cannot imagine anything better.  I look forward to so many sweeter years to blot out the past pain.  To reconcile our differences, to celebrate each other, & to really learn & love each other as sisters.  Because we have a lifetime together.