2010 April 13 | Heir to Blair

13 Apr posted by heirtoblair

99% of the time, I am feeling better. Which y’all have noticed, which makes me happy, which makes my psychiatrist happy, which makes EVERYONE happy.

I’m on some pretty kick-ass medications. A high dose of anti-depressents, sedatives, & now seeing my pscyhiatrist on a bi-weekly basis. For the first time, she said “progress” last week.

It made my heart pitter-patter.

Am I looking forward to things yet? Not really. I can fake excitement & I’m happy when the moment arrives, but I’m not quite there to looking forward to anything. But I’m more motivated at work, with the blog, with home (I folded laundry!). Sometimes, I feel hungry. Which is a plus. I’m sleeping better, thanks to the sedatives. I am feeding Harrison, playing with him, enjoying his smile. & I’m starting to feel like Harrison is mine & that he belongs with me, which is a long way from where we were just a mere six weeks ago.

Progress.

& it makes me feel like I am deserving to wear this necklace.

But what do you do on days like today? Today, when I’m not enough. When my medicine is not enough. When prayer doesn’t feel like enough, nor meditating myself onto a beach. Music brings me little joy. I feel achey, draggy…I am depressed. I do not feel like I have progressed.

Do you curl up in bed & sedate yourself from the world, praying that tomorrow will be better? Do you go into work for distraction, if only to sit at your desk with your head in your hands, listening with rage to the mild surrounding noises? How do you escape yourself?

Because I’ve found in my journey that when I feel this way, all I want is ESCAPE. To escape myself. I have screamed so many times, “I JUST WANT TO BE OUT OF MY HEAD” with my hands on either side of my temples, squeezing. Because I cannot stand my thoughts & mere existance. Where I can’t do any of the tools we work on in therapy, where telling myself to JUST STOP does not help.

Today is one of those days. Those days where progress feels too far away & I want to curl up with a jouranl & a big pink pill & escape myself.

There’s an app for that.

13 Apr posted by heirtoblair

If y’all remember back in December, my 1st generation iPod mini finally bit the dust & Nate bought me a sleek & shiny iTouch for Christmas. Good man. I have SO ENJOYED the Apps, especially Words With Friends (if you want to fight, my name on there is Dizzy83 but apparently I keep unintentionally rejecting folks) & TweetDeck.

My new Favorite? The Bump’s baby411 app.

Picture 7 Theres an app for that. If you’re a Bumpie, you can log into your account, or just peruse without logging in if you are a reformed addict like myself

I checked into what will happen at Harrison’s 6-month check-up, which is looming only a few weeks away. Ahh, shots. Weight. Solids. But a nice refresher going into it so I’ll remember the questions I wanted to ask (conveniently saved in my iTouch notes).

& remember my question about sunscreen prior to six months? Well, if I’d had the app, I wouldn’t have pestered y’all relentlessly about it via Facebook & Twitter.

Breastfeeding, Milestones, & even tips on teething (THANK YOU!). My favorite? ”How do I deal with two babies at once?” The reason I am not employed by The Bump? I would have answered, “Gin. Lots & lots of gin. & a good therapist.” My hats off to you moms of multiples!

& of course, the best part is that it’s free. I love free apps.