I know, I know…some of you may be screaming “BLAIR, YOU LAZY ASS. Another guest blogger?!?!” But this one? This one is important.
a) because it includes a picture of a nipple shield set on fire
b) because it discusses breastfeeding from a perspective that is completely different than my own (you know, considering I didn’t even try it).
I get flack for not putting the kid to the teat. That’s no secret – I get it in real life, on the internets, from the old ladies that cluck their tongues when they see me shake up a bottle of formula at a restaurant. But y’all know where I stand on feeding my child. & I thought it would be fair & fascinating to let the “other side” weigh in. & trust me, Diana will have you rolling with laughter with her up-front, honest, no-holds-barred approach to boob education.
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When Blair mentioned having someone do breastfeeding-esque review for her on Twitter – I jumped right on it to see if there was any way she would let me, a newbie blogger, guest post on hers, as she is the queen of mommy bloggers. Even though I was way off on what she was looking for, she was kind enough to take a chance on my writing. I was excited because Blair is the reason I started a blog, and she’s basically the most fantastic mom you can imagine. Even though we are the same age, she is someone I really look up to. How she does it all; work, baby, blog, make time for her (seriously good looking) husband and be obviously great at all of it, is beyond me. Here’s to hoping I do her blog, and her faithful readers, justice:
Breastfeeding. When you think about the images it brings up, most think of a woman tenderly nursing her beautiful baby while they stare into each others eyes – bonding forever. That’s nice. Go ahead and push those images to the side because I’m going to give you the lowdown on the other side of breastfeeding all those books and lactation consultants didn’t tell me.
Before Bella, now 4 months, was born, I was bound and determined to breastfeed. I certainly wasn‘t against formula feeding, but I was staying at home so it seemed like the most practical, economical thing to do. Never mind that I had no idea what I was doing, or that I just skimmed most of the books I was given, I figured women had been doing this for hundreds of years so really, how hard could it be? I knew you didn’t wash your nips with soap, you used lanolin if they cracked, and the pictures showed that somehow your breast would be almost halfway down your kid’s esophagus as they nursed. Although slightly creeped out, I thought I was set.
After she was born, I had a lot of trouble getting her to latch. DH has always called me “gumdrop nipples” and I guess it wasn’t a good thing to be that when it came to having a baby. Enter the nipple shield. I was given one by a helpful nurse. A thin piece of plastic that looked like a flying saucer that attached around my nipple for Bella to have something to latch on to. It seemed to work, and since my poor boobs were becoming more and more sore, it took the edge off. I used it the first day in the hospital, only to have a different nurse on the second day enter the room and look at me in HORROR as I put it on to feed Bella. “What in the world?” she huffed, “Let’s get that baby to latch correctly.” So in her own helpful manner, she proceeded to jam Bella’s head against my breast repeatedly, finally causing both her and I to burst into tears while the nurse looked on in disgust. The last straw was when she banged Bella’s head against the bed rail trying to get her to latch. I told her I’d do it myself after that because I was thisclose to banging her head on it as well. My husband came back from errands after that and I told him through clenched teeth that under no circumstances was that nurse to help me again.
The day we were released, I was told to go home and pump – to draw my nipples out so she could latch easier. I had set up a little pumping station next to a cute antique rocking chair – with water, crackers and the TV, bottles and books. “Nursing Nook” quickly became “Death Chair.” Because pumping kicked in those cramps where your uterus goes down, and no one had bothered to tell me it was like going into labor again. I vividly remember rocking in that chair, hunched over in pain, pump on me, seething in rage as the cramps hit over and over. I felt like killing someone, and poor DH was at a loss. He would kindly ask if he could get me anything or help in anyway, and I would snap, “Get away from me.” My nips constantly looked like I had stood in a blizzard for 5 hours, naked. And then come inside and sandblasted them for fun.
Finally, my nipples cracked, bleeding and chapped, my baby hungry, and everyone worn out, I screamed at DH one night, “For God’s sake, get out the formula and feed her! I give up!” It was then we realized we had no idea how many ounces she would need – and at 2am we weren’t sure who to call. We ended up feeding her some, and then I felt so awful I had to put her back on again and grit my teeth through the pain. I sobbed through each feeding. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, “Someone needs to die for not telling me about this.”
I realize now I definitely had some PPD, but when your Dr. only asks you “Do you feel sad?” you don’t realize you have it. I didn’t feel sad, I felt like murdering someone. Possibly the Dr. Possibly DH. Possibly anyone within arms reach of my Death Chair.
Now hold on – before you soon-to-be nursers completely freak out, it does get better. Eventually. I mean, there are some serious pluses to BF’ing. Like the extra 500 calories a day. Some people use that to lose weight. I use it for dessert both at lunch and dinner. Or for the extra 10 Weight Watchers Points. Then there’s the cost. You can’t beat free.
Also, my boobs are gigantic. Like bigger than my child’s head. I swear, nothing makes you look thinner than a really big ‘ole rack. I fear the time Bella no longer nurses because I know I am going to end up with National Geographic boobs. The kind that you see on TV and you wonder if the woman is smuggling pancakes under the low cut shirt. You know what I’m talking about. How can you go from a C to a E without some pancakage down the road?
I still get nervous nursing in public. Udder Covers don’t do any good if your child chokes and slams their head up without warning. I was at the dealership getting our car worked on in December and this rich old lady kept giving me dirty looks as Bella fed. I ended up in the bathroom stall perched on the end of the toilet praying I wouldn’t fall in. Or drop her in. Imagine having to explain to people your child is soaked and screaming because you just dropped them in the toilet.
Family events were hard for a while- especially with men. I was nursing her in a back bedroom at Christmas only to have a kind, old uncle pop in and cheerily ask if she was sleeping. I answered that I was actually feeding her. His face turned bright red, he turned around so fast he hit the door head on and kept saying, “Oh my, excuse me, I am so sorry.” She was covered, wasn’t like I was going to lift it up and prove it. But I understood that with men, it’s a matter of decency. Even saying the word “nursing” was indecent. Seeing it was akin to catching grandma naked.
I hated that nipple shield. If you can at all go without it – really try. Because it took us 3 ½ months to get her to a point where she wouldn’t need it. It bothered me to have my boobs look like they grew an oxygen tank on them every time I nurse. The sides would fan up and stick to her cheeks. And it was a pain to have to find it and clean it before feedings. Then one day I was at my moms, and I remembered with a shock that of all things, I had forgotten my shield. We had been through this so many times that my mom looked at me with pity and said, “Well, what are you going to do?” I live 30 miles away and my kid was hungry. There wasn’t anything to do but royally piss her off by trying to get her to latch on. It was like making her feed from a basketball, she just couldn’t get it. Amazingly, all of the sudden, after close to 1,000 times of using the shield, she latched. I felt like Pam did from The Office baby episode, only this was really my child.
I stuck with it, and I’m glad I did. Sometimes I let DH feed her from the bottle so he can understand the closeness of a parent feeding their child too – if you’re nursing or formula feeding you know what I mean. I don’t know if I will breastfeed with the next baby, I think that’s a personal choice made by each mom. But there is something about her little hands resting on my breast and patting it as she feeds, in complete contentment. And that picture of a mom gazing into her baby’s eyes? Sometimes it does happen that way. When it does, it’s one of the best times you can imagine. I guess moments like that don’t come easy, or we wouldn‘t appreciate them when they arrive. Now if only I can get her to stop using me as a teether, things would be great.
omg… this had me literally crying laughing! Great work
its interested that both you (BF) and Blair (FF) mentioned getting the side eye in public… can we ever win???
Never. We can never win as moms. Someone is always judging us.
This lady was super old though. So she probably was just squeezing in as much judging as she could before she kicked the bucket.
sorry… I mean interesting…
I feel the EXACT same way!! I have also decided that the reason babies are so effing cute is that Mothers do not pluck them in the head when they clamp down on our nipples so hard it actually causes us to shiver in pain!
this is so funny because I HATED, REALLY HATED the shield! no one told me that there were different sizes and so when i got a replacement i just grabbed one and when my child latched on it was like sucking a watermelon through coffee straw…yowwwzzeerrr!!!
Soooo true!! Breastfeeding is yet another example of extremes in motherhood. It was SOO horrible in the beginning, and hands down one of the sweetest (make me cry just thinking about it) experiences I've shared with my son so far. Great post!
Yay! I'm so excited to be guest posting.
And Drummin QT – I got the wrong size too. So that made it even worse. Like the smallest size there was.
I had basically the same experience!! I didn't use a shield, though, I couldn't find one my size (why every store only carries mediums is beyond me!). I used a warm saline soak a few times a day and my nipples healed by 4 weeks. Now it's totally easy and I am kind of even forgetting how painful it was! I might even do it again with the next kiddo!
Huh, I didn't hate the shield nearly as much as so many other people seem to (although it did get old always having to remember that little blue retainer case I carried it around in). My Bella used hers for nearly 6 months. It happened to fall off when she popped off the nipple for a sec and before I could get it back in place, she latched on without complaint. And you are so right, it was totally that "AHA" moment Pam had!
I LOVE the retainer case idea. If only I had thought of that sooner!
Oh, it really hurts at first. It was 6 weeks of pain for me and then nothing! I think my nipples have been altered forever now… Mine would never take a bottle! I tired to pump to give myself time to heal and I used the shield a couple times.. never really worked for us, but it did take the edge off the pain.
I'm sort of glad those days are over, but mine is weaning now at 13 months and it kinda makes me want to cry lol. Crazy, I know!
With the second baby it is easier and doesn't hurt for very long
( a week or 2) Also the second time around I kinda knew what I was doing( kinda haha I bf for a year 1/2) so I didn't get cracked or bleeding boobies!
Amen! I had the same experience and have just (almost five months now) stopped feeling pain. I just laughed and cried through this post and cannot thank you enough. I also hated the shield. It ALWAYS stuck to her cheeks, slid all over the place, and would sometimes even stay in her mouth when she would unlatch. I have been inspired and am now off to find some matches…
Thank you so much for this! I had to use nipple shields too for my flat nipples and my baby had tongue-tie on top of it! But we made it though and he's 8 months now. I was so happy to get ride of those nasty shields. They were especially a pain at night and they leaked all over! I'm glad you were able to get through too and experience the joyful moments of breastfeeding.
ROFL THANK YOU for spreading the truth! Every mom I know who has chosen to BF has said no one tells you it HURTS like a mo fo when you start trying. So it's great to read about how it's not easy and it does get better with time! Plus your descriptions cracked me up!
I had a similar experience in the hospital. One nurse jammed my kids head into my breast so hard and continually that we both ended up in tears. I told her if she ever touched me or my child again she'd regret it! The hubs actually bitched out the nurse after that happened. So traumatic for a 1 day old baby and a brand new mom!!
Kudos for sticking with it!!
Coming from someone who also had to use a shield (and still do), I can totally relate. As we approach 3 months, baby is getting better about not needing it every feeding, so the thought of being able to burn the nipple shield at the stake is very liberating!
i ROFLMAO when you said your boob was bigger than your kids head. MINE IS TOO!! and when i feed her i can't help but think it's hilarious.
my husband came in about half way through me reading this and was like, "what is so funny?" i guess i was laughing so loud and hard that he felt the need to say something about it……haha great post!
oh my- breastfeeding traumas. why were none of us warned in advance?
great post! i am a new bf-ing mommy, not so much dealing with the pain, but more so dealing with my 8 day old son's obsession with the boobs. he feeds every hour, leaving him and me no time to sleep. please someone tell me this is normal and will change soon enough! i love breastfeeding him but the hour feedings are insanity. thanks for the laughs during this frustrating time.
SO normal. Breastfeeding early on is the most difficult and tiring thing, but eventually he'll space out his feedings. Hang in there!!
OMG, this is great! I'm laughing at the part about the baby patting your breast as she feeds. I have CLAW MARKS on my boobs… my 3 month old gets a little overeager during feeds (and I'm terrified by the nail clippers- they're not trimmed nearly enough). Love the post!
You know I love you, Diana… and you know I had the same nipple shield fiasco. I wish I had burned mine… I kept them out of intense fear of a need to return to them.
Great great post as usual!
I seriously could have written this myself. Great job!
I can totally relate. I used a shield with both kids b.c of a flat nipple. Truth be told? I became an expert and didn't mind it too much, and with my daughter we used it until she weaned at just under a year!
Handy trick: If you wear nursing tanks or sports-bra type nursing bras, when you're done with the shield you can wash it, wrap it in a paper towel, and tuck it into your cleavage. You will NEVER lose it that way!
I am so glad I read this, we had a very similar experience. We weaned from the shield at 3 months and it was hell. I still say that breast feeding was harder than labor and delivery and mine was bad. But in the end I am so glad I pushed through and stuck with it .
Great post! My advice to all expectant moms who plan to BF is to ask around and find a great LC BEFORE the baby is born, and plan to have her (or him
) visit you as soon as you get home. I found a great one after 2 long, miserable weeks and she was wonderful. Also, realize your kid can BF successfully and eat efficiently even without a textbook latch. 9 months later my son's latch is still not perfect, but we make it work.
Oh, and BF is hardly free, at least it wasn't for me. LC fees, shields, latch assists, pumps, lanolin, nursing bras, more nursing bras, hands free pumping bras nursing pillows, nursing covers, nursing books, gel pads, breast pads… I probably still came out ahead but I still dropped a chunk of change on "helpful" BF goodies.
This had me rolling on the floor! I'm nursing my 2nd child and nursing in public has become second nature to me this time around. I did nurse my daughter when I was out under a hooter hider, but always felt self-conscious. Now if someone gives me the side-eye, I say "bring it" because I have an earful for them! I don't know why people don't mind a big-breasted girl with a low-cut top in public but get all queasy when you whip out a boob to nourish your child. Mind boggling….
This literally had my crying I was laughing so hard!
Great job – I had to laugh several times!
Love this post!! Breastfeeding really is so much harder than I ever imagined. I took the classes and read the books. And none of them ever, EVER tell you how hard breastfeeding really is! They only ever give you propoganda on how wonderful it is. Time for the truth to come out!
I loved this! I totally agree with you that no one ever tells you how hard it will be, just that you HAVE to do it. I just did a guest blog on the same topic here: http://www.newparent.com/pregnancy/breastfeeding-…
We are kindred spirits, for sure! And kudos to you for setting that sucker on fire! I'm sure it was very liberating.
Yep, I too had the nurses from hell. My personal fave was the nurse who stood over my bed repeatedly shoving my nipple into my babies mouth for a solid half hour. Awesome. I was given a shield, then guilt tripped by the next nurse, too. I was basically made to feel that the shield was satan incarnated into a small piece of silicone. Well, three weeks later with a baby who wouldn't latch… and voila- the shield was the answer to my prayers. She latched instantly and nursed that way until she randomly went for the bare nips at about 2 1/2 months. Now she loves her some boobs.
Thanks for sharing this- especially with breastfeeders to be. More people have this sort of a start than not. And for me, It's nice to hear that there was someone else out there who went through the same thing.
Kudos for sticking with it! I approached breastfeeding in the same way – didn't worry too much about it or study up, and lucky for me, it was simple, easy, natural – I was the LLL poster child. But from the sounds of it, I was lucky and not the norm. All of my friends have horror stories…
I'm hoping that it goes as smoothly for baby #2, coming in a month!
I agree with above comments – it isn't right that no matter how you feed your child in public, you get the stink-eye. Apparently women with babies who may need to eat at some stage are expected to just stay home, lest they offend someone with their choice of nourishment?
I totally could've written this story myself! Although I did not stick with it. I am a BF-ing quitter and proud of it!
)
Awesome story! So, glad Blair had you write for her.
Hilarious! I still am using the nipple shield after 8 months and I can't wait to destroy that thing!
OMG props to you for keeping up with the nipple shield. Three times trying it and ending up covering myself, DS and the couch in milk was enough to turn me exclusive pumper. You are a rock star. Great post!
I know exactly how you feel about the hospital staff giving you different advice! When I woke up from my C-section, still groggy with much needed and appreciated pain meds, I was told by this pukily cheery nurse that "we're gonna try breastfeeding in about 30 minutes!" My little monkey latched on GREAT that first time, but it was a battle every single time after that, and I was told to NOT give him a pacy at all, so I didn't. Well, here comes Monkey from the nursery after they got through looking him over, and there was a pacy in his mouth! My breastfeeding journey was a downhill slide from that…but reading your post makes me even more determined to keep with it next time around!
This was exactly me! I even had nurses from hell that forced my son onto my breasts, even though he was screaming! I did the whole pumping thing for a month, but sadly, he wanted more food and I couldn't supply it. So formula it was! But I used a darn nipple shield for awhile and it was a p.a.i.n! If I could find it, I would burn it too!
Love this post. While I didn't have a latch problem but a supply problem I can relate to all that is said. It's not as easy for everyone but once you get the hang it gets easier. I am hitting 6 months … my original goal, however I have to supplement formula (about 20 ounces a day) on top of what I pump at work. I really got depressed over it and cried because I felt like a failure as a mother (yeah over dramatic much!) but it's how I felt. Finally I learned every little bit helped and she is happy and healthy and that is all that matters. This post was awesome!
I actually loved the nipple shield. It saved my life. My son had no problem latching on without it though, so it made things easier. He could go from bottle to boob with very little trouble. However I had NO supply, small nipples, and he was tongue tied. He also slept 9 hours a night when he was born which meant he was not nursing. Now we do formula because I literally STOPPED making milk, and I hate it. I hated breast feeding but I loved the benefits. If I could have had enough milk to just pump for a year and give him a bottle it would have been PERFECT. I bond more with him over a bottle then I ever did with him on my boob. My son never looked at me while on the boob, but we get that bonding, kisses and eye contact during ba ba time. And luckily my son latched on like a pro, but I totally would have decked that woman if she had even TRIED to shove my son against me. Luckily, as I said, if it weren't for my damn gall bladder, things would have been close to perfect, and they were on his end. It was me who had the troubles, both physically and in my supply. I fully intend to breast feed again. Formula reeks and now he is up every 4 hours at night.
Oh my. This is so right on. The cramps! Why did no one tell us this. And it gets WORSE with subsequent children. I can't imagine being Mrs Duggar… and the boobs not only sag, they get flat! The picture, … beautiful. Thanks!
It's true it hurts like hell, but you fight through it! For me it was only the first 2 weeks & then like magic one day it was so relaxing. I definitely plan on BFing my future babies too & this time I think I'll go longer than 8 months because shit… formula is expensive!
Great post! Very funny!
I totally relate to the nipple shield hatred. I was offered one when I had my first child because I had inverted/flat nipples. Also, my son just did not want to work for it– he was seemingly cool to sleep & starve. All that to say, I lasted 12 days before I gave up feeding from my actual breast & went to pumping exclusively.
When I had my second baby, I was seriously hoping to be able to breast feed her because pumping is a bitch. When she was born, she made short work of my non-existent nips & got right to eating. I was estatic! Until the pain came– that was something I missed due to the nipple shield & pumping. I believe my lowest-low during those first harrowing days after I gave birth was leaning over my daughter's crib to see that her spit up had blood in it– blood & a nice chunck of my newly extroverted but accosted nipple.
I remember my hubby & I staring at the chunck in disbelief. What neither of us could believe is that I hadn't felt it come off! But I guess that's what happens when it feels like one has red hot jumper cables attached to their teats at all times. I mean, apparently there's not much distinction inthe pain of initial breastfeeding & losing a chunck of one's nipple…
That's where the nifty burn victim gel pads that the lactation nurse came in handy, btw. She taught me how to keep them cool in the fridge & how they would soothe my nips ever so well when I thought my shirt was starting to smoke from catching fire due to my burning nipples. I made sure I had those burn victim gel patches when I had baby number three this past November. In fact, I scored two sets & kept using them even after they were fury from catching stray hairs & lint.
And as for the big-as-yo-baby's-head breasts. Word. I don't know about you, but I was super siked to lose my nine-month belly which would allow me to catch a glance at my feet again. Yeah, no dice. My gi-GANTIC boobs now blocked my view. Rockin' awesome.
That was the most REAL & HONEST account of what breastfeeding is really like. Thank you for that.
The nippleshield on fire picture was the best part of my day today. Had me in stitches.
The day I stopped nursing (at 3 months, due to medical reasons), I took kitchen shears to those nippleshields. I didn't even think of burning them, lol.