Better Living Through Modern Chemistry.
That’s what my family likes to call the process of getting hold of one’s life again through the aid of anti-depressants & anxiety medication. It suits, yes?
& it is amazing.
On a Thursday night two weeks ago, I curled up in our bed, uncontrollably shaking & sobbing under the covers while my son screamed in the other room. The Momma rubbed my cheek & I begged to die. I was not suicidal; I could not imagine harming myself. There is a distinct difference. But I simply did not want to exist anymore. I couldn’t handle the pain. The guilt. The overwhelming sense of failure & lack of control. & I just wanted to disappear. If I could have found the words, I would have begged to be admitted. Somewhere. Somehow. Only for the sweet release of being sedated until I couldn’t feel anymore.
Today, I took a walk during my lunch hour. I felt so full of life. I loved my shadow, felt a spring in my step, felt the warmth of the sun. & cursed myself for ever wishing I didn’t exist. Then I saw these two trees, side-by-side:
They reminded me of myself. One, stark & barren. Desolate. Empty. Struggling in winter. The other beautiful, blooming, changing, growing. Somehow, these two co-exist side-by-side. Polar opposites in the same climate. & to me, they are beautiful. Some day, I’ll be this again:
All blooms.
Yet right now, everything in my life feels like a contradiction. The “light switch” effect of depression, as I like to call it. On. Off. Dark. Light. There are no grey areas. One moment, I’m begging for inpatient. The next moment, I want to crawl into the crib with my son. Eventually, the medicine & therapy will even me out. Until then, I remain a contradiction.
The girl that can post about PPD one day & throw a party the next (albeit with lots of help). A girl with pearls & a tattoo. That wears a dress & sneakers together. & eats a vegetable sandwich while drinking chocolate milk.
Filed under: PPD, the uphill battle
You are a beautiful contradiction!
Your honesty is so refreshing. Hang in there. But stay a little contradictory. Life’s more fun that way
Laura
You are so inspiring. Thank you for writing about your journey with PPD&PPA.
It’s amazing you realize all this stuff about yourself. You are doing the right thing, and those of us who love and admire you, are watching you become the mom and the woman you truly want to be. ((hugs))
This is a beautiful post.
I don’t even know you and I think about how you’re doing everyday. That says something about the power behind your writing. You’re an amazing mama for getting the help you need.
I. couldn’t. agree. more. So proud of you.
Another beautifully written post, Blair. I always appreciate a good metaphor!
I am confident that the bad days will go away soon.
I am glad you are having better days. I hope the good days start to out number the bad ones.
(my virgin post) Thumbs up Blair. It’s nice to see you in full bloom! It looks good on you
::hugs::
Good for you! One day at a time!
I love you Momma! *hugs*
Your honesty is refreshing (hold up…did I just say you talking about PPD is refreshing..hmm…and you think YOU have issues!)
On a serious note, I do believe that your candid, raw, honest remarks about how you are feeling are so important – for you and others. I love reading your site. You are consistently YOU….
Hugs and kisses you rock. The journey has begun and you are well on your way.
This post just makes me want to hug you. You’re doing so great!
Medications rock my world, too. Thank heaven for modern medicine!
Blair, I found your blog through the Bump and comment every now an again. Your blog is my bit of fresh air during the day! Your wit and the way you write your words just make me laugh. I have never been a whitty person. But your serious posts, like this one, make me relate to you. I too am struggling with PPD and PPA. I’m just taking it day by day and I am healing. It sounds like you are too! Keep on blogging about it! and “booo” to the haters!
And I love the tights and sneakers. I did that too when I was working!
I don’t think I could survive without my little happy pill. Each day will get better and better – hang in there. You’re one strong lady.
Blair, many congrats on your progress!! May you continue to heal & feel better!! You are an inspiration, and your honesty is so refreshing….I always look forward to reading your new posts. Many blessings…
I understand that constant uphill chemical battle.. there really is no gray matter inbetween.
We really are so much alike.. pearl wearing tattoo sporting, chocolate milk drinking while eating my healthy choice. Yip, I do the same. Although, I don’t have to wear dresses to work, so I luck out there. I pretty much wear pajamas to work, aka as scrubs.
Big, fat, slobbery hugs. (Wow, that sounded a little….weird.) I can so relate.
(I’m jealous. I want those drugs. Sort of. You know what I mean.)
Love the tights and sneakers. It’s an outfit full of win. And you’re gonna make it through this.
Well said.
Are there really no comments yet? Blair, I just want you to know that I appreciate your honesty on such a taboo topic. I just found out that I’m pregnant (YAY!) and while I hope I don’t suffer from PPD, at least I’ll know I’m not alone. Take care of yourself and enjoy that beautiful little boy.
Through my struggle with ppd I have had many days like these – total contradictions one to the next. I could have written this post word for word!
You are an amazing mother, writer, and person. I have no doubt that you will get through this and be all blooms!
As usual, I love it.
Especially the tights and sneakers. And OF COURSE the vegetable sandwich!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!!!! Youre a fabulous gal! Wanna hang out????
i like this post, it is a good, simple explanation of PPD, although PPD is different in every mom, it’s a struggle within one’s self that makes even the simplest things difficult. After our Lila died, I had some extreme PPD symptoms but never had a diagnosis, it’s just a time in your life you can’t pull it together and lots of people will tell you that you HAVE to… those are the ones who have to be ignored as you do what’s best for yourself and your family. Still sending up prayers for you as you navigate mommyhood for the first time and deal with your mood swings.
carrie b.
http://www.citymom-countrymom.com
Beautiful thoughts, beautiful words, beautiful pictures. You are just a beautiful individual. Keep up the great work – your progress is awe inspiring.
P.S Your sandwich made my tummy rumble. It looks so good!
What you just described …the begging to be admitted, wanting to disappear, that’s my life. PPD sounds a lot like bipolar disorder only PPD is temporary. Thank goodness you’ll be back to yourself again. I know there are a lot of people who know NOTHING about mental illness. Those are the people that will mock you on your blog. Those are the people who will NEVER understand what it’s like to feel like you want to die and the worst part is…you know you’ve got a great life so feeling these feelings creates a palpable selfishness that only makes you feel worse.
I can honestly say that anti-depressants have saved my life more than once. Unfortunately, I will have to take them for the rest of my life. But it’s a small price to pay in order to feel “evened” out and function like a normal person.
I think everyone has contradictions within themselves. It’s those that recognize it that are actually the sane ones.
Whether you realize it or not though, you are already blooming like that tree. We see it right before I eyes on a computer screen. You will see it soon too.
Blair,
I despise PPD, but I absolutely love your posts! I, myself, battled the evil witch – PPD, for an entire year (…and I sometimes question if it’s still lingering.) I truly believed that I was crazy AKA ‘losing it’. I believe that your posts are so inspirational, to others, who are struggling. Keep up the positive outlook – good things are on the horizon!
Janine
hang in there!
Atta Girl!
Perfectly put and I agree!!
This post is beyond awesome. I am always wondering what to do and what not to do so I will follow some of these tips.
I freaking love this post. Get out of my head woman, I feel/felt the same way you do, you just put it into words much more eloquently. Keep your head up. P.S. Are those new balance tennies? Love their shoes
Whew…I have so been there. Doesn’t seem like that long ago…ugh…yesterday. Maybe not yesterday but about a week or two ago. My Q-Tip is 16 months now and I still have days like that. There are tons of contributing factors or “situational stressors”…according to my doctor…that have me up and down like that. It’s horrible. I hate it. It has made me scared to have baby #2 because I’m getting to where I do have more good days than bad now. But still…the bad are BAD. UGH.
I know exactly how you feel and it is a bit of a relief…althought I hate to hear anyone else is going through it…to know that I am not the only one. And it appears there are many like us.
Blessings to you! I will say a prayer for you!
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/2010/03/situational-stressors.html
Hey Blair
that was pretty intense. I don’t have any children, but I have majorly high anxiety. Effexor works for me. I know other bloggers will maybe write about the side effects, certainly if you want to have another kid and have to get off it, but it’s worked wonders for me. I was unable to work a full day. I would just sit and think about things I’d said to people and done. And when I’d go back to apologize, these people wouldn’t even remember what I’d said/done.
I used to think I was having a stroke/heart attack. I’d have pain in my chest…but not really. I finally had a break down at my doctor’s office and he recommended it for me. And, I feel like I’m 18 again, with no cares in the world (I am 31). It’s quite refreshing. All the little things that bother me no longer do. I don’t worry all day long and I’m quite content day to day.
I may be a nutter, but I fully believe in “better living through chemistry”. You just have to find the one that suits you.
)
Hang in there.
k
I second the comment about hoping that your good days outnumber your bad days. Be true to yourself, lean on your family/friends, and don’t take on too much. You’ll be at the top of this uphill battle before you know it.
Smoochies to Harrison.
I second all the above readers about what a well written post this is. I was just diagnosed yesterday with PPD/PPA and this post gives me hope that in a few weeks I will have a spring in my step again (even if only for a few minutes) – instead of feeling like I am wearing lead shoes.
Thank you for being so honest and able to share with all of us out “here”.
all i can say is, if it wasn’t for celexa i would have no friends
You are an amazing being.
I love contradictions in people. And I love chocolate milk.
love u.
I have to thank you because when I read your initial post, for some reason I carried it around w/ me for a long while until I realized that there was a thick veil between me and my little one and my husband. I went on Zoloft last week and I’m hoping I will pull up, but thanks for planting the seed of awareness. I had chalked it up to tired newborn mom; I wasn’t even thinking PPD because the first 4 months were great and all the sudden – TANK.
Totally agree! Those trees are absolutely beautiful. Spring is just around the corner!
Great description of that “I want to die, but am not really suicidal” stage of severe PPD. Boy was I there. Thank you for what you are doing. Honesty, humor, and your beautiful photos= what a treat!
Blessings,
A fellow Survivor Mama and blogger