then you come crashing in like the realest thing
try my best to understand all that your love can bring
oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
that i can’t keep loving you with half of my heart….
~John Mayer
Dear Harrison,
Five months! Where has the time gone? Almost a full season, almost half a year, & I feel like my mind is still blown that “OH MY GOD, I HAVE A BABY!” (yes, sometimes Momma is slow on the up-take) Just today, I started storing all of your newborn and 0-3 clothes into bins in the attic, & washing the 6-9 month clothes just so they’ll be on hand when you soon outgrow your 3-6 month clothes. You are so long & lean & all legs – a little over 15 lbs, you’re pretty average for weight, but you come by that 90th percentile height very honestly. Daddy & I put together your high chair this afternoon while you napped & I stood & stared at it, unbelieving that the little blonde baby we brought home from the hospital is big enough for a high chair, oatmeal, & apples. You are such a funny boy – the other day, Momma held a teething ring over you in the jumperoo & you jumped & jumped & jumped, squealing with delight as you closed in on the teether. Tenacious almost to a fault, you love the outside but hate the sun in your eyes, full of joy, suspicious, a complete attention monger, yet set in your ways…you are the best & worst of Daddy & I combined, but somehow in you it becomes perfection.
Harrison, a lot has happened this past month surrounding you & me & our relationship. I take heart in knowing that you will not remember any of this, & on the days when I feel like I failed you the most, the toothless grins you give every morning tell me that as an answered prayer — you do know & love me as your mother, no matter what my illness may try to make me believe. Sometimes, when Momma has to pass you off & run to the other room, my heart breaks as you look at me with a bewildered stare. ”Where are you going, Momma?” your huge blue eyes seem to ask. But baby, I’m doing what is best for both of us in the long run, no matter how badly it hurts both of us in this moment. Sometimes that is the essence of life & parenthood, as you will one day learn. When you read this later, I want you to know that you are not the cause of this. I do not blame you for me being sick. It is simply part of our journey together & part of our story. The good news is that one day, Momma will be better. You make me want to be better – you are such an inspiration, such a motivation. You give me something to live for, hope for, strive toward, even further proof that you are a gift from God.
Harrison, sometimes I wonder why all of this has happened, but like everything in life, we must keep faith that this has a purpose.
What has been so incredible to watch this month is your blossoming relationship with your Daddy as he takes over more of your care in my stead. The two of you light up each other’s worlds & it makes my little heart pitter-patter just watching you create an incredible father-son bond. He has so much more to give you than just curls & blue eyes, & if anything brings joy to me these days, it is watching you fall desperately in love with your Daddy. Both of you have an incredible knack for making each other laugh – the other night as I held you before your bath, Daddy came sneaking up the stairs & made a funny monster-face & roared at you. I was sure you would burst into tears of fear, but ever-the-boy, you busted out a belly laugh that shook your shoulders until both Daddy & I had tears of happiness streaming down our faces. Harrison, or “Harry” as Daddy has begun calling you, I hope you know what an incredible father you have. You are a lucky boy to have such a strong male to model your life after & I pray that you mold your own life after the example he sets. Be patient, faithful, & loving with your wife. Be robust & funny with your son. Dream of having a daughter to protect. Stand up & sacrifice for your family with a willing heart. Be the kind of man that deserves a son’s admiration, just like Daddy.
I am so thankful for the man he is, stepping up for both of us & carrying our family until Momma is back on track. I hope that in the future, you will also feel thankful & learn that in the depths of this conflict, we are all coming out stronger for each other.
Harrison, I promise to be better for you. Stay patient with me, & I promise that for the rest of your life, I will do my best to never fail you again.
I truly do love you.
Love,
Momma
Harrison, 5 months.
Lovely letter…though I don't think at any point you have "failed" Harrison. He is growing, thriving, smiling, happy and hauntingly handsome…that is NOT the child of a mother who failed him, but rather the child of a mother who loves him more than she will ever begin to realize
Oh SNAP! First comment!!!
I have to agree. You've not failed Harrison at all. By recognizing the signs and getting help, you've done…whatever the opposite of fail is. It'll get better. 'Tis why God invented strong meds and psych degrees.
*sniff*
Will you write a letter to J for me?
Hugs!
So sweet! And that last photo is the best! He's turning into such a handsome little boy!
you have not failed him! Not getting help would have failed him. You are doing right by your adorable son and husband.
You have not failed your son Blair. On the contrary, you are being an amazing and strong mother to him. You are doing exactly right by him, even though it may not feel like it sometimes. Your love for him is evident. Your son is absolutely beautiful. You and your family are beautiful. Just take a deep breath and remember: This too shall pass. Hugs.
Every letter like this makes me cry. What a wonderful testimony this will be to him a few years down the road!
Anyone can feel the love that you have for your family by reading your words. There is no doubting that do you in fact love and cherish your family. You have let others into your world of pain and anguish. For this, I honor you with understanding and support. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Cuteness in the pictures! Love that John Mayer song, btw
It's really fitting…. but just reading your posts… you love Harrison with your WHOLE heart and your readers can tell that. You are awesome for sharing your story on here.
How many times can I answer "Blair's blog" when my hubby asks me why I'm crying, before he starts to think I am crazy? Beautifully written, Blair. You have a precious family, and an obviously amazing husband.
You made me tear up Blair. Harrison and Nate are lucky to have you…and you them. And there are always rough patches in life. The beauty of those is that we have our family and we grow stronger with them. Take care of yourself and know that we're all rooting for you!
You haven't failed Harrison because you're working every day to get well for him. I am sure he will be happy and proud of you when he reads this someday.
You're so blessed. I know it isn't always easy to see it that way, especially when you're climbing mountains instead of having a picnic in a valley. You'll get there.
He's adorable. I am partial to beautiful blond-haired boys with blue eyes
You're doing amazing Mama.
I wish I would have started writing these letters to B as well. You are an amazing mother and Nate and Harrison are extremely lucky.
He's so stinkin' cute it hurts. Amazing letter. I love how full of honesty your posts are. You and your husband are so lucky to have each other and such a gorgeous boy! All the best and love and strength to you while you deal with the demons of PPD/A!
Beautifully written, Blair. Nate and Harrison are as lucky to have you as you are to have them.
A great letter- I still find it amazing that one day you look up and they are all of a sudden 6 months, then a year, then 2. It goes by so fast sometimes you wish you could just pause the whole thing- and maybe fast forward temper tantrums and the like- that would be an awesome invention.
You have NOT failed your son. Not at all.
You are doing what is best for you, for him, and for your family. Always remember that.
Having a sick mommy would never benefit Harrison. It is a wonderful thing that you identified the problem AND got help right away. God bless your wonderful husband for stepping up and helping out so that you have time to heal. It won't be easy, but your support system and your strength are obvious, so I know that you will pull through this.
And you know what? You'll be a much better mom for it. You'll see!
You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, and how can I not say that Harrison keeps getting more and more handsome each day! Great job parents!
ditto on these letters making me cry. you are so eloquent. reading your letters to Harrison – sometimes i swear i can almost hear myself saying it to my little man. you have a beautiful family. and in the long scheme of things, this slice of time in your life will be just that – a tiny slice. don't beat yourself up for not being 100% okay 100% of the time. H will have to learn that it's okay to need help and ask for help. and when you're back (and, dare i say, better), you will be just the person to teach him that.
I've been following your blog, for probably over a year now, but have never commented. I don't know why people give you so much hell, I think you're a very strong woman, and I'm pretty sure you and I were separated at birth at some point, because we are alot alike. This letter made me tear up, thinking of all the tough times I've been through with my own son in the past 6 months since I had him. I am also battling ppd, have been for awhile now, but chin up it gets better. Oh and if people give you hell for that tat you got, they would sure hate the 4 I have lolz! God Bless Blair!
The only failure would have been not to get the help you need. Happy monthday Harrison!
Oh isn't he just darling. 5 months?? Woa. I used to follow your blog on Blogspot and I think I found your blog about a month before you had him. Well he is just adorable!! Your a very lucky Mommy!! That last pic is too cute!!!
There is nothing more heart warming than to see your child's father turn into the softest version of themselves that only your child can bring out in them. You are doing a great job, mama. You haven't failed Harrison. You are doing the exact opposite of failing by taking steps forward! <3
He is so beautiful. And, I cried my eyes out while reading this letter, sitting on my living room floor while I had taken a break from cleaning windows. You haven't failed your son at all, and this letter is proof of that.
So precious. You are not failing your son, you are just shifting your priorities so that you can be the BEST that you can be! Keep going forward!
This one made me cry. I applaud your strength and the sentiment about doing what hurts now for what will be right forever is beautiful.
Well done.
Great, thanks for making me cry
.
I love your sentence "….learn that in the depths of this conflict, we are all coming out stronger for each other."
I feel that this applies to myself and my family right now as well. Thank you for sharing the beautiful, heart -felt words with all of us. Harrison is beautiful and the babies are for sure a gift from God. And God gave him wonderful, loving parents.
Sweetie you have not failed. Hang in there. We are all supporting you and it will get better, slowly but surely. Thank God that you are getting help and being the best mom you can be for your child in every circumstance, which is what you are doing even if it feels like you aren't. Thank you for being the mom I want to be someday. Good for you. These letters always bring tears to my eyes.
Your letters to Harrison each month always get me teary eyed. Beautiful. He's lucky to have you for his mama.
Harrison is absolutely beautiful. I know it must be hard dealing with a little one and having PPD. Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I just discovered your blog from Top Mommy Blogs. So glad that I did!
OMG! Your husband is a KU fan?? Did he go to KU?? I am a HUGE jayhawk fan. Such a small world. Rock chalk Jayhawk!