then you come crashing in like the realest thing
try my best to understand all that your love can bring
oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
that i can’t keep loving you with half of my heart….
~John Mayer

Dear Harrison,

Five months!  Where has the time gone?   Almost a full season, almost half a year, & I feel like my mind is still blown that “OH MY GOD, I HAVE A BABY!”  (yes, sometimes Momma is slow on the up-take)  Just today, I started storing all of your newborn and 0-3 clothes into bins in the attic, & washing the 6-9 month clothes just so they’ll be on hand when you soon outgrow your 3-6 month clothes.  You are so long & lean & all legs – a little over 15 lbs, you’re pretty average for weight, but you come by that 90th percentile height very honestly.  Daddy & I put together your high chair this afternoon while you napped & I stood & stared at it, unbelieving that the little blonde baby we brought home from the hospital is big enough for a high chair, oatmeal, & apples.  You are such a funny boy – the other day, Momma held a teething ring over you in the jumperoo & you jumped & jumped & jumped, squealing with delight as you closed in on the teether.  Tenacious almost to a fault, you love the outside but hate the sun in your eyes, full of joy, suspicious, a complete attention monger, yet set in your ways…you are the best & worst of Daddy & I combined, but somehow in you it becomes perfection.

Harrison, a lot has happened this past month surrounding you & me & our relationship.  I take heart in knowing that you will not remember any of this, & on the days when I feel like I failed you the most, the toothless grins you give every morning tell me that as an answered prayer — you do know & love me as your mother, no matter what my illness may try to make me believe.  Sometimes, when Momma has to pass you off & run to the other room, my heart breaks as you look at me with a bewildered stare.  ”Where are you going, Momma?” your huge blue eyes seem to ask.  But baby, I’m doing what is best for both of us in the long run, no matter how badly it hurts both of us in this moment.  Sometimes that is the essence of life & parenthood, as you will one day learn.  When you read this later, I want you to know that you are not the cause of this.  I do not blame you for me being sick.  It is simply part of our journey together & part of our story.  The good news is that one day, Momma will be better.  You  make me want to be better – you are such an inspiration, such a motivation.  You give me something to live for, hope for, strive toward, even further proof that you are a gift from God.

Harrison, sometimes I wonder why all of this has happened, but like everything in life, we must keep faith that this has a purpose.

What has been so incredible to watch this month is your blossoming relationship with your Daddy as he takes over more of your care in my stead.  The two of you light up each other’s worlds & it makes my little heart pitter-patter just watching you create an incredible father-son bond.  He has so much more to give you than just curls & blue eyes, & if anything brings joy to me these days, it is watching you fall desperately in love with your Daddy.  Both of you have an incredible knack for making each other laugh – the other night as I held you before your bath, Daddy came sneaking up the stairs & made a funny monster-face & roared at you.  I was sure you would burst into tears of fear, but ever-the-boy, you busted out a belly laugh that shook your shoulders until both Daddy & I had tears of happiness streaming down our faces.  Harrison, or “Harry” as Daddy has begun calling you, I hope you know what an incredible father you have.  You are a lucky boy to have such a strong male to model your life after & I pray that you mold your own life after the example he sets.  Be patient, faithful, & loving with your wife.  Be robust & funny with your son.  Dream of having a daughter to protect.  Stand up & sacrifice for your family with a willing heart.  Be the kind of man that deserves a son’s admiration, just like Daddy.

I am so thankful for the man he is, stepping up for both of us & carrying our family until Momma is back on track.  I hope that in the future, you will also feel thankful & learn that in the depths of this conflict, we are all coming out stronger for each other.

Harrison, I promise to be better for you.  Stay patient with me, & I promise that for the rest of your life, I will do my best to never fail you again.

I truly do love you.

Love,
Momma

Harrison, 5 months.