I’ve decided to bypass McFatty Monday this week (but only for a week!) because I think it’s time to finally post this. I think I finally feel brave enough & my God, I hope I don’t regret this by spilling some of the most vulnerable parts of my current life. There may be some people that don’t understand, that feel I can simply “stop” feeling sad. There may be some that want to write that PPD is a crock of shit, that I sound like I am blaming my baby, my job, etc. when I should blame myself. I am not blaming anyone & I am working hard not to blame myself. There is no blame to place, other than some wiring gone wrong in my brain between chemicals & hormones.
But I feel it is important to share & from all the emails I’ve received on the subject, it is fair that I share. Fair to those that pray, fair to those that follow me. Fair to those that wonder in the depths of their souls, “Do I have it?” May this help. Somehow. Help to ease pain, help to open eyes, help to beat down the shame & stigma of postpartum depression.
I wrote this post a few weeks ago, right after the diagnosis. In the middle of the night, when I no longer slept. Trying to figure out, “How the hell did this happen & where do I go from here?” The answers to the first question are coming slowly in therapy. The second answer only has one answer – “Up.” Where am I right now in the battle against PPD? I am seeing a psychiatrist that specializes in Reproductive Mood Disorders, at a specialty clinic. I am thankful for that opportunity. I have been diagnosed with severe Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety. I take both anti-depressants and anxiety medication every day, along with weekly therapy sessions. I am determined to go up from here, with the help of my friends & family & keeping focus on what is most important – my son & my marriage.
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You know those posts where you think you might vomit just thinking about posting maybe, possibly, unlikely, but one day when you’re “strong enough?”
This is one of those posts. Written, not knowing if it will ever be published. Written, quite possibly to be deleted in the near future. Written because most days, I don’t have the guts to admit these.
People want to know about the PPD. Of course they do. They want to know what my “signs” were. How I knew I had it. The sliding backwards, the low point, & the crash. The gory details of how my life started unraveling. They were terrifying to experience. They are terrifying to put into words because they make me face this illness & insanity.
I was depressed from my sophomore year to my senior year in college. A chemical imbalance caused by a mixture of heart medications & outside influences (like my high school sweetheart cheating on me with his class partner. oh, & the discovery of alcohol). A few years on Celexa did the trick sans therapy, but I knew going into pregnancy that I had a massive red “X” on my back for PPD – those with a history of depression are more susceptible to it. & so prior to Harrison’s arrival, Nate & I talked in-depth about PPD. What signs to look for. I spoke to my family about it & to my friends. Asked them to just…keep an eye on me.
& then Harrison arrived. & my God, he was beautiful. & perfect. I was so in love that I thought I would literally explode into a trillion little pieces. Or that I would lie him on a mirror, chop him up into tiny pieces & snort him like cocaine, just to be thatclose to how he smelled after a bath. So many commented on how competent I seemed in real life with him – calm, collected, confident. Like I was BORN for motherhood. & it felt like the most instinctual calling in my life. I never even turned on the baby monitor because I was so sure that I took care of him correctly – there was no room for doubt or need of back-up.
& then the screaming started. & every moment he cried, it shredded down my confidence until every scream was a resounding “BAD MOTHER! BAD MOTHER!” in my ears. I used to lay him in the crib, still screaming, & crawl into the shower for 30 minutes. Turn it up until the water burned me & sob my eyes out. I yearned to return to work, simply to escape him.
Yet when I returned to work, I felt even more despair. I likened returning to work as a “polar plunge” to my entire system – emotional, physical, & just life in general. I did no justice to myself by a) starting birth control & b) beginning a hard-core diet that same week. I struggle not to feel like I brought this upon myself with those decisions. I felt such a state of shock at both work & home that I could not function. I was distracted & forgetful at work. Exhausted beyond comprehension at home. Miserable. Constantly choking back tears & fighting against the guilt that pounded down for leaving my child. I always knew I had to be a working mom at a job I adored & embraced it before Harrison – what the hell was my problem now?? Had I changed that much in 13 weeks? & even if I did, other mothers want to stay home yet go to work – why am I fighting this so hard? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR ME, when everyone else pulls their shit together?! I felt like my head pounded constantly with “bad mother, wife, employee, daughter, etc” guilt and self-hate. & so I would stare longingly at Harrison’s pictures, counting down the moments until 5 o’clock.
But unable to go see him at lunch. I couldn’t handle the guilt I felt for working when I saw him. & I couldn’t handle that in the middle of the day, I felt like he didn’t recognize me. He would cry with me, but then grin the moment my parents walked in the room. Knife, meet heart. Stab & twist accordingly. So I stopped going completely.
& then stopped giving him his bedtime bottle. I claimed it was because that was his time with Nate, but the truth was that I couldn’t handle the emotions. Every time I fed him at night, tears spilled over his little blonde head. I was so sorry that I didn’t go see him at lunch. I was so sorry that I worked. I was so sorry that I wasted maternity leave wishing I was at work. I was so sorry that he didn’t smile for me, that he didn’t seem to know me. I was so sorry that I couldn’t bear to be around him anymore. I was so sorry that he didn’t get a better mother.
One day during the final week of maternity leave, I finally got Harrison to nap after hours of rocking & soothing…only to have Tucker wake him up 10 minutes later, barking at the mail truck. I screamed. & swore profanity that would probably char the devil’s ears. & thought about all the ways I could kill her. & not in the, “ZOMG, I could totally kill my dog! j/k!” way. In the sense that I am eternally thankful that we do not own a gun. Because I would have shot her. When I told Nate that night, he laughed, thinking I was just being my typical overly-dramatic self. I tried to chuckle & tell myself that he was right – I was being dramatic & silly.
But I still knew, deep down, that I would have hurt her. & that frightened me. It is so out of character & not normal.
When I first returned to work, I had a nightmare about driving down a dark road & fixing my hair while I drove. On the radio, they were discussing a man that was notorious for driving while on a cocaine high. Harrison was in the back in his seat & I looked up to see blazing bright lights hurtling towards us. & a crash. The car flipped 3 times & I floated up above it. & woke up panting with fear. It just seemed so real. Every morning commute after that, I pictured that car crash. At first, I felt afraid. & then slowly, the “dream” and the emotion changed. I started picturing a truck, side-swiping the Subaru right into the baby seat. Right into Harrison. & I didn’t feel fear. I felt calm. Relief. Like…THANK GOD.
I’ll pause in writing this so that everyone can say WHISKY. TANGO. FOXTROT. all together now.
& even that didn’t make me run to the nearest mental hospital. Nor did the visions of my mother-in-law dropping him off the top of the stairs. & I would picture every single stair he hit. Or Nate backing over him in the driveway. A daycare worker, shaking him. Or the dog biting him. Because, I rationalized, it wasn’t me hurting him. It was always someone else! I was safe!
& then the guilt would come crushing down. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER HAS THOSE THOUGHTS?! What kind of mother thinks of her baby being hurt & instead of crippling with fear, she replays car crashes in her head? The kind that doesn’t deserve to be a mother. & so two weeks ago, I googled adoption agencies.
You wanted to know my low point? The “crash” that sent off red sirens screaming that something felt off? That was it. I googled options for giving Harrison up for adoption.
It’s not that I wanted to give him up. At all. I just felt like he deserved better. For 24 hours, I walked around like a zombie, wondering what was happening to me. Hiding from the truth that I KNEW was there. On Tuesday night, I told Nate that I needed to call my OB because I “just didn’t feel right” (we’ll call that the understatement of the decade). On Wednesday morning, the diagnosis came.
I’ve started an anti-depressant, working upwards to a “therapeutic” level, plus an anti-anxiety twice per day. & I’m seeing a psychiatrist for both postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. I am praying that they will begin working quickly.
But for now, I still hear Harrison scream when I’m in the shower. Even though he is sound asleep in his crib.
I’ve been a reader of your blog for awhile and never commented before now. Just wanted to say good luck and I’m glad you are taking care of you. I hope your courage to share is able to help other moms going through a similar challenge.
i was so jealous of you at the height of my ppd two months ago. You did look like it was all perfect. Now my heart aches for you. I was so sure I had lost it, I made my husband take me to the psych ward. Luckily xanax knocked me out enough to get through the toughest times. Today I walked 2 miles in the sunshine with my baby. I never though Id get there, you will. Hugs and thanks you for showing us we are not alone.
Just remember that you are not alone.
I live in Canada and just have to thow my 2 cents in about the US. Here we get 52 weeks of maternity leave…….paid materniy leave. We are able to spend those early months with our children and work on routine…….and we can even (hopefully) get them to sleep all night before returning back to work. It sickens me to think that most Americans have to head back to the grind after only a few months off. The hormones, lack of sleep and stress of a new baby is enough to deal with…let alone going to work.
Same as one of the commentors above, I have been reading your blog for a while and never commented but I felt like I needed to comment just to commend you for posting this. It is so glaringly obvious how much you love your son and I am so happy for you that you are getting the help that you need and deserve.
I hope you find the love and happiness and peace you deserve. Thank you for sharing.
You're incredible.
You are one tough cookie for posting this. Keep up the fight … you are doing a great job. What kind of mother are you?? The kind that's getting help. Harrison will admire this struggle and all that lie ahead, one day.
MegMD
thank you so much for posting that. i don't have any kids, but i did struggle with depression when i was in my early 20s. i often worry that when i do have kids ppd will be an issue i have to deal with. i think part of the issue is that everyone expects to have a baby and everything will be all unicorn and rainbows, and people are scared to talk about any negative experience they have. thank you for having the courage to share what i think many people deal with but are too ashamed to be open about. i'm sure that you have helped more people than you will ever know by opening up.
Why would anyone think Blair is an attention whore? She's just an amazing writer that writes about her everyday life. Get over yourself.
It's difficult for everyone sweetie. The moms who make it look easy are putting on a front. I've been there and I'm here to tell you that it gets better and that you are stronger than you realize. Thank you for putting yourself out there and blogging about this. You are awesome.
Blair I wish all the best for you in the world. The first step is admitting you have a problem and you have far exceeded that with this post. I think you will help more women then you will EVER be able to know. God bless you and your family, I pray for a quick and healthy recovery!
“why is it so difficult for me when everyone else pulls their shit together?” DIDDO!! when i asked myself this very same question, it was my come to Jesus moment. i knew something wasn’t right. and i’ve felt almost every single one of the emotions and thoughts that you just so bravingly posted about. good for you to post this, bc people need to know. word needs to get out to new mothers what it’s actually like so they can see it in themselves. you can read me like a book, and we’ve never even met! i hope things start to turn around for you and your family soon. and CONGRATULATIONS to you for being brave enough to post this. you.are.a.saint!
Just one more virtual HUG because you can never have enough! So proud of you and yes, Nate and Harrison are so lucky to have you, and you them.
I had major depression for at least 6 months in college and I, too, was afraid of having PPD and had our situation been different (eg, no maid, no SAHM, no glorious sunshine everyday) I guarantee you I would be right where you are because even though I'm so lucky (believe me, I thank God everyday!) to be in a place where I don't have to do anything but care for my daughter, it is STILL SO HARD!!
Depression SUCKS, but I am still so thankful for the therapy I got because it made me the person I am today and helped me to just deal.
It's a long road to recovery, but you are doing all the BIG things to get you back quickly, plus you have so much support and THAT is huge! You are so not alone, Blair, and you will be a better version of yourself when you've conquered this beast!
Hang in there and keep your chin up! XOXO
Good luck! My prayers are with you and just so you know that was the bravest post I ever read!
{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}} hang in there darling.
Blair – big hugs – You are in my prayers. I am so impressed by your strength to confront these thoughts & emotions and tackle them. You are a supreme Mother.
Reading your post gives me courage and strength to understand that I'm not alone in feeling like a terrible mother sometimes…Tonight my baby cried and cried, and I couldn't do anything to make it better. I just felt helpless, and I felt like I was the worst mother. A mother is supposed to make their child be able to stop crying, right? But I couldn't…Finally, I didn't know what else to do, so I laid him in his crib, and he stopped crying. I know I should've felt better, but I felt so much worse, because I couldn't make him stop, but just putting him down seemed to solve all his problems. I felt like such a failure…what am I or was I doing wrong?
I don't ever want to hurt it, but I just get so frustrated and lose my patience sometimes. I hate it, and I sometimes don't know where to turn, so reading your post gives me courage to understand that I am not alone in feeling like a failure or feeling like a bad mother. I'm not alone, and I will have be able to get through these feelings. I just pray that he will understand that I'm not perfect, and I can't always make things better. I pray that he will love me anyways, and I will find the way to be the best mother that I can possibly be and get over some of these feelings.
And I meant to say "…hurt him" not "…hurt it".
Blair, I've been where you are. But my family talked me out of treatment, saying it was normal and I would get over it. I knew that thinking about my baby girl dying, and deciding that I would actually feel relief rather than sadness, was not a normal feeling. I felt disconnected to her from the moment she was born, to about 6mo of age. She is now almost 3 years old, and I love her more than anything. So hang in there, use your support system, and know that it will get better!
P.S. I did not have PPD with my second, so don't let this diagnosis put you off of having another when you are ready.
Thank you so much for sharing. It was very brave and I believe that you sharing your story will help so many people. I suffer from PPD and it by far the hardest thing that I have ever gone through, but now after treatment, I feel so much better. I wish you the best and I think that you are an incredible person and Mom.
I've followed your blog for awhile, but never commented. I am so sorry you're going through this, but posting this was so, so brave.
I had PPD after my first daughter was born and I can remember sitting in the chair with her, crying and feeling nothing but loathing. I mean, I knew I loved her, but over the top of that was this feeling that having her was the worst decision I've ever made.
I went to the doctor the next day. I STILL feel incredible guilt about those feelings. In the end, I know that she doesn't remember that awful time, though. We have a great bond now.
Good for you for admitting you needed help. Good luck with the uphill climb. It does get so much better.
You are so brave to face the fears and anxieties that have haunted you about Harrison. As I read this post, my throat closed up and I welled with tears thinking of the pain you must have been shouldering. Keep on getting well and know that lots of people are pulling for you.
You are an amazing, strong and fantastic mother – you will get thru this. I think you are so amazing for being so open and honest about something most women still feel the need to hide from.
/hug
You are so brave. The strength you have portrayed by sharing this is beyond words. I had a close friend of mine whom I am positive went through this but instead of seeking help she closed off and we are not longer friends. I became the enemy because I "just didn't understand". I hope that there are women and men out there who read this and are able to face the fear and stigma of this. I pray that you continue to gain strength and control.
Blair it took a lot of courage to post this and I am sure it was incredible hard for you. Thank you for sharing for those who need someone to give them the courage to get the help they need.
Harrison is lucky to have you as a mommy.
Thank you soooo much for your post. You are very brave for posting and for seeking help. I think it is normal for us to all have thoughts sometimes that scare us.
On rough days, I dreamed of going to work and getting away. Why won't the baby stop screaming? Why does everyone else have a happy baby that naps during the day and is happy and mine screams all.the.time and refuses to nap. I also would have mommy visions of car crashes, finding baby dead from sids in the crib wondering how I would tell my husband, just plain nutty thoughts. Luckily, life got better. Good luck and please keep sharing……it reminds us that we all are normal in our little moments where we have mentally checked out.
You are exceptionally brave to share this post and what you’ve been suffering through. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need and hope that by sharing your story some other woman may recognize similar things she’s experiencing as PPD and also seek help. Things will get better for you, and I look forward to your future post one day where you celebrate kicking PPD’s ass and are enjoying life again with your beautiful son and wonderful husband.
It's absolutely amazing and heartbreaking that you are going through this. It is so sad that so many women go through this, but so amazing that you have the courage to talk about it, admit what you felt, and seek help instead of continuing to spiral down. You are an amazing and exquisite person who has so much strength in spirit and mind to do this. Yes, it may have taken you a while, but you did the right thing to take care of the people you love and yourself. You even went so far as to look up adoption agencies for the safety and good of your child, even though your sweet Harrison is wonderful with you. Thank you for being strong and for getting help, for not succumbing to the demons that surround you, and staying wonderful.
I awarded you the happiness 101 award on my blog fallingfromprams.wordpress.com
first time commenter, but you know who i am.
you, ma'am are a tough cookie.
you create a place to share your feelings, and you do… so candidly for all to read. i love that you have the courage to tell [in such vivid detail] the stories of your life. i applaud you for many reasons, but mostly because you are getting the the help you so desperately need.
Blair, thank-you. Thank-you for having the courage to say these things. Thank-you for helping to open eyes, thank-you for being you. I'm so sad in my heart that you're going through this, because I've been there. I couldn't go to Wal-Mart with my baby because I was certain that everyone was going to try to hurt him. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't love my baby, I couldn't breathe. It's the absolute worst thing. You have all of these expectations about how wonderful it will be to be a mother, and then the time comes and PPD hits you like a truck and you're left thinking "What the hell did I do?" You're totally right though, the path is up from here. Acknowledging the problem and seeking help are the bottom- it's only up from here.
Let me just say it again. I truly admire you. You are a good mother, and a wonderful person. Thank-you for being true to you.
My heart broke for you while reading this. I think posting it is incredibly brave. I can't imagine the pain.
I'm in complete tears reading this. I can relate on so many levels it's frightening, yet it's so different. That's the worst part about PPD, every case is so different and so complex. Good for you for getting this out, I sincerely hope you find some answers and peace.
Edith,
A blogger, by definition wants attention on some level. Why would someone post their daily life on the internet if they didn't? But that isn't the only thing that blogging does for people, and I hardly think the intention of this post was to garner more attention.
And while we're on the subject of attention, what exactly does one hope to accomplish by posting something like that? Especially after reading this. You did read it all didn't you? I think there is more than one person here who wants attention.
Blair, I think it's pretty evident that you've already had a major impact with your honesty. I think too many women are afraid to even say PPD out loud, much less put it out there into the world. Good for you. & good for you that you are seeking help.
thoughts & prayers & hugs
I SO applaud you for being brave enough to share this. Having gone through PPD, I can completely relate. It takes a lot of balls to own up to those feelings and seek treatment let alone allowing the entire world to hear the truth about what living with PPD is like. Trust me, it gets easier. Bonding will take some time for you & little man, but you'll get there. Healing thoughts sent your way
Blair, your so brave. You need to know Harrison is lucky to have you as a mom, we all know you love him more then words can even describe. I hope you can feel more like yourself soon.
You should also know, I had those thoughts too. Drove myself at 1am with ds to ER because I couldnt stop. I was told I didnt have PPD and to get some sleep. I didnt start to feel better but have questioned if I got brushed off too easily, everyday. Its not as bad as it was but every little twinge or change of mood I think about it. Thank you for putting it all out there, for ppl who wonder if they have it and for those who think it doesnt exist. Were all praying for you.
My first reaction was "I'm so proud of you" but then I realized that doesn't make a lot of sense since I don't know you. But I am proud of you, you are a brave woman and a gifted writer.
PPD is so real, yet many can't put it into the words that you just did. Those check boxes don't reasonate but your post does.
Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being a blog writer who shares her life on the internet.
I am so proud of you yet my heart is breaking at the same time. You WILL get through this. You WILL be ok. You are not crazy, you are real. I admire your strength and honesty.
Harrison is lucky to have a Mommy that knows when to seek help. Good for you.
I know that wasn’t easy for you, but thank you for posting that. You have been through such an enormous amount in the past year and you deserve to feel like the wonderful, glowing, competent, happy mother that we all know that you are. I hope relief comes soon for you
Oh Blair, darling, my heart is broken into a million pieces over you. I am a follower of your blog and remember feeling so scared for you when you were going back to work, starting your diet, and starting the dirty day shred. I thought “when is she going to take care of herself, instead of everyone else?”. I was worried bc of my enormous struggle when I returned to work, and I figured it would be awful for you too. Hang in there. You will heal, and you’ll be the mother who you want to be. H is lucky to have you as a role model — someone who faces her problems head-on and doesn’t quit until she’s better. You seem so strong (albeit a bit broken) and I hope you feel the sunshine soon!
why Why WHY DID YOU GET A TATTOO WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MENTAL BREAKDOWN?!?!?!?!
You can’t summon the strength to give your kid a bath or put him to bed and you thought NOW was a good time to permanently mark up your HEAD?!?!?!?!
You think NOW is a good time to put something on your body that will undoubtedly show when you are a little 80 year old lady in ‘the home’?!?! WHY the hell did your friends/husband/family let you do this?
Jesus, just shave your head already, Britney.
“Some assholes will probably jump on you about this post or think judgy things in the back of their minds, but shame on them.” ~Lurker, a few comments back
Funny how you’ve changed your tune so quickly. Or, if you like, I’ll just go ahead & assume that you have rightfully called yourself an asshole. After all, this post was about self-realization & facing the truth of our own inadequacy & vulnerabilities. I am so thankful that I helped you find yours! smoochies.
Hey, I'm not judging the appearance of the tattoo itself or even the decision to get one at all. But it's more than a little concerning that the people near you who you claim are worried about you as they watch you unravel would allow you to do something like that when you are in the throes of a mental breakdown. You're putting it out there for internet trolls, but I happen to have a master's counseling as well as degrees in psychology and sociology. And I suffered from PPD twice. Getting tattoos or piercings at a time of crisis is not unlike self mutilation. I would hope that those close to you would recognize this and give you help in that area, not just by taking your parenting duties off your shoulders or hiring a housekeeper.
Also, I'm amazed at the speed at which you responded to each of my comments. Aren't you East Coast time? Getting adequate sleep (or even just rest, if you have trouble sleeping) is vastly more important than stalking your blog.
Please, please, please get serious about helping yourself. The first few months are so important for bonding. Babies bond with those who provide them the most basic, routine care. Please get yourself to a place where you can help provide that- the blogging can wait.
Lurker,
If you can't stand reading Blair's blog, then don't. Simple as that. Why waste your time reading something that you simply can't stand?
Also, I too am a breastfeeding, all organic, homemade baby food making, co-sleeping mom and by no means do I feel like because of those things that I can't relate to Blair. We are all first time new moms at some point, and learning as we go. Who are you to judge and who are you to know what is BEST for EVERY baby? Masters degree or not, that does not by any means make you a better mom then someone else (or, knowing what is best for someone and their family). You are what give us "breastfeeding" moms a bad name, thinking that we know everything and we know whats best. You should be so embarrassed by your behavior and comments on this blog.
Blair, thank you for sharing this. I am so glad that you are getting the help you need. Harrison will have unconditional love for you, no matter what. You are his Momma and he knows that. Hugs to you during this difficult time.
Thank you, Corinn.
& I hope you're willing to give me tips on making my own food here in a few months!!
Yes! I would love to give help when it's time. It's really easy, and inexpensive, too! My son is 7 months old and is just now starting to enjoy other foods.
I hope you are having a good day today
I think what I love best about this Lurker person is that they say they have a degree in counseling and yet they are berating you. Sounds like they're gonna make one fine therapist.
THIS!
Any decent mental health professional would understand that people vent/heal/solve problems in a variety of ways. And being as how Lurker only reads your blog and has had NO clinical experience with you, she should know that she is NOT qualified to make the assertions she has, degrees or no. I'm just gonna throw it out there that A) She's lying about her education and B) SHE IS THE TROLL she is "warning" you about.
Blair – not that you know me or should take particular stock in my opinion, but I think you are a Godsend. You have the courage and fortitude to expose your very worst thoughts, and in doing so make all of those who can relate feel like they are just a little more human than they gave themselves credit for. I believe your motives are pure, to help others, not narcissistic in the least.
150 comments later…. people clearly love and support you. Add me to that list…
settle down for a random but semiconnected story time.
::: I have been racking my head trying to find a decent research project for college that is relevant and interesting. I read your blog, over and over, struck by the honesty and intrigued by the topic. Now- I have chosen PPD as my topic. You are effecting parts of the world without even knowing it!::::
I know you have already received so many comments on this, and people are telling you how strong you are and so forth. But I just wanted to say Thank you for writing this. I to have written similar posts, and felt utterly alone, and embarrassed. More people need to come forth and be honest and talk about it. I commend you for admitting to wanting to "hurt" your son-I realize how absolutely horrible that must have been to write, I have vivid memories of pulling over my car, just sobbing because I just NEEDED to crash my car, I would hide in the shower to get away from my daughter's screams, or hide on the porch sobbing, thinking of ways I could escape.
Anyways, again, thank you for writing, I hope that your days become more manageable – as my anti depressants have done for me.
-Chelsea
Thank you so much for posting this. I admire your honesty and your courage. I recently started therapy to help me cope with some things and it was a great choice. I'm glad you are getting the help you need and know you will come through it all.
This was scary to read but I applaud your honesty and I thank you for sharing. You are a great mom, and I hope soon you come out on the other side of this rough time. All the best.
I have been reading and enjoying your blog since Harpie and was so happy for you when you were pregnant with Harrison. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and will make a book recommendation. Even if you barely have time to read it maybe see if it's on tape and listen to it on your way to work or wherever. It might have some of the answers you are looking for.
The Mood Cure by Julia Ross — also look for an interview and podcast with Julia and Sean Croxton from Underground Wellness. I wish you all the best! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/undergroundwellness
Blair, I only had a brief flirtation with the Baby Blues after my Nellie was born nearly 7 weeks ago and I cannot imagine how you are feeling or what you are going through. The first two weeks of my daughter's life were so stressful.. I was sleep deprived, breastfeeding and getting approximately 4 hours of sleep a day and adjusting to my husband's new 12 hour overnight shifts (essentially caring for a newborn ALLBYMYSELF).. I remember one night when Nellie was crying and nothing would help I sat in her rocker with her and sobbed at the top of my lungs. I wailed right along with her, pleading her to just "shut the hell up" (my own words). I sobbed and wailed my feelings and emotions and the only ones there to hear were me, my baby and our two perplexed cats..
My brain jerked itself out of the blues once I started getting a little more sleep and help. I can't imagine how frightening the things you've been through are. Thank you for the insight and look into your world, and good for you for being ballsy enough to post this. You are doing the right thing by getting help and this makes you a good mother to your little boy. Don't get down on yourself too badly.. You're doing great. Hugs to you and your family.
Blair, oh Blair. I'm really proud of you. I think you're like me. It feels good to get it all out and just be brutally honest on your blog. I recently had a sort of "coming out" on my blog. No, I'm not gay. I'm bipolar . . . which many people would probably consider really crazy. There are different spectrums of bipolar and I am considered to be high-functioning with my BP but I have suffered from depressive episodes from the time I was 15 and even displayed signs of the illness during my childhood.
It hasn't been an easy road at all. I, like you, was completely prepared to suffer PPD after my son was born. As luck would have it, I didn't. I was overwhelmed but the happiest I have ever been. Unfortunately, I haven't been so lucky the second time around. I'm still pregnant and suffering with a depressive episode. I'm on medication and in therapy, which is par for the course for me. I wrote about it on my blog. If interested it is under the label "depression".
I really feel for you. Just know that you WILL come out of this. And you'll be all the better for it. You'll be stronger, wiser, healthier . . . you already took the first step. Admitting you have it and the second step, which is seeking help.
You are so right about this being a chemical imbalance. This in NO WAY measures how good of a mom or person you are or can become. People who have never suffered from depression or anxiety just have NO CLUE. You're bound to get your ass bit by a few people for posting this but who cares. It helped me to write about it on my blog and I'm sure, as a writer, it helps you too. There's nothing you did wrong. It's not your fault. It's just one of those little struggles that God throws our way so that we are able to recognize the GOOD times from the BAD.
(((e-hugs)))
Wow.. I am so in aw of you for posting this!
I wish I would have had a blog when Ace was born. I didn't have PPD but I did have lots of questions and stories.
You have no idea, I'm sure one day in Heaven many many women will tell you how you have helped them and touched their lives.
I respect you so..
And you will beat this! You ARE a good mother!!
You are so incredibly brave. And Harrison is lucky to have you as a mom.
Next to Dooce's book, this is the best description of PPD that I have ever read. Thank you for sharing this. You are very brave. I hope that your life is filled with light soon.
thank you for posting this…i hear evan cry when i'm in the shower, or when i'm drying my hair, just about every day. i'm going to be keeping close watch on myself for other things now.
Blair, I've been reading your blog for months and months…I have always enjoyed your posts and your blog is one of my favorites. I just read this post and it brought tears to my eyes. I am sorry you're going through this and i'm really glad you're getting help for it. It took a lot of courage to post it, and I'm really glad you did. Thank you.
Blair, you know I made the mistake of having every follow up comment emailed to me when they are posted..lol..I did not know how popular your blog is. But it also makes me feel very happy for you because of all the support you have gotten. Minus a few negatives. I say keep writing your blog, its your outlet and keep reaching out! Its a great way for healing and for other moms who may be scared to reach out because of all that is involved. Good luck on your road to recovery. Hugs and Prayers to follow!
Long-time follower, first-time responder. I have a six month old and fortunately I’ve never experienced PPD, but your story has touched me in so many ways and I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you everything will be OK. Because it will be. I can tell how much you love H…& now you’re getting the help you need for yourself and your family. Thank you for sharing this with us, as tough as it may be. Who knows how many countless new moms going through the same thing that you’ve given strength & courage to. Hang in there, honey.
Just wanted to offer more love. We had some pretty awful times with DD and reflux. I lost track of how many times I fell asleep at 3am on the floor, still bouncing her swing and crying. For weeks after we brought her home, I wanted to return her to the NICU. And I can say I definitely do not and have never had PPD. Sleep deprivation, stress, and reflux can do bad things to a person. I'm glad you recognized you were in trouble, and I'm glad you're speaking out here. This will be the 175th comment on this post – people are listening, and I'm sure you've helped some.
You’re so brave to share this with the world! You really could write a short story about your experience and have it published. . .it would help so many people and be therapeutic for yourself! You sound like you’re on the right path now and there’s only one way to go. ..up. Best wishes on a speedy recovery!
I am so sorry. You’ve been through hell. I’m wishing you a speedy recovery to your wonderful, normal self.
Thank you for sharing this. I know this will help other people.
I know how hard this was to write and how much harder it is to be going through it. You are having classic symptoms and very common thoughts–they seem horrible, but they're not you. It's the disease. Those terrible visions are the disease. I too thought all the time about giving my baby up for adoption while going through PPD and PPA–not because I didn't love him, but because I thought he deserved better.
It's impossible to imagine right now, but this WILL go away with time and treatment. THANK YOU for joining the voices of women who are willing to tell the truth.
been there, done that. didn't blog about it. but you did, and I respect you for that. because sometimes, even if you're waiting for it (like you were)…even if you're looking for it (like you did)…it still sneaks up on you. and suddenly, you ARE thinking those crazy thoughts about death and dying and motherhood. but you know what, you are NOT crazy. but you do need help
)
and the only way to get it is to realize that you're not crazy but you do need help. like you did…like I did. theres nowhere to go but up–you said it girl.
I know this is really late, sorry I’m just now commenting. Just wanted to commend you – for getting help, for taking care of yourself, and for sharing your experiences.
Good God Honey I am so sorry! This post breaks my heart that you have had to feel this way.My anxiety with being a new mother drives me absolutely bonkers… I can't imagine having it at the extreme to which you have had to endure it. I came across your blog before I came across you on the bump and your spirit has always been so wonderful. That being said, I know it has to be so hard to admit to YOURSELF that this had gotten out of your control. I want you to know, and I don't have time to read over all of your replies (although how awesome of everyone to be so supportive of you!) to see if I am repeating anyone, that although I don't know you face to face.. I feel like I really like the person that you are just by your blog.. You also need to know that you have the strength of thousands… you will fight through this and look back and feel so accomplished. The fight within yourself, you are already winning honey… by getting help.. The strength you had keeping yourself under control before admitting anything wrong, the strength you had to admit it, and the strength that it is taking for you to get back to your beautiful self… that is more strength then I think most people have. Good luck to you honey! I have a 3.5 month old and see you on the bump from time to time…. I can't wait to read about your PROGRESS as you continue going UP, as you stated. You are a great person, keep working hard! We all support you!! My email is in my comment information… I know you probably have one million people to talk to
but put me on that list as well for being your support. Take care dear!
I think you are very brave to post this Blair. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am glad you are getting help. Good luck with your recovery.
hang in there.. life's a bitch..
♥♥
God bless you, Blair. It is like I told you before, I knew you would give a much needed voice to PPD/mental illness and you did! Your courage is inspiring! Thank you for trusting us all with this information, I can only imagine how difficult this was to write (and more importantly post) and how many people will be helped by it. I continue to hold your family up in my prayers! –W
I know this is the 182th comment or whatever. But I really hope you get better soon! This is the first I’ve sat down and read your blog though I’ve seen you on the Bump since 3rd tri.
Thinking of you and hoping this all will soon be in the past!
Honey, I am truly sorry you've had to go through the fire to get to where you are. I can't imagine what you were going through. I've been through depression and anxiety before, but not to your level. I went through the blues after coming home from the hospital, but that pales in comparison to what you've been through. I can't begin to try to understand how it made you feel. Your words had my heart breaking for you.
I've secretly hero-worshipped you since waaay back when I first discovered BOTB about 5 or 6 years ago. I know you have waited and wanted for a long time before Harrison. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! You're getting the help your child needs you to seek. That is what counts. You recognized what was happening, and took action towards getting better. Now, I hero-worship you even more for having the courage and honesty to write this post.
I truly hope no one out there has anything negative to say about your post, or the way you were feeling. It wasn't really you feeling that way, having those thoughts. It was the depression talking, driven to the brink and back by your child's suffering and inconsolable crying and the thought that Mommys should be able to fix everything, even when it's something like reflux that may not ever be completely fixed.
I think any mother out there who says they haven't ever done or thought something, and then seriously wondered for a moment if they had "lost it" or not is either still in a state of not recognizing it or they're a big, fat liar.
You may very well be the bravest person I "know". Hang in there. We all love you, and wish the best for you.
Thank you for writing this. I'm a postpartum depression survivor, and I can imagine the courage it took you to write this post. And then to hit "publish."
Things WILL get better. I sure didn't believe this two years ago, but now I know it to be true. You WILL feel better.
I'm so glad I discovered your blog today! You've got a new fan!
I'm glad that I found your blog today. I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone with the ppd or anything like that at all which i'm sure you knew.
I am a single mother because my husband decided he doesn't want to be a husband and father anymore. HE came back but when he did I knew that it was wrong. long story short – he is psychologically abusive and physically violent.
SO my kids and I live with my dad. I work from home – I blog and I make marshmallows and sell them.
I am bipolar
I Suffer from social and general anxiety disorders.
I have PTSD
After my son's birth a year ago I had PPD.
Mymedication is still not right.
Dunno why i chose to comment except to tell you that I read your post and that I hope you feel better and i hope you feel more yourself soon.
You are super brave for writing that! It's tough to write I wasn't too bad with PPD but I do know the feeling of not feeling good enough! Thank you for your honesty!
Blair – what an inspiration you are to so many mothers because of your honesty, courage, and determination to make things better for your family. I cannot imagine how difficult it has been to go through what you have, and then to authenticate it by penning this blog. But you WILL get through this girlfriend!
You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Keep up your amazing writing! You are such a talent.
God bless you and your family!
Love,
Esquiremomma
p.s. That Harrison is GAWGUS.
Blair – I first want to say thank you for posting this. I too have PPD and have struggled with many of those same feelings. Being a working mother is HARD…and people who have not dealt with PPD do not understand it. I was having a hard time with work and my mom thought I was just being overly sensitive. Now that she knows I have PPD she has put her foot in her mouth and helps me out when she comes into town.
I have posted about me having PPD, but I have not had the strength to admit some of the things you did in your post. I have admitted them to myself, but not others – not even my husband.
If you EVER need to talk, you know where to find me.
Love, Tri
Thank you so much for your blog and your frank discussion about motherhood and PPD. I'm new mom with a 4-1/2 month old son at home, and I too have struggled with PPD. My struggle hasn't been anything close to your level, but I can relate to the sleepless nights (while baby and Daddy are peacefully snoozing), violent mood swings and the anxiety. Oh the anxiety. Your blog has made me admit many of the same thoughts/feelings that I hadn't even been able to admit to myself! The hardest part for me about the PPD is that my husband didn't get it. He is wonderfully supportive, but I don't think his male head could wrap around the idea of a problem that couldn't be fixed by exercise or an outing with a girlfriend. It's so wonderful to read your blog and know that I"m not alone. You are a wonderful writer!
Thank you for this entry, I just googled Postpartum anxiety dissorder and found you. I have finally given in and will get help. I have been having those horrible scary imaginations you speak of and am so sick of it. It's like watching a horror movie in your head always involving something horrible happening to your baby! It's so scary and makes you feel like a "freak" that you could think those things! Ugh! Thanks again!