I’ve decided to bypass McFatty Monday this week (but only for a week!) because I think it’s time to finally post this. I think I finally feel brave enough & my God, I hope I don’t regret this by spilling some of the most vulnerable parts of my current life. There may be some people that don’t understand, that feel I can simply “stop” feeling sad. There may be some that want to write that PPD is a crock of shit, that I sound like I am blaming my baby, my job, etc. when I should blame myself. I am not blaming anyone & I am working hard not to blame myself. There is no blame to place, other than some wiring gone wrong in my brain between chemicals & hormones.
But I feel it is important to share & from all the emails I’ve received on the subject, it is fair that I share. Fair to those that pray, fair to those that follow me. Fair to those that wonder in the depths of their souls, “Do I have it?” May this help. Somehow. Help to ease pain, help to open eyes, help to beat down the shame & stigma of postpartum depression.
I wrote this post a few weeks ago, right after the diagnosis. In the middle of the night, when I no longer slept. Trying to figure out, “How the hell did this happen & where do I go from here?” The answers to the first question are coming slowly in therapy. The second answer only has one answer – “Up.” Where am I right now in the battle against PPD? I am seeing a psychiatrist that specializes in Reproductive Mood Disorders, at a specialty clinic. I am thankful for that opportunity. I have been diagnosed with severe Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety. I take both anti-depressants and anxiety medication every day, along with weekly therapy sessions. I am determined to go up from here, with the help of my friends & family & keeping focus on what is most important – my son & my marriage.
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You know those posts where you think you might vomit just thinking about posting maybe, possibly, unlikely, but one day when you’re “strong enough?”
This is one of those posts. Written, not knowing if it will ever be published. Written, quite possibly to be deleted in the near future. Written because most days, I don’t have the guts to admit these.
People want to know about the PPD. Of course they do. They want to know what my “signs” were. How I knew I had it. The sliding backwards, the low point, & the crash. The gory details of how my life started unraveling. They were terrifying to experience. They are terrifying to put into words because they make me face this illness & insanity.
I was depressed from my sophomore year to my senior year in college. A chemical imbalance caused by a mixture of heart medications & outside influences (like my high school sweetheart cheating on me with his class partner. oh, & the discovery of alcohol). A few years on Celexa did the trick sans therapy, but I knew going into pregnancy that I had a massive red “X” on my back for PPD – those with a history of depression are more susceptible to it. & so prior to Harrison’s arrival, Nate & I talked in-depth about PPD. What signs to look for. I spoke to my family about it & to my friends. Asked them to just…keep an eye on me.
& then Harrison arrived. & my God, he was beautiful. & perfect. I was so in love that I thought I would literally explode into a trillion little pieces. Or that I would lie him on a mirror, chop him up into tiny pieces & snort him like cocaine, just to be thatclose to how he smelled after a bath. So many commented on how competent I seemed in real life with him – calm, collected, confident. Like I was BORN for motherhood. & it felt like the most instinctual calling in my life. I never even turned on the baby monitor because I was so sure that I took care of him correctly – there was no room for doubt or need of back-up.
& then the screaming started. & every moment he cried, it shredded down my confidence until every scream was a resounding “BAD MOTHER! BAD MOTHER!” in my ears. I used to lay him in the crib, still screaming, & crawl into the shower for 30 minutes. Turn it up until the water burned me & sob my eyes out. I yearned to return to work, simply to escape him.
Yet when I returned to work, I felt even more despair. I likened returning to work as a “polar plunge” to my entire system – emotional, physical, & just life in general. I did no justice to myself by a) starting birth control & b) beginning a hard-core diet that same week. I struggle not to feel like I brought this upon myself with those decisions. I felt such a state of shock at both work & home that I could not function. I was distracted & forgetful at work. Exhausted beyond comprehension at home. Miserable. Constantly choking back tears & fighting against the guilt that pounded down for leaving my child. I always knew I had to be a working mom at a job I adored & embraced it before Harrison – what the hell was my problem now?? Had I changed that much in 13 weeks? & even if I did, other mothers want to stay home yet go to work – why am I fighting this so hard? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR ME, when everyone else pulls their shit together?! I felt like my head pounded constantly with “bad mother, wife, employee, daughter, etc” guilt and self-hate. & so I would stare longingly at Harrison’s pictures, counting down the moments until 5 o’clock.
But unable to go see him at lunch. I couldn’t handle the guilt I felt for working when I saw him. & I couldn’t handle that in the middle of the day, I felt like he didn’t recognize me. He would cry with me, but then grin the moment my parents walked in the room. Knife, meet heart. Stab & twist accordingly. So I stopped going completely.
& then stopped giving him his bedtime bottle. I claimed it was because that was his time with Nate, but the truth was that I couldn’t handle the emotions. Every time I fed him at night, tears spilled over his little blonde head. I was so sorry that I didn’t go see him at lunch. I was so sorry that I worked. I was so sorry that I wasted maternity leave wishing I was at work. I was so sorry that he didn’t smile for me, that he didn’t seem to know me. I was so sorry that I couldn’t bear to be around him anymore. I was so sorry that he didn’t get a better mother.
One day during the final week of maternity leave, I finally got Harrison to nap after hours of rocking & soothing…only to have Tucker wake him up 10 minutes later, barking at the mail truck. I screamed. & swore profanity that would probably char the devil’s ears. & thought about all the ways I could kill her. & not in the, “ZOMG, I could totally kill my dog! j/k!” way. In the sense that I am eternally thankful that we do not own a gun. Because I would have shot her. When I told Nate that night, he laughed, thinking I was just being my typical overly-dramatic self. I tried to chuckle & tell myself that he was right – I was being dramatic & silly.
But I still knew, deep down, that I would have hurt her. & that frightened me. It is so out of character & not normal.
When I first returned to work, I had a nightmare about driving down a dark road & fixing my hair while I drove. On the radio, they were discussing a man that was notorious for driving while on a cocaine high. Harrison was in the back in his seat & I looked up to see blazing bright lights hurtling towards us. & a crash. The car flipped 3 times & I floated up above it. & woke up panting with fear. It just seemed so real. Every morning commute after that, I pictured that car crash. At first, I felt afraid. & then slowly, the “dream” and the emotion changed. I started picturing a truck, side-swiping the Subaru right into the baby seat. Right into Harrison. & I didn’t feel fear. I felt calm. Relief. Like…THANK GOD.
I’ll pause in writing this so that everyone can say WHISKY. TANGO. FOXTROT. all together now.
& even that didn’t make me run to the nearest mental hospital. Nor did the visions of my mother-in-law dropping him off the top of the stairs. & I would picture every single stair he hit. Or Nate backing over him in the driveway. A daycare worker, shaking him. Or the dog biting him. Because, I rationalized, it wasn’t me hurting him. It was always someone else! I was safe!
& then the guilt would come crushing down. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER HAS THOSE THOUGHTS?! What kind of mother thinks of her baby being hurt & instead of crippling with fear, she replays car crashes in her head? The kind that doesn’t deserve to be a mother. & so two weeks ago, I googled adoption agencies.
You wanted to know my low point? The “crash” that sent off red sirens screaming that something felt off? That was it. I googled options for giving Harrison up for adoption.
It’s not that I wanted to give him up. At all. I just felt like he deserved better. For 24 hours, I walked around like a zombie, wondering what was happening to me. Hiding from the truth that I KNEW was there. On Tuesday night, I told Nate that I needed to call my OB because I “just didn’t feel right” (we’ll call that the understatement of the decade). On Wednesday morning, the diagnosis came.
I’ve started an anti-depressant, working upwards to a “therapeutic” level, plus an anti-anxiety twice per day. & I’m seeing a psychiatrist for both postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. I am praying that they will begin working quickly.
But for now, I still hear Harrison scream when I’m in the shower. Even though he is sound asleep in his crib.
I just wanted to say that I admire you for having the courage to post this. You have no idea how many mothers you will help by getting this out there, even though I'm sure it's extremely tough to write.
* Wishing you the best *
Thank you for sharing that, Blair. And thank you for seeing your low point, and getting the help you need.
This must have been incredibly hard to share, but hopefully this will help other women out there realize their symptoms as well.
Take care of yourself, Blair!
I had my daughter a year before you had your son, and I went through many of the same emotions as you. Not to the same level, thank goodness, and luckily I was able to get through it. I applaud you for 1. being so honest with yourself and with your family, and 2. for being so honest with your readers.
So many people like to paint a perfect picture of their lives with a newborn, and it takes courage to stop and say, NO, it isn't as easy as everyone says it is. Good luck to you, and I really hope you start to feel better quickly.
ps…from what I've read on here, your son has a wonderful mother!
Oh honey. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I can't even begin to describe it and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I will be continuing to pray for you and if you need anything at all, even a day away, you let me know.
(Hugs)
Oh honey…I'm so sorry. That's all I can say.
I know a lot of people will not understand this post. They won't understand unless they've suffered from some osrt of depression before. Because no one can truly understand the completely bizarre and irrational thoughts that go through your mind when you suffer something like this.
I luckily escaped PPD, even though I have a long history of anxiety and depression. I can remember (back when I had problems) thinking how easy it would be to run my car off the road and make it look like an accident. Like I said COMPLETELY bizarre, irrational, scary thoughts.
I teetered on the edge a couple of times after Lila was born (close enough that my husband mentioned maybe I should talk to someone – that my behavior felt "familiar"). Fortunately I was blessed with a very content and happy baby who made things relatively easy on me.
I can't imagine what you have gone through with the colic and reflux issues. You're a good mama just for getting help. My heart goes out to you. You will survive this. You will conquer this. Good luck, and many thoughts and prayers your way. This too shall pass.
This makes me sad; sad for you, sad for Harrison, sad for Nate….because I can't even begin to know what it feels like to not want my baby in my life and because I know it's probably one of, if not the most difficult times in your life. I know one day these thoughts will be a thing of the past and distant memory and you'll be filled with so many wonderful thoughts of Harrison smiling, grabbing and reaching for YOU….his one and only. I don't know what it's like, but I want to offer you words of encouragement. Hang in there….keep soaking up the sun and all the happy moments with your two boys.
Oh and I totally get you with the dog. We have two….We've been cleaning up dog vomit all week…and part of me just wants to put her out of her misery….when really she probably just has a little bug. But sometimes they compound a busy week exponentially. Just think how protective Tucker will be with Harrison when he's about to run into the street after his favorite ball or someone, gasp, is considering bullying him. Tucker will be there to rescue your sweet boy.
I hope you'll continue to write…my husband and I are hooked.
Oh, Blair. I have tears streaming down my face after reading this post. It is so true and honest and I commend you for having the courage to open yourself up to the world in this way. This could not have been an easy thing for you to write, but I am sure that you'll be helping countless women who would otherwise be to ashamed or embarrassed to seek help for this illness. I'm so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself and your family…it sounds like you have a great support system in your husband and family. I hope for you that every day lets a little more sunshine in. Best of luck to you.
Wow, what a courageous, honest, open and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing your true self with us, opening up to us and being real.
I will pray that you find comfort in each day that passes, and that you will find the peace you need.
<3
As someone who didn't experience PPD but has suffered from depression in the past I can relate to a lot of the things you say. Depression itself is so sneaky and manipulative and destructive, but PPD is the Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction of Depression and the bitch is crazy kill your bunny scary. The way it's warped your sense of self and the lies it's told you about your Mothering abilities and your relationship with your son is tragic. You are a good Mother. Your son knows you.
I believe in you and believe that you can do this. You're doing everything there is to do to fight and your attitude is inspiring. You're gonna make it out. I'm proud to know you.
I'm so sorry. I don't know why it's so hard for us to admit when we need help. Looking back, I think I was suffering a little bit of PPD, but anytime anyone mentioned it I freaked out. There is such a stigma attached.
I truly hope you are starting to feel better. I wish you all the best.
You are incredibly brave for posting these strong emotions, I would and could never have that kind of courage. It must have been difficult to share but I believe that you sharing this with everyone is not only going to help you overcome the PPD but also help the women out there that also suffer.
Wishing you all the best!
I'm so very proud of you.
Thank you for being so brave and telling your story. I think that more people feel these same emotions as you but are too afraid to share them. Thank you!
This post it heartbreaking. I'm so glad you're getting the help you need and know that you'll come out of this okay. Try not to be so hard on yourself as you go, okay?
Blair, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
I developed PPD after my 1st DD was born – after 3yrs of infertility, so hello, depression meet guilt in a way few people can understand because, you know SO MANY WOMEN would trade places with me and all that.
Thankfully, I never had thoughts or visions of my babies being hurt, but, BUT, I HAVE had 2 bags packed and sitting in the back of my car, ready for me to leave at any moment. Because that's what I want to do. I want to leave. Sometimes, I unpack the bags and put the clothes away and the extra toiletries. Then, a week or so later, I re-pack them and stick them in the car because the desire to leave and never come back is that strong.
Of course, when I posted that on my blog, I got a gaggle of goons telling me I should give my kids up for adoption and, truth be told, I WANTED to give my youngest up for adoption, but my husband, obviously, wasn't for that decision.
Back when my middle DD was just born and my oldest was 13mo, I had a horrific car accident that some people thought was not an accident (the kids weren't in the car with m, thankfully). It was an accident. Still….not a day goes by that I don't wish I had just died in that accident. Because then my life insurance would pay out, you know, which is why suicide isn't a viable option. Yes, the thoughts are creepy in a way that makes a lot of people gasp.
You're lucky you have access to such good help. Unfortunately, I don't have any childcare, so therapy has been spotty for me, at best. I can't tolerate anti-depressants, so my best option is Xanax and Ambien.
It's also the reason I did not go back on hormonal BC. I have a ParaGard put in. I love it. So, if you need something non-hormonal, definitely look into it.
You're not alone. Definitely NOT ALONE.
Your courage is incredible. I truly hope that you begin to feel relief soon.
You. Are. SO. Brave.
It will get better. You are a wonderful mother. Please don't forget that.
This post is so brave and truthful. You are very courageous to write it and I am sure so many people can relate to you! That was so hard to read and understand since I have never been through that but i am sure that you just helped so many other mothers out there to actually take the steps necessary to try and get better themselves.
It is so wonderful that you made them all feel like they arent alone.
Alysha.
Very brave to post this, my dear. That same courage is what will help you fight through this for your baby, your marriage and your family. Wishing you all the best.
Oh Blair – my heart aches for you. I am so glad you are seeking help to get through this! Our hormones can do terrible things to our bodies and minds!
I. Love. You.
So proud of you for posting this. I can't even begin to tell you.
You are so brave for writing this raw, honest post. Thank you. Thank you for being so honest and for helping to show that PPD and PPA can happen to anyone and there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Keep writing.
Oh Blair. You are so brave. SO brave. My admiration of you grew ten-fold today.
Thank you for posting this..you just just helped me in ways you will never know…lots if love to u my dear…
I just want to reach out and hug you. I am sure this was a tough post to write.
I suffer with PPD and it is so scary the way our minds work. The thoughts that feel so rational in some way, but you know they should not be.
You will get through this. Give yourself some time and you will feel like yourself again.
You are not alone. We are good mothers! We are!
Thank you for sharing. I do not have kids, but do suffer from depression/anxiety. I can relate to how morbid thoughts creep in and ruminate. I am so glad you know (and in case you forget I want to remind you) that these thoughts you have are NO REFLECTION ON YOU AS A MOTHER! They are simply a symptom of a disease. You are treating the illness AND YOU WILL GET BETTER! I firmly believe that! And when the guilt threatens to take up residence, make sure you place that squarely where it belongs – in God's hands. Kudos to you for being self-aware enough to know your needs, and brave enough to expose yourself to the world to serve others. You are the bravest soul I "know." I sincerely hope you feel better soon!
Thank you for sharing something so intimate. I had no idea the feelings and thoughts that accompany PPD, and consider myself lucky for not knowing them. You did the right thing by getting help, and that makes you a wonderful mother. Keep on keepin on.
Thank you for being so courageous, open and honest with your story. You have written what several of us are too afraid to write about. I thank you for that.
When I was in college, I went through major depression, and like another commenter, I constantly played visions in my head of running my car off a bridge. And then I would shake my head and go, "Wtf? I don't want to kill myself. What's wrong with me?"
My PPD experience has been very different. Instead of manifesting itself against my son, it's all been directed at my husband. I would have visions of my husband dying just because I, for some bizarre reason, wanted him out of my life. I love my husband very, very much. I don't want anything to happen to him. But I couldn't stop fantasizing about him leaving me or dying. And like you, I wanted it to be HIM who left. I didn't want to leave him. Then it would have been my fault.
With some counseling and a good anti-depressant, I'm feeling much better. I don't fantasize about my wonderful husband sleeping with a coworker and moving out. Thanks for the very honest, very real post. Many of us have had similar experiences.
I don't actually know what to say. Thanks for being honest? I'm more than a little scared…because I've had a lot of those thoughts. And I would never think of it as PPD. Is it? Should I worry? I don't know. But you've made me think, so thanks.
Thank you for writing this!
Like several pp, I had some of these feelings but they started going away once I made the decision to exclusively pump. However, whenever I think about those first two weeks…. *shudder*
At the beginning, I totally heard the "phantom" screaming in the shower, when the window air conditioner was running, etc…
I am so glad you are getting help! You are in my thoughts.
Thank you for your courage and honesty in posting this. I'm thinking of you and I hope you are able to feel like your old self soon.
I don't know you, but I believe in the power of prayer and you will be in mine. May the Lord get you through this difficult time!! Much Love!
The amount of strength it must have taken to write this post is immeasurable…You are so courageous for doing this. I have no doubt that you have touched millions with this and have probably changed many babies lives for the better. You are an amazing woman Blair, Harrison is lucky to have a mother like you.
My heart breaks for you in this post. I did not suffer from PPD, and can't pretend to imagine what you are going through. Your honesty in each of your posts is amazing, and you have an incredible talent for painting a picture with words.
Although I don't know you in real life, I do know one thing-you are a GREAT mother. I say that b/c even in these moments of darkness you were able to recognize and deal with your problem. Harrison is very lucky to have a mom who is not afraid to face difficult challenges and overcome them with grace and dignity.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck, be strong, and know that you, H, and N will all be stronger people because of this time.
Thank you for being brave enough to post about this. I really think that you will help other people dealing with PPD. I hope that your treatments work soon and you are back to enjoying your son and husband.
Hello Blair!!
I wish I could have encouraging words for what you are going through…
You are tuly inspiring and brave… I know somehow your inner super woman will come out again soon.. take your time and pamper yourself..
Nate & Harrison will be waiting whenever you are ready..
I admire you for all what you are doing.. and it's the best for you and your family!!
You'll be in my prayers… thanks for sharing such a hard part of your life..
What a terrifying thing to go through as a mother–to have thoughts about your child that you know aren't "right", but to not be able to change them, or even understand why you're having them.
I think you're so brave for posting this, because I'm sure there are people out there who couldn't possibly understand. But I'm also positive there are people out there who are reading this, and have something click in their minds–'I relate 100%. Blair got help. I can too.' And that, my dear, is an incredible thing you've done.
I can't even imagine how hard it probably was to push the submit button to share this with the world. I commend you for it. You are a brave woman, and I continue to send lots of T&P your way!
Blair-
I give you all the credit, love, support and hugs in the world. It takes a brave woman to admit to a sea of strangers that she is battling PPD. It takes an even braver woman to write what you just wrote.
Thank you for your honesty, bravery and realness.
I've been following your blog for a few months now. I have always greatly admired your strength, humor and wit.
I admire you even more now for your heart.
Much Love,
Jessica
Thank you. I suffered from severe PPD and anxiety as well. I didn't get help as quickly as you did. My low point? Sitting in the car in the closed garage in the middle of the night and trying to talk myself out of starting it. I had those horrible thoughts about something happening to my baby and felt the relief you spoke of while having those thoughts. I understand. I felt like the worst mother in the world and I wanted to die. Good for you for getting help Blair. PPD is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not YOU. My son is 2. It took me a year to feel back to myself. There is light at the end of tunnel.
Hey girl…. going through the exact same thing. I totally feel you. And I totally hear my baby crying all.day.long. even when she is sleeping. I am writing it out too. Check out my blog and we can vent together.
my heart breaks for you. i still hear my baby crying even when he isn't (that is so annoying!). I pray that everything goes well and you begin to feel better. therapy does help- i spoke to a couple people and have begun to feel better.
:prayers n hugs:
Thank you for posting this. I never realized how very serious PPD can be until now. I admire your bravery and honesty and I'll be praying for you!!
(This will sound like a really bitchy post, but just hang in there with me for a second, mkay?
)
I don't really enjoy your blog. I feel like I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum with how I live- I SAH, I BF, etc etc etc. I love being at hom and even with a v difficult kid (who has been diagnosed with autism. I KNOW difficult, trust me), I love love LOVE it and would never trade it for anything. So sometimes reading your blog rubs me the wrong way and I frankly cringe at some things, simply because they are the polar opposite of me. BUT…
Despite all the times I've thought 'wtf?' about what you're saying about working or FF or your baby? This is not one of them. Some assholes will probably jump on you about this post or think judgy things in the back of their minds, but shame on them.
You should not feel bad for having these thoughts and you should not feel like a bad mother. If you were a damn quadriplegic, could we fault you for not being able to take your baby for a walk? Of course not…this is no different. It's a medical condition, you are dealing with it, and any criticism that comes out of you posting this is ignorance and cruelty, plain and simple.
I think it's great that you're getting help, but I also really hope that you consider taking a step away from this blog. I've lived through traumatic experiences and I can tell you that dealing with it in front of others does very little to improve the situation. Please put your family first and your readers second!!!
I disagree with Lurker on her last paragraph. For some, talking it out/openly discussing it is the one of the BEST ways to improve the situation. I personally am a verbal problem solver. I must talk things through to come to a solution/feel better etc. And given that you state that you are polar opposites on everything else, it seems to reason that while "dealing with it in front of others" doesn't work for you, it is evident that it DOES work for her.
Family ALWAYS comes first, but I do not believe her priorities are skewed. Her raw, brutal honesty is an amazing blessing to those who have experienced her situations. She says things that others hide/are afraid to admit/bottle up. Her writings are not only theraputic to her, but also to others. I for one do hope she continues to write as often as SHE deems worthy.
Ways to “get it out”- journaling, a support group, a mom’s group, time on the phone with her mother, time with friends, hanging out w/ her husband
putting it all out there for strangers that have criticized her mothering and made her feel like shit? NOT HELPFUL. It’s the WRITING of the material that would be therapeutic, not the attention you receive (which is all too often negative).
There is a difference between putting thoughts on paper and just being narcissistic.
Interesting. Out of over 100 responses, yours are the only critical comments so far.
If you don't like her blog, why do you read it?
I've been following your blog for a long time and I think you really just like attention.
oh, FFS.
i am now making "oh, FFS" my default statement for people that don't deserve the effort of a response but that i just can't resist saying something to!
Seconded! FFS indeed.
Man you are crazy brave. I applaud you! You are such amazing woman and mother for being honest with strangers and friends. You are going to be the light bulb in someones life. Someone's road to recovery will have you to thank, I am thankful you choose to share your life with us.
That said, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers.
Courageous, indeed. I'm glad you are getting the help you need. I'm glad that you are posting this for those out there that may not believe that it is normal to feel like a bad mother when your baby cries, but not normal for you to feel relief at the thought of your little one going away. I'm glad you have a support system. Good luck, Blair. You are still a great mom.
You are my hero. I can't believe you were able to share this online for the world to see, but if it even helps one mom out there get the help she needs, you've done well.
I know you'll keep going up and you'll feel a million times better when you are back to normal. Glad Harrison is with you, even on your worst days. He'll grow up very loved.
Jessica
I admire you so much for putting the truth out there. I have been diagnosed with Post Partum Anxiety, but not depression. I was so lucky to have escaped it after spending most of junior high and high school in and out of therapy and psychiatric hospitals for depression and suicide. Yes. That stuff is real and doesn't make a person a bad person!
I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. I admire you for recognizing something wasn't right and seeking help for it. So many don't, whether it's regular depression or PPD. And I think that so many people don't seek out help is because they have these thoughts and feelings, and feel that they will be dubbed absolutely insane and suited up in a straight jacket and locked away in a padded cell for all of eternity. But that's not true. I hope all the women suffering from PPD can read your post, and realize they are not alone, and there is help available.
Bless you!
This is scary, Blair but I am happy that you are getting the help that you need. And that you can admit that you have PPD.
As much as I love your blog, I agree with Lurker. I think you should take a step away from the blog for awhile and just focus on yourself and your family.
Good luck!
You are so brave for sharing this. Thank you for sharing this. You are helping numerous women but just sharing your story. There is too much shame surrounding PPD, and it shouldn't be that way.
Wow, that is an amazing story! Thankyou so much for sharing with your blogging family. I hope you get better soon. I can not imagine what you’ve been through. Although I can sympathyize with how tough being a mom is and how in a whirl wind your life changes.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Know you have so many supporters whose hearts go out to you.
I am really happy you posted this. I also suffered from depression and anxiety from my junior year of college until last summer – 5 years. They were the worst 5 years of my life and I'm still trying to work through the anxiety. I'm very happy to say I did it all sans medication, but it was most certainly not easy. I am very scared I will also suffer from PPD, but it is both frightening and comforting to know I won't be alone. Take care of yourself – none of this is your fault.
Thank you Blair, thank you. I was at this point and came back. You will too. Give yourself time, and don't fret when you have a day (or a week) where you feel like you are jumping 5 steps back. I admire your willingness to share this with everyone. It is so brave to open yourself up like this. Stay strong.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that must have been incredibly hard to put into words. I’ve been a long time follower of your blog, and I have to say your story really impacted me, even though I have never met you.
The fact that you were able to recognize the PPD and PPA and reached out to get help makes you an amazing mother.
Thank you again for sharing with us. I wish you the best in your recovery!
Bless your heart! Reading your posts prior to your admission of PPD, I would have thought your life was picture perfect. I am so sorry you are experiencing these things. I developed PPD after both of mine. My most recent baby it was more anxiety than anything and a terrible fear that he’d stop breathing in the night. He also has reflux but doesn’t suffer nearly as much as Harrison. Thank you for writing out your feelings. It broke my heart to read them but I am so glad you are seeking treatment. Please continue to write, I always enjoy reading your posts!
Thank you for sharing. From reading your blog, I can tell you are an amazing mom, wife, daughter, friend…just an overall awesome person. Hoping with all my heart that the therapy/meds are working for you so you can return to feeling like yourself again.
Thank you for sharing, Blair. I’ve felt many of those emotions as well, and so did my SIL. I hope this isn’t rude to say, but it is a comfort to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I wish you all the best in your recovery. I’m certain you will be a better mother to H because of this.
Wow. Thanks for posting this. I’ve heard about PPD, but I’ve never really known what it entails and I think you are so brave for posting this, because this WILL help mothers out there to know they’re not alone and to recognize the signs they see in themselves, and because you were brave and got help, they will be, too.
I’m wishing you a speedy recovery.
I have to second this. I had no idea what PPD truly was like. You are incredibly brave for having posted this. You’re in my prayers.
I find it difficult to comment, for a lot of reasons. But I just wanted to say that I know how increadibly vulnerable you must feel by admitting everything in your new mother experience isn’t perfect. It must be increadibly hard after months of writing this blog, and all these strangers’ expectations, and the legions of followers hanging on your every recipe/diet tip/relationship advice to step back and say that behind all the clever writing you are a human being and things are not perfect (for anyone, ever, all of the time). Especially admitting you are dealing with something that most people do not and cannot understand. I think the idea of the “perfect mother” is a terrible thing women do to each other. There is so much judgement out there. Good luck to you, I’m glad you are getting help and you have a strong husband and family support system around you while you do. Regardless of whether I understand what you are writing about, I DO understand dealing with things in life that are socially unacceptable, and that scare people and make them look at you funny. You are not alone, you are a part of a whole community of people who have dealt with personal demons. I hope that offers something.
I think it is amazing to share such a personal experience. While I have not experienced PPD this time around, you never know what lies ahead. I’d like to think that someday, should I ever have similar thoughts or feelings I will be able to recognize it better thanks to your post.
I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog and your candid posts. I hope you continue to do well with your treatment and I hope you continue to let us share in your deepest thoughts and emotions.
PS…I earned my $20 this week!
I'm so glad you wrote and published this. There are so many of us out there who have or are suffering from some sort of perinatal mood disorder, and the more of us who seek help, get better, and talk about what we've been through, the less these sorts of things will isolate us. So glad you're getting help and so glad you're being honest and sharing your story! Peace and healing!
Blair, I am so proud of you for writing this. I, too, have been suffering from depression for nearly a decade and now am coping with PPD on top of it. I’ve had the same thoughts, felt the same loss of control…and my husband merely chalks it up to lack of sleep. I need help, and just reading your story makes me determined to get it. You are a GREAT mom and love your husband and son very much. We can both make it through this! Big hugs to you.
Blair – look at the world of support you have created and all the women who are feeling they are not alone because of your honesty. You are very brave and a wonderful woman, wife, and mother for admitting you cannot do this alone.
You are getting the help you need. That's what part of being a good mother is about – knowing when to call in the troops – whether it be help for Harrison or for Nate or for you. You are are a good mom – though you don't think you are right now. Youre just not 100% healthy, but with the help you've sought you'll get there. Just take it one day at a time. Don't try to be super anything (mom, wife, cook, employee) Just be. My hubby wondered at me & a girlfriend as when things didn't go right for both of us (with crying babies etc.) we would say we were failing. We ladies put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and there 100% of the time, which is pretty near impossible. I know this is not the same as what you're going through with PPD, but still & all, don't put yourself under undue pressure. Getting well and just accepting cuddles from Nate & Harrison is more than enough for now.
I had severe PP Anxiety. Mine was so bad that I did wind up in a mental hospital, for a week. It was the most God-awful experience, but I knew I had to get better for myself, my baby and my family. Mine also started after returning to work, and dealing with the guilt of leaving my baby, stopping BF, and a not so great daycare situation. Unfortunately, I let mine get too out of hand before seeking help (it's so hard to ask for help, isn't it?) I was in the hospital to let the meds get to a theraputic level in days vs waiting 2-3 weeks for anti-depressants to kick in.
I want you to know, it WILL get better, even though it doesn't seem like it. You WILL feel yourself again, I promise. I may take days, maybe a week or two, but know that there is an end in sight. Medication was literally a lifesaver for me. It changed me from this foreign person back to me. I stayed on my meds (anti-depressant and anxiety medication – which was the most important in my case) for a little over a year after being diagnosed. I am now 100% weaned off of everything and feel great. Even after everything I went through, I am ready to do it again as my husband and I start talking about TTC again. I will never forget it or those "feelings", but I know I can get help next time before it gets bad. This time I am (more) educated, I know to seek help immediately, and avoid what happened before.
Hang in there, I promise you will feel like yourself in no time. If you are interested in reading my story, here is the link:
http://thebowlingsplusone.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-…
Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk/vent.
scooby0515 at gmail
You poor thing – I am so sorry you have had to go through this! (((hugs))) Hang in there – you are a GREAT mother!
Thank you so much for this post. Other moms will read this and maybe it will give them the strength to ask for help. I do not have the words to express how much I admire you. There is no doubt in my mind that you will get through this, but know that you can add me to your cheering section. Harrison is a lucky boy to have such an amazing mother. You are un my thoughts and prayers.
Oh my God. Thank you for your honesty. Everyone wants to ignore or sugarcoat this. Thank you for being so honest, so I know what I or a dear friend may have to go through, and I won’t ignore or sugarcoat it then. You are an amazing woman, mother, wife, and you will get through this, in one piece. Tons of love & respect. xoxo
Blair,
I pray for you every day and I want to thank you for this post! I feel silly saying that I look up to someone I have never met but it is true. I truly look up to you. I have been a stalker of yours since finding out I was pregnant last August and I have never replied to your posts but I have such a burden on my heart for you and your family. I pray that you are provided everything you need to help you through this difficult time.
I can’t even imagine how you feel. Good for you for posting this. I hope only the best for you and your family!
xoxo
I didn’t say Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot. when I read that. I said, “Wow, her too?”
The silver lining of this (though I’m sure it’s no consolation now) is that you’re giving your voice to this. The voice I don’t have the courage to give (yet). I could have written so much of this (right down to the dog, though for us it was the UPS truck). It NEEDS to be out there. Despite the constant reminders during pregnancy, 400 doctors asking me if I was experiencing any symptoms in the early weeks, the stigma of PPD kept me from seeking help for 8 long months.
I hope you’re starting to feel better and that each day bring some healing.
I really ache for you and what you are going through. My best friend also suffered through severe PPD. She had horrible visions of her hurting her baby and thankfully she sought help and got treatment. While I can't personally understand how it feels, I do know that PPD can be extremely severe and I give you so much credit for taking the steps to get help. You are very brave for telling your story! I know you will probably get some negative comments, but I believe that by talking about it you just might reach someone who was having the same thoughts and feelings and you never know, you may well save someone. Be strong and know that you are being a good mom by doing what you are doing.
Reading this brought back so many memories of my own struggles with depression and PPD. I am so glad you’re getting the help you need, and I hope it works quickly for you.
I watched a show on the Medical Channel about PPD and you have hit every bullet point they discussed. I’m glad you reached out and got the help you need, it does NOT make you weak or a bad mother or a bad person – it makes you strong, and the perfect mom for your son.
I had a friend go through PPD as well and I did everything I could to be there when she needed it – for her or her son. It’s something you fight with family & friends, not by yourself.
I hope this post and blogging can help you heal, talking always helps me heal.
I’ll be praying for you. I know how hard depression and anxiety can be. You are an amazing woman and incredible mom. Keep your head up and your eyes on God…he will get you through.
We Love you Blair! I’m so proud of you! <3
Blair,
I am so sorry for what you are going through and so glad that you have gotten the help that you need.
I do not have children yet, but have been trying for over 2 years. I think the past 6 mos depression has been creeping up on me. I want you to know that your story has helped. It CAN get better. Help is Ok. It is good to admit when you need it.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Trying to figure out, “How the hell did this happen & where do I go from here?” The answers to the first question are coming slowly in therapy. The second answer only has one answer – “Up.”
This is so true. You can do it – we are rooting for you!
You’re not alone and you’re certainly not the only one who can’t keep her shit together. I say this because I needed desperately for someone to say it to me. Thank you for being that person. Good luck, God Bless and lots and lots of love and support from Southern California.
Hang in there honey. This too shall pass. Until then, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You have an amazing amount of support and love, just remember that.
Thanks you so much for posting this. It is an eye opener. I am thankful that you let your emotions out so that maybe it can make more people aware of such a scary diagnosis. I am praying for you.
Blair, I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family. You’re a brave soul and Harrison is very lucky to have you as a mother. Someone so willing to put herself out there and to make sure she is as healthy as she can be. I admire you and your strength. Things will get better from here, don’t give up.
Love and hugs to you.
oh, FFS.
anyone saying blair wants attention needs a reality check.
i'm sorry you're going through this, blair, and i hope you start feeling better soon.
P.S. – you are an absolutely amazing writer and i truly hope you decide to write a book someday. i'd buy it. even the more expensive, hardback version.
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you, and thank you for posting this. It takes a lot of courage, and I think it could really help other mothers out there who are going through the same thing. Much love.
Oh, my sweet Blair Bear. You are brave, and you are amazing. You do know that calling your OB sealed your Good Mommy Title? That you knew that you had to do something for yourself, for Harrison?
Big, big, sincere hugs to you.
stay strong. we’re all rooting for you. take one day at a time and keep breathing. you’ll get through this.
love and hugs from LA.
You are so brave.
Thank you for posting this. You are going to help so many women (and hopefully men as well, to understand). You are a strong woman.
Blair, you are so crazy brave it is incredible.
And you are an awesome mother for recognizing that you needed it, and then getting the help that you need.
Thank you for sharing this Blair. I had a milder case of PPD that I didn’t even admit to myself I had until Jake was a year old and by then I was better.
I think this will help a lot of women out there and I applaud your courage and decisions to get help. I didn’t cringe at a word you said because you are a great mother, you knew those feelings weren’t right and you are doing so much to fix that to help yourself and your family. That in itself makes you a great mommy!
Many might not understand post partum emotions but they aren’t anyones fault and knowledge is power.
*hug* keep on trucking Blair!
Oh, Blair. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
You have such tremendous strength and courage to share this with people though.
You will get through this! Just remember that.
I applaud your ability to be honest with yourself, let alone complete strangers. You’ll get no judgement from me, just admiration at your courage in getting the help you need.
((HUGS))
This is rough. I am so sorry, Blair. I am glad you posted this, and I am more glad that you got some help. I am sure that by having the strength and courage to put this up, you’re going to help someone else make the change they need for themselves and their family. You’re so brave.
You are not alone.
So many women suffer through PPD and Post pregnancy psychosis in silence, and that’s no way to live.
It was either Friday night, or Saturday night, Discovery Health Channel had a show on PPD and PP psychosis
oops, I wanted to post the name of that show on DHC “Postpartum Nightmares”
This post just brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely hate that you are going through this, b/c I know first-hand what an amazing woman you are. But I will be there for you every step of the way … love you bestie!
I don’t know what to say, except that you’re very brave to share this so publically, I’m sorry you’re going through it, and I’m glad you’re taking steps to get better.
I think you are wonderful and brave. I have had the same conversation with my husband and friends regarding signs to look for, but I see that I will have to be very aware of my own state of mind. Thank you for sharing.