I am lucky – I had an amazing childhood. Upper-middle-class as it gets, we were raised by two incredible parents, & I was the baby girl that rounded out the all-American family. We didn’t have a golden retriever, but we did have a yellow lab. We even named her Ginger, just like every other retriever-owning family of five.
& obviously, we were raised right. Where Carolina & Jesus are religion, & every sentence ends with “ma’am” or “sir.”
My brothers & I were spaced evenly apart at exactly 3 years & 1 month. Precise planning by my fertile myrtle mother that I don’t want to think about, thankyouverymuch. We were enrolled in Scouts, swim team, & were the best of friends (except for the time that Middle kicked Oldest in the mansack & crying escalated for both parties). I hosted tea parties in my closet in exchange for 6am wake-up calls to play GI Joe’s with Middle. (I always, always called the Tiger Tank. It was badass). We built the most incredible Lego castles, beat Mike Tyson on Punch Out (only once), & prank called Mr. Cash every time my parents left us alone for a date night.
side note: it was later clarified that even though Oldest was 15 at the time, they knew I was really the one in charge at the tender age of 9.
But when we weren’t building forts or saving the Princess from Dark World, my brothers were systematically plotting to kill me.
Because that’s what brothers do to their little sisters. Future female siblings of Harrison, I apologize in advance.
Ways My Brothers Tried To Kill Me
- putting me in a trashcan & rolling me down a hill
- pushing me off a 10-foot tree house (Oldest claims it was an accident but regardless, I broke my arm)
- holding my head under water “just to see how long I could hold my breath”
- paying me $1 to eat a dog biscuit
- twirling me in the air. & throwing me. into a wall. (okay, that one was an accident)
- making me stand at the top of the hill as a tackling dummy during the football off-season
- making me hold the football to practice kick-offs (I’m still shocked both index fingers are attached)
- threatening to dangle my pet gerbil, named Chestnut, over the fire while singing “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” (that one was more mental warfare)
- claiming it would be a “fun” game if I would jump off the diving board & catch a tennis ball mid-air. then they’d throw the ball so hard it would a) leave a bruise and b) spin me into a belly flop
I know. A lot of these things could have been prevented had I said “no.” But they were my big brothers, & I hero-worshiped them. Thankfully not into my grave.
But I knew they never REALLY wanted me to die. Because at a swim meet when I was six years old, I dove in. & panicked. Floundered. Swallowed water. Before I knew it, Oldest had his 12-year-old arms clamped around me, dragging me out of the water. 90 lbs soaking wet, he made it across the pool before any lifeguard, desperate to “save” his baby sister.
& so for the next 7 years, we carried on in that way – barbs of wit, a few picked lock casualties on my diary, & a team of three that were a force to be reckoned with.
When I was 13 years old, all of that changed.
Part 2, coming later this week…
Love it! I always wished I had big brothers and oddly, still do. I'm looking forward to part 2!
Brilliant! I commented on Metta's blog too….but thought I'd come back here to tell you personally!
Love it! Ohmygosh, you are sooo cute! This explains why you are one tough cookie!!! Can't wait for the second installment!
Ahh yes, the list of death by sibling. I have one of those myself. An older sister is a bit rougher than brother's I think though! mine rolled me down the hill in metal wagon right into an electric fence "just to see me get shocked."
The good ole days. LOL Can't wait for Installment 2
Blair, I really enjoyed reading this and look foward to your next post. After my only brother died (he was nine, I was 12) I really missed growing up without all that fun stuff you wrote about. Keep it coming!
Such a great post! There story about the gerbil had my laughing out loud. I have three sisters, and always wished I had a brother.
Thanks for sharing, I look forward to part deux.
Wonderful post! I think part of your life was my life, yellow lab named Ginger, swimteam, brother trying to kill you- esp with holding under water! UNC and Jesus…..so great!!! And boy did I laugh out loud! Thank you Blair! And you're gonna get out of this PPD don't you even worry! Give yourself the time and space to heal! You are a wonderful girl, wife and mother!
And one heck of a blogger-queen!
Oh and I loved the post before about all the stats and moms. HAving a baby definitely changed my view of my career–having been laid off while prego and then DH getting laiid off when baby was 6ish weeks is def a new one for most fams….I was hoping to go back to a job part-time from the house but it looks like a full time/from the house may be what's been coming my way….more details to come….but working from home and being near my baby was CRUCIAL! And if i could I'd stay at home with her forever!!! It's so unfortunate that moms have to work now a days……I think deep down we all want to be SAHMs!!!
I love this post and can't wait for Part 2. It even made me kinda wish I had older brothers growning up. I was an only child until 9 when my brother-clearly an oops-was born. My husband is 1 of 6 kids. My in-laws had 4 boys and kept trying for a girl. Well on the 5th try they got twin girls. They have similar stories of sibling warfare but looking at them all now, it's such a loving big family.
Love hearing about your childhood, sounds so sweet. The swimming story made me cry! I thought at 6mo pp hormones would be gone!
Love this! Can't wait for part 2
oh, that was really sweet! i'm excited for part 2!
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" had me howling! Hysterical- you really have a way with words! Oh the imagery!
Oh my goodness, I am crying with laughter!
What is it about older brothers making their sisters eat weird stuff? My husband is two years older than his brother and 6 years older than his little sister and from the stories they tell it's a shock she made it out alive (bugs; she ate a lot of bugs). Of course, it's a shock any of them made it out alive with the crazy stuff my mil did (like turtle waxing the metal slide), but that's another issue entirely.
Our childhoods are scary similar. i'm the baby with 2 older bros, 2 & 4 years older. I was the only girl in the neighborhood and was a total tomboy. My brothers loved to torment me: tickling me til I wet my pants on bi-weekly basis, ripping the heads off my dolls, taking advantage of my gullible ways (seriously, you can't fly off the deck using a towel as a cape), and possibly the worst, yanking on my delicate arms and pulling my shoulders out of joint. No joke. They gave my arm a quick, solid yank and out popped my shoulder, so often that the pediatrician taught my mom how to put it back in! The worst ever: they had bunk beds and were on the top bunk, playing pretend ocean with sharks attacking. They pulled me up by my arms and BOTH shoulders popped out.
Of course all the stories were great to tell at their weddings…
looking forward to part 2
Really well written, B. I hope there is a happy ending, though……?
yes, a happy ending
HAHA! Great post. I had two younger brothers and let me tell you, they were just as bad if not worse. Although I never worshiped them since they were younger…
Eager to read your Part 2!
Loved it! Can't wait for Part 2
I had a bunny named Chestnut. Needless to say, "The Christmas Song" became my least favorite Christmas song…
This has been my fav post… but I'm worried about how it all changed when you were 13…
Oh! Thats exactly what I want: 2 boys and one girl. I L.O.V.E.D the post! Cant wait for part 2
Ps. You are adorable in your little cheerleader outfit! Love the pic
Great post! You were an adorable little girl (and you’re pretty now, too, so I guess it makes sense!). I was an only child so it’s always fun for me to read about other people’s experiences with siblings.
Very sweet
This post made me laugh out loud!! And I had the SAME cheerleading outfit. It is waiting in my parents' closet now for my future baby girl!
Gotta admit, that "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" was pretty hysterical and clever.
The worst thing my older brother did to me was back me into a corner with a vacuum cleaner knowing full well I was terrified of vacuum cleaners.
Like a dog.