About a month ago (I think, I’m really not good at keeping track of time!), I participated in a survey facilitated by TheBump.com and ForbesWoman.com regarding the working mother. Appropriate, right? & then earlier this week, Jacalyn from The Bump contacted me about the survey, asking if I would act as a spokesperson and/or blog about the findings. Abso-freaking-lutely, I answered.
When I returned to work the second week in January, I posted a lot about being a working mother and HOW HARD IT IS. I cried. I complained. I lamented. I said some pretty damn inflammatory things that I 50% regret & 50% stick to, depending on the day. I was miserable & to this day, I liken my return to work as a polar plunge – a complete shock to my system in every imaginable way.
As I go through my psychiatric therapy, aka my weekly exorcism, I’m discovering more & more that a lot of that was the postpartum depression wreaking havoc on my life. But looking at these statistics, it is nice to know that that’s not ALL of it & quite a bit of what I was writing rings true with what other women feel:
- More than a third (35%) of moms who had their first child at 30 to 34 wish they had their child at a younger age, and 57% of moms who had their first child at 35 to 39 wish they had their child at a younger age.
- Fertility is not a top reason when choosing an “ideal” age to have a baby. In fact, financial security and being emotionally “ready” to become parents were the top two reasons.
- 62% of women surveyed feel that motherhood negatively impacts a woman’s career. Yet, working moms didn’t feel as strongly about this when it came to their own career.
- Negative feelings dominate when returning to work post-baby. Top five feelings were guilty, overwhelmed, stressed, sad and anxious
- 59% of working moms no longer cared as much about work post-baby.
So…what do you think? How do you feel about this? In general, or specific parts of the survey. Do you feel that your work negatively impacted having a child? Or do you feel that having a child has negatively impacted your work? The way your boss perceives you? Do you try to “hide” pediatrician appointments, PPD, or pure exhaustion from a 2am wake-up call in fear of being “mommy-tracked” out of future promotions?
I will admit that while I have taken steps to protect myself & my job (as an fyi, PPD puts you in a protected class so if you are suffering, please speak to your human resource director or boss in confidentiality). But that I worry that common knowledge of me seeing a psychiatrist once per week will put a big red “X” on my back for future opportunities.
Or maybe…did YOU “mommy-track” yourself? Did you alter your hours, fall back to part-time? Do you feel that you sacrificed your career, or are you finding a way to balance motherhood & still advance professionally?
& most importantly….How many cups of coffee do you drink per day? Because I cannot function with less than 4.
While I was on my extended (8.5 month) maternity leave I had two opportunities to apply for a promotion that in all honesty I was probably next in line for. I didn't even apply, and I don't regret that decision one tiny bit. I knew that going back to work would be hard enough without having to deal with increased expectations, without having to prove myself all over again. So yes, having a baby negatively impacted my career AND I'd say that I mommy-tracked myself AND I'd also say that my career doesn't even come remotely close to my family in terms of importance in my life. Oh yeah, and I also am on reduced hours taking every friday off… I love it!
I will be finding all this out on April 12th, when I return to work. I did take an additional 2 months off b/c of some of those feelings above. I will have to get back to you about it all when D-day happens for me. But I'm freaking scared that I'm not going to be the same great teacher I have always been b/c it takes a lot of freaking time to attain teacher awesomeness…and who knows if I will have that time anymore.
I second that–it takes a whole heck-of-a-lot to be a good teacher! I am a third grade teacher, and I find I am doing half of what I used to for my class, and it makes me wonder if I'll ever reach the level awesomeness that I used to be! But I love leaving right after school to go get my smiling six month old. No regrets when I see my smiley red-headed boy.
I am also a teacher – high school. Before having my first child I used to always say that there was no way I would want a sub in my classroom for 6 to 8 weeks, so I was elated when our first surprise was due during the summer. By the time the end of my pregnancy rolled around, I had preeclapsia, gestational diabetes, and gall bladder issues and could have cared less who was in my classroom as long as it wasn't me! With our second surprise we were due in October and after the experience from my first pregnancy under my belt, I was ready for a sub to take over. I guess once mommyhood hits some things don't seem as important anymore. I love my students at school but my kids at home are entirely more important! And I may have lost some of the "awesomeness" from before having my own kids but I would like to think that I have found other ways to be awesome in the classroom and not neglect my own family.
I"m definitely going to agree with the last three bullets you posted. It has negatively affected my job as I find myself thinking about him all the time and I'm certainly not as focused as before. I attemped to come back part time which didn't work out either and I kind of resent my boss for that. I understand her decision but I still resent her as I would love to work part time as I think its the "best of worlds". I can also say that I do not care about my job as much as before… the focus and dedication is just not there no matter how hard I try.
I love these finding! Personally, I altered my hours slightly to adjust to having a nanny come to our home…but I am fortunate to work in a small Marketing Department and almost everyone has more than 2 kids – including my boss. (And, he's the only man around 5 women.) I do feel like I am not as focused now that I am back…but i think it may fade. (I hope.)
Ok! I am fresh back to work, so I have all kinds of these feelings welling up inside of me at any given moment all day everyday. I dont know that I feel my career has been negatively impacted, but I do notice that i'm much more distracted with thoughts of my son. I'd always rather be with him and I often think of the weekend when I will get to see him in the morning-to-mid morning when he is in his best mood. Currently he's too tired to play with me when i drop him off in the morning, and I obsess about things like does he feel abandoned, will he still know me, is he angry with me, does he know what angry is? Will he speak in front of a daycare worker before me, will they hear his first word or see his first step? These thoughts invade my mind all day I am find myself lost all day long. I know that I want to advance in my career, I currently work with finance, investments, etc, but would like to manage the entire bank branch in the next few years, so i need to pull my head out of my arse and learn to grit my teeth and bear it. I can only hope that with time, this subsides..a girl can hope!
oh, i also meant to ask only because i am so freakin curious..what do you do for a living?
I function on a minimum of 3 cups of coffee per day and I work my ASS OFF! It sucks, but I gotta do it. I try not to let having a baby get in the way, but it makes things harder. Now that I have PPD, some folks know, and I am treated a bit differently, but still greatly respected for being able to handle everything. I hope it stays that way!
I work because I want to retain that part of my identity. I work full time because we need my full time salary. I sometimes think about how to advance my career or even make a lateral move into something new but I lack the follow-through to really work at it because there's always something in my non-work life that needs the attention that I used to give to my career. I also know that it would be damn hard to find another workplace as family friendly as my current one and why rick that boat? Mostly, I accept that I'm here because I made choices that got me here and I wouldn't change those choices. I might start buying lottery tickets though…
I went back to work full time when DS was 8 wks old. Hardest thing ever. I don't cry, and I cried in front of my boss that day. I spent the next couple weeks begging the clock to tick by so I could get home to my baby, it was like treading water barely getting enough air to survive. Eventually I worked out the numbers and with some real sacrifices, I convinced DH that I could afford to drop down to 4 days a week. Part time was something I never even considered before having a kid. I was going to be a full time working mom, I'd seen the way part time employees were treated (it was subtle, but there) and I was not going to be one of them.
Now that I'm part time though, I LOVE it. And thus far it has not impacted me much. I still got a raise, my boss is extremely supportive, and most of all I feel like I can BREATHE. My biggest concern honestly is how to prove to DH that this is worth the financial sacrifice (since he doesn't get the extra time with DS, but we both have to make the budget sacrifices).
Regarding coffee… 0. Am bfing and it gives DS monster reflux. So yeah, I fall asleep in meetings.
I truly wish I could stay home with my little one. Having a baby has definitely changed my attitude about my job. I feel like I'm missing out on precious time with my little girl. "Rewards" for our sales team that are scheduled on Friday nights piss me off…I'd rather be home with my family…..but then I worry about being "mommy listed". It's tough.
Long-time lurker, first-time commenting.
As a 35-year old with a 6-week old on my breast as I type this (very slowly, I might add), I have to say that while I think I would have been able to shoulder the sleep deprivation et al with more energy 10 years ago, I would not trade that time or do it differently. I have no regrets.
As a career HR manager (but not a lawyer, mind you), I wanted to share some thoughts re: your protected class statement, Blair. Based on the ADAAA of '09 (which revised the ADA), you're correct that seeking treatment for a psychological condition such as PPD is protected under that legislation. You did the right thing to talk with your HR department to let them know that you needed to seek accommodation.
It's a scary thing, but employees seeking an accommodation under the ADAAA do need to let their managers know, along with HR, if the modifications they need (flexible schedules, foe example) make a big impact. Managers want to be sure the work gets done, and gets done well; so long as both sides interact with what is working – and be flexible if there needs to be subsequent modifications – this can be a non-issue.
That said, even under a protection like the ADAAA, if the condition or treatment prevents an employee from doing an essential job function, even with attempts to modify the job, an employer could make a case for terminating a position. It has to be a really severe case, though…. in this day and age of technology, etc, most things can be modified.
When I return to work, the hardest thing for me will be to keep policies like this as consistent for myself as much as my employees at the office. No one likes a hypocrite.
I think having a baby impacted my work. I seem to sit and think about what my daughter is doing and worry about what I'm missing out on. So i don't feel like I am as focused at work. Also with having PPD I feel it has made me more forgetful. There have been mutiple times since i came back to work over a year ago that I have let things slip and forget to do things. Luckily my boss is very laid back and knows about my PPD and gives me some slack. I hate when i forget things, though, because i feel like it makes me look really bad. I really wish i could stay home with my daughter or work part-time, but right now we just can't afford for me to do that.
This is the NUMBER ONE reason i chose to be a stay at home mom. Although I have a career waiting for me I can never picture myself going back to work. I just love being a stay at home mom. It is a HUGE financial sacrifice for us and we do all that we can to make things work.
On a sidenote, althought I am a SAHM … I still drink an average of 3 cups of coffee a day. haha Its tough.
I changed from a very demanding – travel heavy job to a flexible easy going environment about a year before I was "ready" to have kids. I know this was the best decision for me because it's a very kid-friendly environment. I also know that I may have cauterized my career. But then again, I don't want to work that hard.
I just feel like I can't do it. I don't want to go on trips that they need me on because I don't feel like I can leave my baby even for one or two nights. I'm sure it will negatively impact me in the ned even though I have a pretty understanding office. Also, after about 4 months of breastfeeding and pumping at work, the negative comments started behind my back.
"When are you going to stop nursing? How long are you going to keep pumping?"
I even heard some women behind my back talking about how unfair it was that I got to take that much time out of my work day to pump!
I'm so stressed out and tired I can hardly stand it. My house is a disaster because by the time I get home from work, feed the baby, cook dinner, clean up, give her a bath and put her to bed, I can barely brush my teeth before I crawl into my own bed to get some sleep before she wakes up.
I know my appearance at work has suffered (because increasing difficulty finding time to get ready in the morning), as well as the amount of time I'm out for sick visits, daycare problems, etc.
It's very overwhelming.
I've also had the negative pumping comments behind my back–and I work with all women at a school!! You would think they would have an understanding since they've all been moms of little ones. But no, they have to say things like, "When are you going to wean him?" or "We can never talk or plan with you-how do you get your work done when all you do is pump?". Uggh. It's really hard b/c I feel like I've been labeled the "pumping obsessed teacher". I also get to leave meetings a little early to pump, and I'm sure they comment about that, too.
I am right there with ya with the suffering appearance! Some days I get myself together and people say, "Wow you look nice today." So I think, hmm, did I not look good yesterday?! He he.
NO kidding. Even worse…I feel like I weaned partly because of those comments. Which brings on a whole different kind of mommy guilt. Like "Geez, I already take my child to daycare to be watched by strangers all day, and now because I don't have tougher skin I've weaned her prematurely and separated our bond." I felt like she didn't understand when I weaned her, but that's probably just me placing guilt on myself.
I didn't want to ever feel that mommy-guilt, so I stepped up my direct sales part-time gig that I started 3 years ago in the hopes that it would replace my full-time income ($50K) while we were TTC. While pregnant, I quit my marketing position as my direct-sales job had replaced my income and have been doing my SAHM thing since before my daughter was born. Honestly, I don't know how some of you do it. I'm gone about 3 nights a week for 3 hours at a time (so about 10 or so hours a week) and that is hard enough – let alone 40-50+hours a week. Even though I do "work", I still consider myself a SAHM. I know with working from home, having a baby for sure has made things more difficult in making phone calls, setting aside time to get work done, etc., but it far outweighs only seeing my child a few hours each day.
Oh Blair! You always seem to know the conversation that I am having inside my head! I hate working. I hate day care. I feel guilty when I am at work. When I am at home I know I am not giving work 100%…hell, I'm not giving it 75% most of the time. No one is getting the best of me and a stranger gets the best part of my baby's day. But I am not willing to live pay-check to pay-check, I was raised that way and I don't want that for my baby girl! I don't want her to be the poor kid.
As a lawyer, I feel like the very things that help me not feel as stressed, guilty, and anxious are the things that will end up biting my career in the ass. I chose to work in a smaller firm in a smaller city. This allows me to have zero commute, leave work at a reasonable time, and have a daycare that is literally 5 minutes from work and home.
In exchange, I make half as much as my classmates do. It's a trade-off that I'm happy I made, but sometimes adds to my career guilt (which is totally separate than mommy guilt).
Even within my firm though, I feel like I have to prove myself. As soon as I got pg, the questions started about whether I would return (no one asked if my husband planned to stay home, although I make literally twice as much as he does).
I do hide pedi appts, leaving early to go home, etc. because I do not want to be seen as "giving up" on my career. And honestly, this perception was created by the mothers that went before me who DID flake out, abuse leave, go part time, drop the ball on clients, etc. Even though I have no intention of doing those things, I have to fight to prove it because other women did.
Some days I care about work less and spend all day bumping and blogging.
Other days I work my ASS off so that I can get home and see my kid. I look at it as, if I have to be away from him, I better make this time be worth it.
In the end though, I had a SAHM who resented us and was miserable. It showed in our relationship. I cannot allow that to happen to me and my family. I know that working and being a lawyer is what I was meant to do, there's no way around it, so I have to suck it up and make the best of it.
and PS. I made it through seven years of higher education, and the bar exam, without drinking a cup of coffee. Two weeks of working with a baby and I'm at two (big) cups a day, followed by a steady stream of Diet Mt Dew in the evenings. Who can do it all sober?
This is good information, Blair. For me, personally, staying home isn't an option. We need the income. And we're in a position where we have to have the second income to make ends meet, but it also gives us money for vacations, shopping, etc. So, I'm OK with being a working mom. I think it's partly knowing it's not an option that makes me not even "go there" in my head and partly trying to view providing for my kid as part of my job as her mother.
My biggest struggle is trying to be a fantastic mother and also trying to never give co-workers a chance to say "well, before she had a baby this would have been better" or whatever. That means a lot of working from home in the evenings and being tied to a blackberry most weekends. That being said, my kid comes first and I have a very supportive boss.
I don't feel guilty for working. I know that my child knows who I am. I take random days off just to hang out with her (or go through Nap Wars), I make the most of my weekends with her and I'll be there when she needs to go to the doctor and when she gets older and has school plays or soccer games. My working is the decision that is best for our family, right now.
Wow. That was a rambling comment. I need another cup of tea. It'll be #3 for the day.
Let me first say, Blair, I love your blog!
I used to have a very stressful executive position as a CFO. My position was eliminated when I was 12 weeks pregnant and I was devastated. I was able to find another job and was back to work in 6 weeks. My new job is not nearly as stressful and I am not glued to work 24/7. I did take a pay cut and my title is not as fancy but it all worked out for the best.
I am not as motivated by my career since my LO was born. I find myself watching the clock and checking the mommy websites way too much during a work day. I definitely don't give it 100% or even 75% truthfully. I work 8:30 – 5:00 everyday. I find myself getting anxious if I think I will be even a few minutes late. But that is another issue. I do not work late unless I can do it from home. If I am on the mommy track then so be it because I am a mommy and that is my favorite and most rewarding job!
I do not want to stay at home and still enjoy working it is just not my number one focus. I make a good living and we are comfortable for now. I still have the skill, motivation and knowledge in my field I am just not willing to give my life to it anymore. As long as my family is happy then so I am.
Oh and the coffee, two cup minimum here!
I just went back to work on Tuesday. I do believe it would have been the hardest day of my life if I had not gone back as part time. When I could no longer bare the idea of going back to my less-than-rewarding job (a week before my 12 week mat leave was over), I negotiated my hours down to 30. I took a large pay cut, but I get home every day at 2. I can deal with the 6 hour separation and the lack of pay just to spend those 3 extra hours a day with my little girl. I think I am a better employee b/c I get to leave earlier.
I drink 2 cups a day.
My husband and I knew the importance of having one parent stay at home (particularly during the first year) so we intentionally waited to have kids until our 30s. I definitely do not regret having kids later; I think financial peace of mind is far better than anything youth can offer.
I do feel for working moms…the number of things on your plate is significant. But for the SAHMs, please know we are also making sacrifices, too. I closed my (rather lucrative) practice (MFT) after seven years of higher education, two years of internship, and one year of licensing in order to stay home. It's a strange feeling to wake up and realize everything you studied so hard for has been shelved. I think the debate of WM v. SAHM is never going to be resolved…any way you slice it, it's tough. Period.
I also recommend reading 'Committed,' by Elizabeth Gilbert. While she mainly examines what marriage does to women, there is a great section about the dynamics of childbearing (and subsequent rearing) and its toll on women. Great read and very informative!
And why are you drinking 4+ cups of coffee per day if you are having panic attacks? Talk to your doctor about this but it's best to avoid caffeine (or at least, this much caffeine).
Kim, I think that if this post were devoted to the stress, anxiety, and pressure that the role of stay-at-home parent brings, you would also find a lot of validation of your experiences. I think that we need to be careful to recognize that the pressures of being a stay-at-home parent don't detract from the pressures of being a working parent, and vice-versa. We ALL have rewards and we ALL make sacrifices. I think the "What about me?!?!?!?!" comments are tiresome.
I wonder how many of those respondents are affected by PPD.
You'd need to see how the stats on that first point compare to stats for younger women to put it into context. Also, what stands out to me is that TWO THIRDS of moms 30-34 then don't wish they had a child at a younger age.
I'm glad I waited until 31 to had a baby. With a career more established it gives me more flexibility – I feel like I have less to prove with my years of experience behind me. I don't have to work unpaid O/T just to make an impression. Finding balance is always challenging. If life were easy it would be totally boring.
There are two things I always tell myself:
1) This is OUR reality. It is a complete waste of energy to think about what life would be like if I could be a SAHM FT. For the foreseeable future I will be working, and I am at peace with that. It doesn't matter what so-and-so did to be able to afford to stay home – that's not us.
2) I'm a great mom because I'm doing what's best for my son – providing financial security for our family by working hard at a job I believe in trying to make a difference in the world for his future.
Going back to work was misery for me. I wouldnt say I had ppd, but i was defintely depressed about the necessity to work. I agree with all those feelings and felt them all – guilt, sad, anxious, stressed. I wished that I didnt have to work, but wasn't willing to change our standard of living to make that possible (which led to further guilty feelings). Now my daughter is 18 months and its getting a tiny bit easier to cope with work. But I'm really scared of what happens if I have to do it again with #2.
I am certain that having babies impacts my career. I refuse to work OT. I resist any travel. These just aren't choices that put you on the track to management at my big corp job. But I've also realized my priorities changed. Now work is just about providing my gamily financially. Its not about getting ahead or about status any more. So much for my MBA that I got before my daughter was born!
Blair, I gave up coffee because it only magnifies my anxiety. I feel much more "zen" without caffeine in my system, as hard as the initial shock was.
I am shocked by the age results. I just had my first baby at 32, and couldn't imagine having him any earlier! My husband and I traveled through our 20s, we're in our 'final' house, and we're at a point in our careers where we can call some of our own shots and have the flexibility we need. I was ready to slow down – any earlier, and I think I might have resented the extreme amount of time, energy and sacrifice it takes to be a parent.
I completely mommy-track myself, I just could not handle it all. My son was very sickly and we had a lot of doctors appts and it was just crazy. So I moved to part time, it completely killed my career.
Even part time I find it hard to balance my work, and taking care of my family and myself (oh and let's not forget housework and "other" things). I do not regret the decision because working 38 hours a week is the best decision for my family and I can work on my career in a few years. I would be in a mental facility if I would have tried to do it all.
I had to give up coffee, I was drinking so much it made me jittery…
I am not back to work yet – I will be going back in September to teach. Teaching is difficult because there is so much required from you outside of the school hours. However, for me, I already know that when it comes down to marking essays or spending time with my daughter, she will win out every time. I don't know how I am going to handle this or how I will manage it all, but there are precious few hours that I will get to spend with her and I'm not letting a job interfere with that.
I have to do some serious thinking about my future career-wise because if I was a mom of a child in my class, I'm not sure how I would view this attitude. I want to be a good mom and a good teacher, but I don't think I can do both. But I also can't not work, we need the money. So I am really at a crossroads.
As I'm still working on the actual MOM part, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I wish I had had children at a younger age. I'm almost 32, and three years into TTC. Was it possible for me to have my husband now and the life I have now AND have children earlier? No. It wasn't. I didn't get my life together and meet my future until I was 26-27. I don't regret waiting for the right guy but if I could have my cake and eat it too, I would have met him and started ALL of this earlier.
I had my daughter 5 months ago at the age of 35. I worked hard for my career (earned a Ph.D. plus 10 years experience) and I am passionate about what I do.
My job allowed me to come back from maternity leave on a temporary, part-time basis. It was truly the best of both worlds. However, they were unable to make the part-time schedule permanent. My last day was Friday – and I agonized that decision.
However, because of my experience, 3 other organizations offered me "come to work for us as little or as much as you'd like". I started my new, part-time gig Monday. My new job has the potential to catapult my career to places I never dreamed. I am so glad I decided the parameters of a job that would work for me (my family and my career) and then stuck to those parameters.
Will my long-term career goals be affected by my part-time status? yes. Do we have to make some financial sacrifices to shoulder the cut in salary? yes. Is my family a little happier and calmer because of this decision? yep.
My return to work was bittersweet. I had told myself I didn't want to go. That I would miss my little guy way too much. That I was missing out on the best days and I would never get them back. But I quickly realized that while all of those were true (or partially true), I also enjoyed getting back to work. The adults! The conversations not about pacifiers or diaper brands!
I do, though, feel like less of an employee since returning. I head out as soon as possible so I can get H from daycare. I am gone for 20 minutes twice a day to pump. If he's sick, I'm home. Oh, and there's the zoning out staring at his photo issue.
Ideally, I'd find a job that I liked and that allowed me the flexibility I want. It's just not going to happen, though. So I'll do this for the time being. And if work decides I'm a slacker, then we'll deal with it when that time comes.
Re: The Coffee: Here, here!
Now I'm going to sound like a freak here, but I do not like kids. I mean, *didn't* like kids. I never planned on having any, and couldn't understand why others did.
Then my little girl came along, and I am still reeling from the change of attitude my militant, productive self has undergone. Not only did I no longer care about my career, I quit! Now I work from home selling my handmade stuff, attempting to build a blog empire, and babysitting my newborn nephew voluntarily.
Go figure.
I definitely don't care as much about work now. I just had my review today, and basically told my boss if getting a promotion gets in the way of me working from home once per week, then I don't want the promotion. I'd rather have the time with my son.
I had a hard time coming back to work, and I still have a hard time with it every day. I keep waiting for it to get easier. I just wish I was home more.
WOW…TOTALLY AGREE! My son is 5 months and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself how the hell am I supposed to be the same working girl as I was before the onset of mommyhood. I feel somewhat labeled now that I have a child. Case in point – I was questioning the attendance and four day travel to a meeting for work that was/is just a meeting to meet..not a meeting to have an outcome. I brought that up to the person leading the meeting and she said, "you are just saying that because you want to get home to that adorable little boy right." No lady, I want to have the time away from my kid, job, bed, husband MEAN something.
When I was choosing my profession and company, I specifically chose them because they were family friendly. Either you work full time, have a long commute and miss out on time with your kids or you find other arrangements. You live closer to work, make less by working part time or stay home.
If you desire a career with limitless opportunities, you are going to have to sacrifice time with your kids. You will have to become like the boys, who are not hindering their performance at work because they are not feeling guilty for leaving their kids at daycare.
If I were a woman with no children and I had to work with you hating your job and moping around the office, I would be quite annoyed because unless you work independently, your workplace will suffer if you let YOUR choices paralyze you and make you unproductive. You may be able to get "protection" from HR regulations, but that does not mean your attitude is not burning more and more bridges everyday.
What do you want the results to say? That women can have it all? Of course you can't! You have to decide what is most important. Some women are perfectly happy to work full time and spend two hours a night with their kids.
I want to work because I want to have money to accomplish all my dreams, beyond motherhood. I am no doctor though. I work for a non-profit where I make an ok living but have tons of flexibility. I have a small house, a 7 minute commute and an older car. My way of achieving the best of both worlds, getting home at 2:30 to spend my afternoons with DD.
As a young mother, 24, I think having children at my age makes the most sense. I have established myself as a "mother" first at work and in a couple years when my kids are in school, I can re-establish myself as career woman if I so choose. For now work expects that I will have doctors appointments to attend and that DD is my number one priority. I will start climbing the corporate ladder when my kids are school and I can emotionally invest more into my job.
I do not get some of you commenters, you are feeling sad, anxious and depressed about working, yet you do not give it up because you don't want to give up your lifestyle- well shoot- you just put yourself in a downward spiral. You become your own worst enemy. You will have to choose. You will have to sacrifice. Why is that a surprise? Women have been making these choices and living with them for years.
"….when my kids are in school, I can re-establish myself as career woman if I so choose."
Good Luck with that one! Take it from a manager, NO ONE will take you seriously after you've mommy-tracked yourself.
Report back in 5 years and let us know how your "Now I'm a career woman" re-invention plan is working.
Your not much of a manager then. This is what my mom and her mom both did very successfully. Keep in mind I will be in my early 30's, not 40's because I did not wait forever to have my kids.
I care SO much less about my job, in fact, in any given day I can be overheard saying "I just don't give a shit."
I drink 1 cup at home, plus a travel mug. And on most afternoons I have one more cup to get me through till the end of the day. I used to stroll out of work, 10 or 15 minutes later than required, to tie up loose ends. Now when 430 strikes- I am out.the.door.
well, here's my story. i feel that being pregnant/having a baby negatively impacted my career bc of two reasons. 1) it made me not care as much. my focus changed SO much from my work to my baby, and taking care of my family. i didn't work as hard bc i didn't want to be there, and i just plain didn't care. 2) i had PPD which i attribute 80% of to having to go back to work. i was seriously perfectly fine on my mat leave, but as soon as i went back to work i was having TERRIBLE anxiety, to the point i literally couldn't function. i just HAD to leave my job. so i ended up going part time, then leaving all together. and ya know what? about a week later, my PPD was almost gone and i felt like me again. when i was working, i didn't feel the need to hide doc appts or anything like that- my work was great about stuff like that. but still to this day, my dh and i are the only ones who know that i had PPD. NO ONE else knows. i'm not sure why, but i can't tell anyone else. i feel embarrassed, ashamed, and vulnerable about it, so i wouldn't be surprised if i never tell anyone. so in a nutshell, i couldn't handle being a ftwm. but i don't regret my decision to leave my job one. bit.
I am not sure if I care "less" about my work since having my daughter, but I am not as involved as I once was. My husband stays home with her (he has his own business) when I am at work (which is only 3 days, I am an ICU nurse) so i dont have the worry factor about her being at daycare like I know some moms fret over. I do not plan on going on and getting my masters in nursing (and never really wanted to), I went to school to be a bedside nurse, to take care of the sick and show compassion. I do that, and do it well, but at the end of the day, I clock out and its all about my daughter and husband.
And for caffeine, no coffee for me but I stop and get a 44oz diet dr pepper every morning on my way to work, it gets me through my day!!
I suffered from pregnancy hormones that I think lessened my ability to be viewed as a valued employed. I cried all the the time and I think people saw me as a weak person. I worked my arse off for company I worked for. However, I went on maternity leave thinking I would have a secure position. I even spent about a month of maternity leave working part time. I 100% regret this now because they took that time away from me. I return to work on my scheduled date and guess what…they laid me off. My world turned completely upside down. I was already suffering from PPD and I was so upset having to not only go back to work but get laid off the very day I returned.
Luckily I rebounded fast. I got a new better job and way less stress full. I think being a working mom is extremely hard somedays. I have maybe 30 mins of downtime a day. I don't get to go to any of the pedi appointments. I don't have any paid time off at my new job yet. I feel guilty when I can't go to her appointments of be there to pick her up for daycare. On top of all of this I had terrible supply problems. I have to pump at work (my new job!) so that I can keep the little supply that I have. I feel sneaky and like a bad employee just because I have to take 20 mind twice a day to pump. People give me the side eye as I sneak off to my "pump office" and they ask me casually every time I leave my "pump office" if I was going home for the day. I lie and just ignore their questions. I am ashamed. Lets just say it's a mixture of emotions and sometimes if it's worth it. While I enjoy having my job and working I feel like I am judged all the time.
Oh and I only have one BIG cup of coffee a day.
At least it's free at work.
Blair- hang in there! you're in a rough spot- my son is now 15 months old and I swear things get a bit smoother as you have a toddler (I hope!)
Oh, and all these idiots who've pressured/complained/harassed pumping moms can bite my butt. Seriously. Most people "waste" a lot of time at work, and so if you can't get over it that they will be pumping at work you can just get over it!!!!
Oh and I only drink 2 cups a day- but my cups are big
I have an 8 month old son, I am 31, and have worked at my current job for 7yrs. I work with 17 people and 16/17 either dont have kids or their spouse stays at home full time. Needless to say I have had virtually no support once I announced I was pregnant. I totally believe that becoming pregnant impacted how I was viewed by my coworkers. Luckily my son is a million times cooler than my coworkers, but its still been hard. I recently went to part time (80% M-Th) to try to help manage some of the stress that I was having and was told by more than one person that my decision was "career suicide". Many a day I want to yell the F'er at the top of my lungs at everyone I work with, but I endure. As much as I have been struggling to find a balance, I wouldnt change having my son. Oh and I have at least two cups of coffee in the morning, and a third at lunch if needed!
Having a baby definitely changed my attitude about work and life. I was such a career oriented person before baby and never thought i would ever want to stay at home. That all changed when I became a mother. I have gone to part time but am still unhappy and would give anything to be a SAHM. I feel like I never get enough time with my little man and I'm less of a mother and wife because Im always so stressed. I still have not spent the night away from him and he is a year old! But I guess you always want what you can't have right?
I teach middle school and returned this Monday after being out on maternity leave for 3 months – I spent all last week crying, frustrated, angry, and etc. I remember reading that you said the anticipation of returning is much worse than the actual day – and I found that to be very true.
The fact is, I love what I do, and I feel that now that I'm a mommy, I will be a better teacher – I have more patience, more sympathy, more understanding. My son goes to a wonderful daycare (we call it "school" – it makes me feel better about the whole thing) and I hope that he'll get as much from his experiences there, as I get from my career.
So although I would love to stay home with my little boy, I feel like I'm a better mom to him, and a better teacher to my students, because of my new situation. Now, as housekeeper to my home… not so much…
Oh, and I drink A LOT of coffee. And diet dr. pepper. And diet coke. Anything with caffeine, really. I usually make another pot of coffee in the morning before we leave, just to fill up the travelers.
I'm shocked at the statistics on women wishing they had their baby at a younger age. I'm 36 and very happy I waited until 35 to have my first child. I'm established in my career and have less financial concerns now. I wouldn't have been able to afford the childcare I want for my daughter when I'm at work. For me, I couldn't stay at home with her full time. I feel I'm a better mom because I have some time away, so I'm more patient with her when I'm at home.
First of all, who are all these people that wished they had their baby at a younger age? I was nearly 30 when I had my first son and will be 31 when I have my second in May. I am SO SO SO glad that I waited. I enjoyed my twenties to the fullest and loved being able to travel before we had children!
Secondly, I am the working mom who QUIT her job to be with her son. I didn't want to be a SAHM. It was never a part of the plan. But I started a new job when my son was 7-months-old. This job was supposed to provide a better work/life balance so I could spend more time with my son. Unfortunately, all I ever got were guilt trips when I needed to pick up my sick son from daycare or needed to take a Friday off to go to doctor's appointments. It was horrid and I was treated so unfairly. No one there really understood because they don't have kids. The irony of it all is that the company was named one of the top 100 best places for working mothers. EXCUSE ME while I laugh my ass off.
I quit and now we're still living to learn on one income because I'm pregnant with my second baby and no one will hire a pregnant chick. Lovely : )
I know that I won't be a SAHM forever. I actually feel like I was forced to choose between working and my family. Well, I chose my family and have never regretted it. But I do hope that in the near future I am able to find a job that works hard to promote a good work/life balance. A company that doesn't make me feel terrible if I am breastfeeding at 3 a.m. instead of answering emails on my blackberry at 3 a.m.
They shouldn't automatically assume that I'm not a hard worker/good employee just because I have children. That's not fair.
And yes, I drank A LOT of coffee to get by. One mandatory cup in the morning and usually another by the afternoon.
If coffee is my form of caffeine I need around 3 cups.. if it's pop I need one or 2 spread throughout the day, depending on the day… And I am not even a mom yet.. thought my class of 5 year olds tire me out
Not knowing anything about the survey when it was taken, the first point makes me wonder if they asked women in their 20s if they wish they had their child at an older age. I'm wondering if a similar percentage would say yes because of being more ready, financially secure, etc.
I'm due with my first child at 34 this summer and, while I could totally change my mind post-baby, I would definitely not have wanted a baby any sooner than now.
Sometimes it bugs me that there's this idea that every woman who waits to have a baby in her 30s must be wishing she's had one sooner.
Give aways, reviews, stats from some Bump survey…are you kidding me? Honestly Blair, you're losing me and it's bummin' me out.
I love you, girl. Can we get back to you blogging again? I'm sick of the sales pitches and organized crap (like McFatty Monday, which btw, is a weak name).
Here here.
Seriously – this blog jumped the shark long ago.
The company that I work for gave us 12 wks off after having the baby……..which was AWESOME! However, when I did go back to work, I didn't enjoy work at all and I used to LOVE my job, and I only lasted 6 wks till I was giving my 2 wks notice. I always felt like I was meant to stay home and I just couldn't get back into the groove of work. I'm loving staying home and I never regret my choice to stay home full-time. However, there are sacrifices to being able to stay home, but totally worth it in my opinion.
man! this is why i don't blog more – all these random haters. i definitely fall into that category of "not caring as much about work". my daycare closes at 230, so i work 730-210 instead of 730-4 or 5 or 6. i can take my son back to work in the afternoons if i want, and for the time being i take him with me to work on fridays. but i am EXTREMELY lucky because i work at a small private school where my husband also works. this is not to say that it is easy – i love my son and i love my job, and it's hard to reconcile those. but i am luckyluckylucky that i have that situation and that my emotions/feelings/worries/stress haven't been worse than they are- but like any mom, they are of course no walk in the park. ( i wish i could go for more walks in the park! i might fit into my pants better if i did)
i am glad that you are being honest and forthcoming on your blog because that is the reason you started it with harpie a long time ago, and the reason i read it. and i think you're doing fantastically. hang in there!
I more or less agree with the last 3 bullets.
1) Stress was my biggest issue coming back to work. I was terrified that I was going to forget something! I had a list that I kept on my table for a couple weeks before I was confident that I wouldnt' forget anything (and yes, "baby" was at the top of the list!)
2) Bullet 3 & 5 are similar for me. I find that I don't care about work anymore and I think that will affect my job – but it hasn't yet. My company isn't doing too well and there is a strong chance that I might be laid off at some point. I am at the point that I don't really care. If that happens, I will get severance and I can collect unemployment and take some time to look for something else.