Last week, I stumbled across an article that asked the question, “Are you raising a douchebag?”

& considering that I have the maturity level & humor of a 15-year-old boy, I started laughing so hard I almost cried.  & then promptly forwarded it to Nate.

After reading it, I began thinking of all the kids out there that are…well, DOUCHEBAGS.

Back when Harrison was first born, I braved our (tiny) local library for some reading while he napped.  (oh my God, the days when he used to nap.  like a fairytale long ago in a far away land, or maybe a story shared over Christmas dinner with a tear in your eye, like when you believed in Santa Clause.  but I digress)  I managed to single-handedly unfold the stroller out of the trunk, get Harrison in the stroller, sling the diaper bag across my shoulder, make sure I hadn’t locked my keys in the trunk, & by the time I made it across the parking lot to the swinging library doors, I felt like I had run a marathon.  A young girl (probably somewhere around 9 years old) ran in front of me & her mother as I approached the doors, wondering how I was going to manage this.  ”Oh, sweet!” I thought.  ”She’s going to hold the door for me!”  She opens the door, & walks through.  I trot right on her heels, expecting her to do that awkward holding-of-the-door from the inside…and she drops the door.  Right on me, my stroller, & my sleeping baby.  BAM!  I find myself wedged precariously, now trying to shove the metal & glass with my shoulder, push the stroller, & pray that Harrison didn’t wake up.  The little girl never glanced back & her mother never even blinked an eye when I looked back at her like, “Did you see what your daughter just did?!”  No apology.  No reprimand.  Not even a blink of recognition for the scene that just occurred.

“Your daughter?!” I wanted to scream.  ”IS A DOUCHEBAG.  AND SO ARE YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.”

Are the days truly gone when children would hold doors open for adults, women with strollers, & little ol’ ladies?  Can I truly no longer walk through Target without being plowed down by a 10-year-old boy on Wheelies with no apology?  & are parents really putting up with their children saying, “SHUT UP!” to them in Aeropastle over a stack of cheap graphic tees?

I don’t know about you, but I fully plan on raising my son to be a gentlemen.  I’ve gone back on a lot of things I “thought” I would never do as a parent – co-sleeping, solids, lovies in the crib, caring about vomit on my shoulder.  But I will not compromise on manners.  My son will say “please.”  He will say “thank you.”  He will hold the door for women with strollers, limping with vaginal stitches.  God forbid if I ever cave to Wheelies, he will stop & apologize should he ever run into someone.  He will open the car door for his date, clear his plate after dinner, & mow the grass for a mere $10.  & he absolutely will ask his fiance’s father face-to-face if he can have her hand in marriage.

Because that is what a gentleman does.

p.s.  this morning, I had to explain to The Momma the new meaning of the word “douchebag” since it is more slang for a pretentious, entitled jackass rather than an actual tool used to rinse out your box.  Which apparently was popular back in the 60′s and 70′s.