Let’s put this bluntly – having a baby is like watching Britney Spears shave her head with crazy eyes & then ram an umbrella into an SUV at a gas station.  Remember how you felt?  Helpless, humored, confused, & shocked with a massive dose of “WTF IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE?!?!”

yeah.  That’s what happens when you have a baby.  For us, Harrison was a bald umbrella-wielding Britney.  (I’ll be sure to tell him that when he’s 18.)

I am now of the opinion that if you have a baby to “save your marriage,” you deserve ridicule & a discount to the closest divorce attorney in town.  Sure, you’ll get warm fuzzies 90% of the time your husband holds that fresh little nugget.  Those first few days in the hospital, hunkered down as a new wee family?  Bliss.  (p.s. to those that are knocked up, take my advice & soak it in.  soak in the help & the hormone high & the absolute bliss that you feel. bottle it up, because you’ll need those memories to pull out in the dark stages to come)   A baby brings animal ears on hoodies, sweet coos, & warm fuzzies.  We all know this.

But a baby also brings sleep deprivation, mis-communication, higher demands of you spouse, & a plummeting sex drive.

I’m not a marriage expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a firm believer that there are two aspects to a marriage – the emotional & the physical.  & both go hand-in-hand.  If your emotional relationship goes wonky, your relationship in the bedroom suffers.  & in return, lack of maritals leads to emotional dissent.  Both pieces work together & both pieces are hammered resoundingly by that umbrella-wielding Britney known as “Baby.”

Two Known Facts:
1)  Biologically, women shut down the baby-making factory to nurture the infant they have.  We dry up like the Sahara, both physically & emotionally in regards to maritals.  Everything in our hormones screams DO NOT GET KNOCKED UP AGAIN  & I swear to God, if they still made iron chastity belts, I would have invested in one as soon as I delivered.  & then made Tucker swallow the key.

b)  Men don’t have this biological reaction.    ’nuff said.

So it shouldn’t shock anyone that 6 weeks post-partum, my husband was wondering why my lacy thongs were still lying in my underwear drawer while sensible polka-dot granny panties adorned my butt cheeks.   & that I had no urge to change this situation.  (side note: does anyone else get squeamish about a rail-thin piece of fabric precariously close to where your OB performed a whip stitch only 12 weeks ago?  like it could just slip past and OMG, you have a string creeping up your vag?!  or am I the only one with a ridiculously over-active imagination?  yes?  okay, then.) Did we do the dirty the night of my check-up?  Absolutely.  Did it hurt?  nah, not really.

So WHY is my lingerie drawer still untouched?  Because it’s biological.  Because it’s emotional.  Because I am two sizes larger than I used to be & not yet comfortable in lace that barely covers 1/10th of my body.

& WHY did Nate start pulling out my lingerie, one-by-one, describing the memories he had of such outfits?  Because he’s a 27-year-old man that loves sex.  A man that loves me & thinks I still look hot in the bustier with fringe on the bottom that, in his mind, makes me sexier than Shakira.  & a man that wanted me to know that on no uncertain terms is he dreading the return to my lingerie-wearing days.

What did I do in all my post-hormonal psychosis?  I cried.  Of course.  Cried that I want to feel sexy.  I want to wear lingerie.  But I can’t fit into it yet.  So please, honey…be patient.  I’ll get there.  I won’t be on Mommy Lock-Down forever.  But sometimes in this stage of life, it is hard to fathom the act of sex, no matter how attractive & bang-worthy I find my husband.  I try to remember that men & women are different.  Let’s be frank – my husband isn’t a caveman, but let’s put all bull aside & admit that men are NOT as complex as we want them to be.  Are they sensitive, emotional, & capable of incredible love?  Absolutely.  Are they as complex with a touch of the batshitcrazy as women?  Personally, I don’t think so.  As one of the gals that co-authored Baby Proofing Your Marriage (oh, what’s that?  I’ve recommended that book ad nauseam?  YEAH, I KNOW.  BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME), “Men communicate with sex.  Imagine your husband sitting across the table from you & not speaking to you for a month.”  (okay, I paraphrased. but it’s late & i’m on like, glass 4 of merlot)

Yesterday, I came home to a new piece of lingerie, 2 sizes bigger.  & proposed a plan to Nate:

Sex every day.  For the next thirty days.

(inspired by this couple.  if they did it for 101 days, surely we can hang for a mere 30 days!)

WHY?!  you scream.  WHY, Blair?!  Do you have no sense of traumatized vagina?  Do you not have enough crammed into your 24-hour-needing-48-hours day?!  I do!  I promise!  But I also know that I need to get laid.  Because it’s too easy to let sex become something I brush off thinking “tomorrow night!”  and then “tomorrow night” again.  and again.  and again.  Until it’s been 3 weeks since we last bumped uglies & I’m wondering why I’m finding Nate’s teeth-brushing routine to be annoying.  Am I scheduling sex?  Absolutely.  But I’m probably having more sex than those that are want to criticize this act.  WIN.

We’re viewing this as an experiment – can we make it 30 days?  can we use this to spark the sex life we had prior to baby-making?  can having more make me want more, therefore regaining my ol’ faithful sex drive?  will nate faint from happiness two weeks in?  can I finally convince him to let me seduce him in the back of his car on his lunch break?

& the more important question – can you purchase Trojans in bulk?