I have PPD.
Post partum depression.
I literally feel like my chest is closing in on me, reading those words.
I suspected it for awhile, but the official diagnosis came this past Wednesday morning after a sob-filled, hyperventilating discussion with my OB. I just kept sliding downhill. & as much as I knew it was a possibility & as much of an advocate as I am for getting help, I’ve been terrified to admit it or face it. I just kept thinking it was all circumstantial & would get better. First it was the screaming. It will get better when that stops. It will get better when I get used to work. It will get better when I’m off birth control. It will get better when my period stops.
But it just keeps getting worse. Until I began feeling like my entire life was shutting down at a speed that I cannot keep up with.
To be honest – this is an incredibly hard post to write. I want to assure you that I never have & never will hurt Harrison. I am getting help in both therapy & medication now, but I am ashamed to say that it took me four months to realize that the thoughts & feelings I have are not normal. I am afraid. Nate is scared, but being strong. & my family is worried but offering incredible support – I am lucky to have them. But I am grasping to the hope that there me be a light in front of me…eventually. The simple admission is already making me shake as I type, but it would be an injustice to myself & anyone else suffering to keep this quite.
Because the term “suffering” from postpartum depression has never felt more accurate.
I've had depression & anxiety for years– been to counseling and been on meds for both. I stopped taking all meds when we started TTC. 10 weeks pregnant now and I'm doing ok, but my ob/gyn has encouraged me to be really honest with her about how I'm feeling and whether or not I need to be back on meds.
This is a huge step for you– I know it's so hard to admit that something just isn't right, but when you talk about it in counseling and find the right meds that work for you (you may have to try a few!) it will make a world of difference.
You'll be so happy that you were honest with yourself, Nate & your doctor. Like PP said, there is no shame. Taking this step is brave…it doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are STRONG.
Blair, you are a strong woman and an incredible mother. You are doing what you need to do and taking care of the situation. I doubt ANY of us would ever worry about you hurting that sweet baby. We know he is your world. Hang in there.
Look how much support you have, Blair! You are so brave to admit this and share your experience with us.
From what I've read, you are a great wife and mother, and you have an amazing husband to help you through this.
This too shall pass. Just remember that.
Obviously you have many people supporting you but just know that most mothers understand.
You are a great mother.
You are a fabulous person.
And happy pills are awesome.
xo
This too shall pass. I'm so glad you're getting the help you need! Thank you for posting about this, it was incredibly brave and I just know it will help so many out there who are afraid to face up to it themselves.
If/when you are ready and if you are so inclined, I for one would really be interested to hear how PPD has manifested itself in your life. As previous commenters have said, I sometimes have periods when I wonder, and then others when I'm "fine".
Above all: good luck and know that so many prayers, thoughts and hearts are with you during this time.
Blair, you are so brave, and I have no doubt that you will help so many women just by admitting this. There are so many people out there who need a support system for PPD. Thank you for being honest. God bless you in your journey.
Love you.
::hugs:: Great big ones.
I cried when I read this because to read it out loud rings so true to me in my heart of hearts. The other day it was so bad for me that I actually called my husband home from work because I was so overwhelmed. Thank you for writing the words I've been afraid to say out loud.
GL in treatment and thank you. I'm probably the 10000th person to say it but you are awesome.
::big fat virtual hugs::
This is a very brave post. I am so sorry you are suffering, but glad that you know the reason and can find a way out.
I just want to hug you! You will get through this!
Blair. I can tell by some of the posts you've written and songs that you've quoted that you probably believe in the power of prayer. I'm praying for you, girl! Hang in there; although I haven't had PPD, I have suffered from depression & anxiety and I know you will make it through. You are an amazing woman, wife, mother and person.
"I have watched you grow
And I've stood in your shadow
I've never walked away
I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid
Yes, I know when you breathe
And I feel when you need
I won't let you sink
No, I forgive you
You can be healed
You can be free
You can know peace
Never be afraid again
Never be afraid
Never be afraid
He's here"
~Phobic by Plumb
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} so sorry you are going through this.. it will get better!
Hi, I've never comment before, but I've been reading for a little while. Just wanted to say I somewhat know how you feel. I was recently diagnosed with depression, and have been on anti-depressants for about 3 weeks now. It's amazing that slowly, and subtly it is making a difference. I'm 26 years old, and always was able to handle every task, and every dilemma put in front of me. But the past year things just got too much for me, and it wasn't until my hair stylist commented on my hair thinning, that I realized that it's not just all in my head, I do have stress/anxiety/depression, and I needed to do something about it.
I wish you luck on feeling better, I know you'll reach that point.
I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You're so strong for posting this and seeking help. You're amazing and I know you'll come out of this a much stronger woman.
You have already done so much more than many moms. I have no idea about statistics for PPD but I'm sure that there are SO many women suffering from it who haven't sought help. Thankfully, you have such a strong support system. That's HUGE! Good for you for getting help.
I can't imagine the PP part of it, but depression blows…no matter what kind it is. I wish you the best of luck with the recovery process. Also, thank you for stepping out and blogging about this. I appreciate how real you are. I think we need that sincerity in the blogosphere. And even though you have a great support system IRL, don't forget that you have a great online support system to back that up. Sometimes, you need to talk to someone outside of the situation. That's what we are all here for.
Again, good luck.
I feel you, or I felt you. After I had my daughter I too suffered from PPD however I was never diagnosed and wouldn't admit it until after she was a year old and had gotten thru it. Pride is a bitch, a bitch that sometimes slaps you in the face over and over again. I am commend you for asking for help because that was something I could never do.
Get over it! You asked for this and now you have it. All you have ever dreamed of and more. Enjoy. Smooches and quit the b!tching as many of our ancestors have been thru this and alot worse
~Serena Van Der Woodsen
(see it is not so funny when it is real life and not a lame tv drama eh?)
hugs mama. let me know if you need anything. seriously.
I am a long time reader as well, but have never commented…Good for you for writing this and for getting help. You know you have your followers here to support you!
I'll be praying for you. Right now, that's all I can do. Glad you recognized the need for help and are getting it and that you have such a great support system.
And delete any comments that don't lift you up. Anyone trying to bring you down needs to be knocked down a peg or 4.
I have never read your blog before, I just happened to come over from "Mommy Blogs." I was compelled to comment, after reading just the first sentence of this post.
I had PPD after the birth of my first daughter. My OB was terrible about it (he was a man), and didn't really help me get the help I needed. I ended up having PPD until I was pg with my 2nd daughter and after she was born. That was almost 2 years that I suffered.
After my second daughter was born I started going to a PPD support group. This was huge for me, this was probably the biggest contributing factor to me getting well again. I highly recommend you finding a support group in your area, and trying it at least once. You can usually bring your baby, and your husband can come too.
Do not be ashamed of this, or of getting help. You are not alone. *Hugs*
((hugs)) to you. I have been treated for PPD with both therapy and medication. They both helped A LOT. Best of luck to you! Your son is beautiful and you are a great Mommy!
((Hugs)). It is so amazing that you were able to write this, not only for yourself but for the others who may be suffering as well. You are a diamond in the rough, an amazing person, and this proves it even more. You are so real and that makes me admire you all the more. All my love and support,
Liz
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I do not have kids, but have a few friends that have been thru this and you will make it out of the PPD stronger than ever! Hang in there!
Blair, your love for your husband & son radiates through your blog. You will get through this and we will all be supporting you every step of the way. I never had PPD however I had a very severe Depression & Anxiety Disorder that crippled me for quite a while. With the help of therapy and medication I was able to make a full recovery. I am no longer on medication, no longer in therapy, life has it's ups and downs but it's wonderful. I'll be thinking about you. <3
Thanks for posting this. I hope you keep us updated on your progress. You seem to have a loving family and lots of support right here in blog land. Take Care!
I'm so sorry you have PPD, but so happy you're getting treatment. I suffered from PPD for almost 5 months before finally admitting it to myself and my doctor. I was put on Zoloft immediately and started therapy. My life and my experience with motherhood did a complete 180 once I got help. Best of luck!
bless your heart!
i commend you for taking action and getting help!
i hope it gets better soon. thanks so much for sharing
I am so sorry to hear you are suffering from PPD, but you have made the first step, which they say is the hardest. I just want to say thank you for talking about it, while it is a terrible thing to deal with, you may be able to help someone else out there suffering silently. I commend you for talking about this and I hope and pray things get better for you soon.
You are a wonderful mom and wife, remember that even when times are tough.
I too suffered from PPD, long ago…. it will get better, I promise!
I had it with my first, and I think a little with my second. Sometimes it's hard to realized that you're going through it.
I felt awful about the thoughts I had with my first. Not that I thought I didn't love her, but I felt like I didn't KNOW her, and found that I was always trying to prove to my husband that I loved her, because I was afraid that he didn't know, crazy, I know. All such weird feelings and hard to describe. But I wasn't happy, that's for sure. I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it too.
I'm sorry Blair. I am glad to hear you are getting help. I hope things get better soon.
Hey Blair, I kind of know how you are feeling. I've never suffered from PPD, but I've definitely suffered from depression, and the first step is admitting you need help. I give you a lot of props for reaching out to your family and friends for support, that is the hardest part, and it is so important to have people who know how you are feeling. We are all here for support! Best of Luck, YOU CAN BEAT THIS!
I have read your blog since your miscarriage. I had one near the same time. I had my boy in November and he was all I ever wanted. I realized at 3 weeks PP i was in serious depression. I literally wanted to die and had some CRAZY thoughts. I thought I would NEVER feel better and thought I was different than those who tell me it would, but let me tell you…it will get better. 3 months on Paxil and counseling I am on my way to my old self. I still have my days, but I love life again. You will be in my prayers.
hey Blair,
For all of us! 
Your friend!
Hang in there muy bonita chica!!! We have friends who've delt with this and we have first hand experience with it and learning about it through them. One friend has had it for years and we think part of her length of PPD is bc she didn't get treatment early on so good for you!!!! I think it's great you're getting help ASAP! It will be so good and don't worry I've never ever thought anything but that you were a great mommy and person! I know you'd never hurt Harrison and neither would our friends regarding their friends……infact they are some of the best mommies I know! Hang in there and good for you for venting and letting it out! Best to get it out and get support! Hugs and thinking of you!!! We all have our bad days, weeks, months, times etc…..fyi-check out my blog for an update on ours! But the sun will come out!
Kitty
Thank you for sharing Blair. I know a lot of women look up to you, and being able to admit your PPD and that you're getting help is very admirable. I truly wish you the best and I hope that you begin to feel more "normal" (normal to you) soon.
Lots of hugs,
Izzy
Okay, first of all, you are amazing and so brave. You will get through this and you have thousands of us cheering for you.
Secondly, I am so impressed with your weight loss and so jealous. Keep up the good work.
Thirdly, I know I have never met you or spoken to you but I have to tell you that I dreamed of you last night. In my dream you had asked for my opinion on colors (for what I have no idea) and I told you to do blue and orange. You loved the idea and I was so excited to get your approval. Then you came to work at my company and you were confused by all of our stupid workplace rules. Anyway, hopefully this didn't creep you out…I just thought it was funny. And if you're trying to decide on a color scheme for something….definitely go with blue and orange.
It took me until my daughter was almost 9 months old to realize I needed help. I kept thinking it would get better … after the colic passed, when my milk supply increased, when the teeth finally cut, when, when, when, when …
And then one day I realized how miserable I actually was. I was moody and irritable. I had zero sex drive. I was anxious and stressed out. I was gaining weight and losing interest in everything. I just wasn't happy. Ever.
I'm doing a combo of talk therapy and a low-dose anti-depressant now and I'm feeling much, much better. A lot of what I'm working on is lowering my own expectation that I must be the perfect mother/wife/employee/friend, etc.
So continue talking and medicating and be thankful (as I am) that you have a strong support system around you. This is all normal … and it'll only make you stronger.
(BTW, love the name Harrison. I've been following your blog for some time now and always enjoy your witty writing. Great sense of humor — that'll get you through a lot, too!)
Thank you for being honest.
// Sarah
You continue to give me new reasons to admire you, Blair. It was very brave of you to admit this to the big, scary, uber-judgemental world. I also suffered (suffer?) from PPD and it truly is the suck.
Blair – So so sorry that you're going through this and so so glad you've been SO BRAVE to go ask for help. It's the hardest thing to do. You're dong all the right things for you, Nate & Harrison. Be kind to yourself. You're in our prayers
Blair – I'm slow about reading blogs. Even ones I love as much as yours. So I just read this. And girl…big hugs coming your way. Major bravery for admitting this online. And major bravery for admitting it. Period. You're in my prayers.
Hey Blair,
It's taken me awhile to comment on this post because it hits so close to home. I just wanted to tell you thank you for this post and being able to admit it online. It was just one more thing that made me take a closer look at my own feelings. .
I really hope you are able to work through it soon and that you can get the help and support you deserve. I wanted to share my own post with you, because maybe you get comfort from other people's stories like I do (if not and and I'm just weird for taking comfort in other people's suffering and knowing I'm not alone please feel free to ignore
Best of luck Blair!
http://disastersindomesticity.wordpress.com/2010/…
I've been there, and I can almost guarantee you that the worst is over. Now that you've gotten help, you're on your way to feeling so much better that you won't even remember what your current hell felt like. Hang in there.
Hey just wanted to say it is awesome you posted this! I went through this when my baby boy was born. He was so sick with what is called pyloric stenosis, and was rushed to the IWK to have surgery. Before I found out it was to the point that all that was happening was he would eat, scream and cry, throw up, i would bath him, and then he would sleep for few hours, and it would start all over. He cried from day to night. I remember talking to my grandmother and she said how are you doing today, that was when it really hit me and I broke down saying I love him, and would never hurt him. But i dont like him. We really bonded in the hospital. But hang in there it will get better. I am so proud of you for facing it, and posting this. I am sure you have just helped so many other women!
God Bless you!