Guest Blog – Lauren from Texas on how she'd like to make a candy necklace out of birth control.
Ladies & gentlemen, please meet Lauren from Texas.
Isn’t she GORGEOUS?!? I have a thing for pretty people. No, really. I’m as hetero as they come, but I absolutely love a pretty person. It’s shallow, I know. But trust me, 2 seconds into Lauren’s blog, you won’t be able to look away. Because it’s just. so. pretty. Like snowfall. & twinkle lights. & pink roses. & a full glass of gin with a wedge of lime.
I “met” Lauren via Twitter & immediately fell in love. She’s smart. Funny. & I love living that married-without-kids-life vicariously through her. Like a breath of fresh air at the end of a long day. & despite her protestations, I’d like her to reproduce, please.
________________________________________
Before I get started, I’d like to say: I’m not a mom. I’m not pregnant either. I feel the need to preface my post with this information lest y’all get angry about halfway through and be like BLAIR WHY DID YOU TRICK US THIS BROAD AIN’T EVEN KNOCKED UP.
Honesty is always the best policy. Unless your husband asks you what you think about Will Smith in I Am Legend. Then you should say “What an uggo!” and immediately change the subject. Not that I would know.
I get really emotional over babies. My friend Erin just had a baby & when I met him, I basically dissolved into a puddle of melted emotion. I am his “aunt” (obviously his mom & I are not blood sisters, but there are other ways to be related, like blackmail) & therefore have every right to squeeze, kiss, caress, & coo over this baby. Unlike random babies at the grocery store, with which I have no rights. I’m learning a lot about boundaries.
I have been known to cry when friends tell me they’re pregnant. In public places. And after that I’m all HOW DO YOU FEEL CAN I TOUCH YOUR STOMACH HERE LET ME FEED YOU PUT YOUR FEET UP YOU’RE PREGNANT.
I don’t know how to handle myself when it comes to pregnancy & babies!
Especially when I think about having one of my own. I babysat my friend’s nephew a couple of days last summer (he’s 1), & the first day I kept him, I fed him breakfast & put him down for his morning nap. Then I started working on my laptop & said to myself, “See! Having a baby is easy! You could totally do this & still keep your job & your normal life!” Then he woke up & started crying. And would not be consoled unless he was sitting on my lap. Oh, and I wasn’t allowed to look at the computer screen. Oh, and the toy he wanted wasn’t the one in my hand, it was the one across the room. Oh, then he threw pieces of peeled banana on the floor. By the time his mom got home at noon, I was all GET ME OUT OF HERE & eating birth control like candy.
I just don’t think I’m “ready.”
I do know, though, that when I am ready, I’ll be able to keep my rockin’ pre-baby bod using the techniques found in this very helpful video:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keWCS942iFM]
I really admire Blair for all that she does. I mean, come on. She finds the time to make out with her husband for 15 minutes a day. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF STAMINA?! She works full-time, works out, has a hilarious blog, and all with Harrison in tow. I do the things she does WITHOUT an infant nuzzling my bosom (although I do have a husband for that) & I’m exhausted at the end of every day. Maybe once you become a mom it’s like your Rite of Passage, and you gain superhero powers? Like the ability to smell good without showering regularly? To cook dinner with your feet because your hands are currently preoccupied? I don’t know what crazy things moms do behind closed doors, but I do know that they are incredible. I hope that one day, when it’s my turn, I can step up to the plate & be a great mom too.
I watched Motherhood (the movie) the other night. OMG I LOVE UMA THURMAN. Kill Bill 2 is one of the greatest movies of all time. But I digress. In the movie, Uma plays a mommyblogger. Meaning I couldn’t love this movie anymore if I tried. Motherhood follows a New York mom with 2 kids through the day of her 5 (almost 6)-year-old daughter’s birthday party & shows how simultaneously stressful and blissful being a mother can be. At the end of the movie, Uma is talking to her daughter about getting a “real job” & going back to work. Her daughter says that she doesn’t want her to get a real job. Uma asks her why? Daddy has a real job. And the daughter says “Because Mommies do everything. Daddies only do some things.” And it’s true. Y’all freaking do everything. And at the end of the day, when you’re tired & discouraged & think “I am a big fat failure,” just know that a blogger from Texas thinks you’re pretty amazing & nothing short of a superhero. Chances are, your kids think that too. Maybe even your husband, although his opinion of you might improve if you made out with him for 15 minutes per day.
Filed under: Guest Blog
Love!!!
That video is awesome! It would have been more accurate if the weight either shot poo out of the diaper or spit up all over the place though. haha
I must check out this movie.
Oh, and where were you when I was pregnant offering to make me food and spoil me rotten? I feel ripped off now. Just make sure when you are knocked up your friends take good care of you too.
And it’s about time someone from the “outside” gets it. A+
An enjoyable read for a Saturday morning. My husband is hooked….especially after Jenny’s guest blog post.
“& eating birth control like candy.”
Best line in this entry. haha – these guest bloggers are the best, I get new blogs to stalk every day!
This made an overwhelmed new mom, 2 minutes from faking an urgent need to get out of the house and go to, I don’t know, maybe, Mexico feel a little bit better. And I don’t even know you. Thanks, Lauren.
Cute, funny, charming.
But, um, when will we hear from BLAIR!!!! again?
This is, after all, your blog, Blair.
I really like this post. Actually, I LOVE it. It was sort of the pat on the back I needed from a random stranger… made me feel good and encourages me to be an extra super-woman today. I def want to check out her blog!!!
I’ll be back tomorrow! Possibly even later today if we get out in the snow, but I have an EXCELLENT reason for needing guest blogging this week!
[...] I’m guest posting today at The Heir to Blair. [...]
Oooh. Way to keep us coming back. You’re a crafty one.
With bated breath,
B.
love it! and she is pretty. yet i don’t hate her, because she is sweet. this conflicts me greatly.
but seriously, great post! i twitter stalk now…::slams door::
Your pseudo nephew loved this post. He told me so- from his swing… Between snores. I almost spewed my tuna salad all over the computer screen when I read about Michael nuzzling your bosom.
What a great post! I love all this guest blogging! And I love snow! I love birth control, too! I’m way too lovey today!
I’m sorta kinda in love with Lauren from Texas.
I just spent the last hour on Lauren’s blog, and um, well…to be quite honest…I think I’m in love.
awwww, that was so nice! I think it made every mom that read this blog feel special
Oh, Lauren! I laughed so hard I nearly cried at that video! Try doing The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga (plank position) with a thirty pound weight on your back! …or downward dog with a smaller, cuter downward dog positioned right underneath you! It is priceless! Love your blog..always, and had not yet heard of Heir to Blair!
Damn you, Blair! Haven’t I told you I am trying to get a promotion at work? And you respond by finding even MORE great blogs for me to follow? And introduce me to this lady while I’m on an anti-Texas binge and allow her to FLATTER ME for being a mom? Argghhh…I would be done with you if your blog were not so addictive.
That video made me keel over and almost pee my pants! Funny AND informative, what more could you want?
Ah! Love this post. For some reason, it made me tear up. I guess it’s just nice to hear that this actually ISN’T easy and people DO appreciate the hard work moms put into life! Oh, and, Lauren is Hoooooot.
I just found your site and I’m hooked and thank you for introducing me to another new blog as well
PS I don’t think you are shallow for the love of pretty people. I love pretty people as well lol.
Best.Video.Ever. I must post this video on my Facebook. Gold stars to you Miss Texas!
Great Guest Blogger! I’m glad to know that the pretty girl blogger from Texas thinks us bloggin’ momma’s are pretty nifty! And I agree with her opinion of you Blair…you are pretty nifty yourself
Ok – that Lauren chickie is way too cute for her own good!
OMG! I laughed so hard I thought I was going to have my coffee come out my nose… OW! I’m about to delivery my second child ANY DAY and came across your blog. I love it! Just watched the baby weights video. SO HILARIOUS! Will keep following and definitely vote. I may have to start my own blog… thank for the motivation!
Holy Crap Blair! She’s on of my friends! I love Lauren! I just wanted to share