Ladies & gentlemen, please meet Lauren from Texas.

Isn’t she GORGEOUS?!?  I have a thing for pretty people.   No, really.  I’m as hetero as they come, but I absolutely love a pretty person.  It’s shallow, I know.  But trust me, 2 seconds into Lauren’s blog, you won’t be able to look away.  Because it’s just. so. pretty.  Like snowfall.  & twinkle lights.  & pink roses.  & a full glass of gin with a wedge of lime.

I “met” Lauren via Twitter & immediately fell in love.  She’s smart.  Funny.  & I love living that married-without-kids-life vicariously through her.  Like a breath of fresh air at the end of a long day.  & despite her protestations, I’d like her to reproduce, please.

________________________________________

Before I get started, I’d like to say: I’m not a mom. I’m not pregnant either. I feel the need to preface my post with this information lest y’all get angry about halfway through and be like BLAIR WHY DID YOU TRICK US THIS BROAD AIN’T EVEN KNOCKED UP.

Honesty is always the best policy. Unless your husband asks you what you think about Will Smith in I Am Legend. Then you should say “What an uggo!” and immediately change the subject. Not that I would know.

I get really emotional over babies. My friend Erin just had a baby & when I met him, I basically dissolved into a puddle of melted emotion. I am his “aunt” (obviously his mom & I are not blood sisters, but there are other ways to be related, like blackmail) & therefore have every right to squeeze, kiss, caress, & coo over this baby. Unlike random babies at the grocery store, with which I have no rights. I’m learning a lot about boundaries.

I have been known to cry when friends tell me they’re pregnant. In public places. And after that I’m all HOW DO YOU FEEL CAN I TOUCH YOUR STOMACH HERE LET ME FEED YOU PUT YOUR FEET UP YOU’RE PREGNANT.

I don’t know how to handle myself when it comes to pregnancy & babies!

Especially when I think about having one of my own. I babysat my friend’s nephew a couple of days last summer (he’s 1), & the first day I kept him, I fed him breakfast & put him down for his morning nap. Then I started working on my laptop & said to myself, “See! Having a baby is easy! You could totally do this & still keep your job & your normal life!” Then he woke up & started crying. And would not be consoled unless he was sitting on my lap. Oh, and I wasn’t allowed to look at the computer screen. Oh, and the toy he wanted wasn’t the one in my hand, it was the one across the room. Oh, then he threw pieces of peeled banana on the floor. By the time his mom got home at noon, I was all GET ME OUT OF HERE & eating birth control like candy.

I just don’t think I’m “ready.”

I do know, though, that when I am ready, I’ll be able to keep my rockin’ pre-baby bod using the techniques found in this very helpful video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keWCS942iFM]

I really admire Blair for all that she does. I mean, come on. She finds the time to make out with her husband for 15 minutes a day. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF STAMINA?! She works full-time, works out, has a hilarious blog, and all with Harrison in tow. I do the things she does WITHOUT an infant nuzzling my bosom (although I do have a husband for that) & I’m exhausted at the end of every day. Maybe once you become a mom it’s like your Rite of Passage, and you gain superhero powers? Like the ability to smell good without showering regularly? To cook dinner with your feet because your hands are currently preoccupied? I don’t know what crazy things moms do behind closed doors, but I do know that they are incredible. I hope that one day, when it’s my turn, I can step up to the plate & be a great mom too.

I watched Motherhood (the movie) the other night. OMG I LOVE UMA THURMAN. Kill Bill 2 is one of the greatest movies of all time. But I digress. In the movie, Uma plays a mommyblogger. Meaning I couldn’t love this movie anymore if I tried. Motherhood follows a New York mom with 2 kids through the day of her 5 (almost 6)-year-old daughter’s birthday party & shows how simultaneously stressful and blissful being a mother can be. At the end of the movie, Uma is talking to her daughter about getting a “real job” & going back to work. Her daughter says that she doesn’t want her to get a real job. Uma asks her why? Daddy has a real job. And the daughter says “Because Mommies do everything. Daddies only do some things.” And it’s true. Y’all freaking do everything. And at the end of the day, when you’re tired & discouraged & think “I am a big fat failure,” just know that a blogger from Texas thinks you’re pretty amazing & nothing short of a superhero. Chances are, your kids think that too. Maybe even your husband, although his opinion of you might improve if you made out with him for 15 minutes per day.