Internets, please meet one of my besties, Jenny from What the Blog?
Jenny & I met years ago on….oh, God. I’m about to admit that yet again, one of my closest friend’s is the result of an internet board. whatever. It’s 2010. & people meet their spouses online, so really, what’s the big deal about meeting girlfriends?
SO ANYWAY. Jenny & I chatted on a board for a year together before I decided to throw a grown-up girls-only slumber party at my house. The night of the party, she was one of the first guests to show up. Knocked on the door, I hollered “It’s open!” from the kitchen where my girlfriend Meredith & I were already chugging champagne, & in walked my destiny of the girl variety.
The amount of squealing to occur surely went past dog-hearing & straight onto hamster decibels. That night, I introduced her to gin & tonics. 5 lbs of Chex Mix was spilled on the deck. We fell on our rears. Jenny summoned some dinosaurs in my powder room. & then the dog locked us out of the house.
Do you need further proof of how awesome we are together? I think not.
So from me & Jenny, here’s our gift to the readers. Your reward for a long week of work, children, & the general rat race of life. Cheers!
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union between What the Blog? Jenny and The Heir to Blair … Blair. Let us bow our heads in prayer:
Dear Internet Gods, thank you for the wonderful opportunity of substitute bloggers that is making Blair’s life just a little bit easier today. Bless this time we share together. And PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT LET MY MOTHER STUMBLE UPON THIS BLOG.
Amen.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about blowjobs.
Once upon a time, I was an innocent girl of 17, a late bloomer who hadn’t so much as made out with a boy. Ten years ago, I started dating the boy who would become my husband, but back then, he was the boy I was great friends with and who had been recently dating my best friend.
Oh, yes. High school drama at its best, folks.
Don’t worry. I was a virtuous teen and waited to proclaim any feelings for him until he was free as a bird. In fact, the one who pushed us together is that same (former) best friend.
What came along with that drama was knowledge. She sucked (hee) at blowjobs, she almost always refused to perform, and he loved them (even from her – “Sex is like pizza. Even when it sucks, it’s still pretty fucking good.” – Rob, husband of Jenny). Part of their downfall was this conflict of interest.
I knew when we started dating that Rob was more than a fling. He was one of my closest friends, and I wanted a successful relationship with him. I did what any ambitious 17-year-old would do: I used the information available to me.
Oh, the precedents we set when we are driven insane by goals.
In my (weak) defense, I thoroughly loved fulfilling the role of Oral Goddess. I had quite the fixation back in the day, constantly nomming on Blow-Pops (heh), Tootsie Pops, Dum-Dums, pen caps, mechanical-pencil clips, bubble gum, straws – if it was slightly nommable, I nommed it. Slobbing his knob covered my oral fixation, plus it made him grin like a fool. Win-win, right?
I proudly strutted about in my Oral Goddess sash, openly discussing techniques with friends. I recall a floormate suggesting I teach a group of girls to reach Goddess status my freshman year of college, but I can’t honestly say if that class ever took place. Rob bragged about my skills (teenagers really are ridiculous, no?), and I nodded along, trotting out my party tricks (deep-throating phallic foods – “Look, ma! No gag reflex!” and shoving my entire fist in my mouth – “Look, ma! My big mouth does more than sass back!”).
We’d established a nice little schedule – we’d have Team Funsies during the white pills, then, when the pack switched to that lone row of green pills, it was time for Treat Week. I had no interest in anything coming near the crime scene of my bits and pieces, and Rob had all the interest in the world of my mouth meeting his mister.
A year before we got married, a wrench was thrown into the perfectly working cogs of our sexual routine. My body started to rebel on me, first by a splitting, tear-causing headache that lasted day after day, then a feeling like my face was falling apart.
Temperomandibular joint disorder.
The gum I so loved? Banned. The bagels I so loved? Banned. I didn’t have the guts to ask my dentist about blowjobs, but I’m quite sure “keeping one’s mouth held wiiiiiiiide open and engaged in salacious activities” was also on the banned list. I was put on a soft-foods diet, given head and neck exercises and sent home with muscle relaxers.
And I had to break the news to Rob.
The man doesn’t cry … EVER … but I’m pretty sure he was near tears that day. Sure, he was concerned for my health and wellbeing, but you and I both know he was also mentally humming a funeral dirge for his days of frequent and free blowjobs.
At first, it was sad. We both felt plucked from what had become a normal part of our lives. I felt guilty for taking one of his favorite activities (no matter how passive his involvement is) away because of my busted jaw. He felt guilty for being sad when I was the one in pain.
As you can guess, it didn’t take long for me to start enjoying my Oral Goddess retirement. It was carefree and relaxing, kind of how it feels to plop down into an overstuffed chair on display at the mall while hustling and bustling around during the Christmas season. You’re go go going and don’t even realize how sore your feet are, how tired your legs are, until you sit for a minute while your shopping buddy takes a pee break.
Then you don’t want to get back up.
I can totally see how you bait-and-switchers bask in the glow of your retirement. It. Was. Lovely.
Rob broached the subject of my return to the sport when he noticed I had long-since given up my diet of soft food and muscle relaxers. “Can you maybe try? For me? You can stop if it hurts,” he said.
So, try I did. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but it wasn’t terribly painful. Then, when I finished, the look of happiness and contentment on his face was the best painkiller in the world.
I probably could have hung up my Oral Goddess sash for life – I certainly have the right diagnosis for it – but giving a blowjob to my impossible-to-shop-for husband is more gratifying than giving him birthday or Christmas gifts. It’s free, and it takes approximately 15 minutes to purchase, wrap and deliver the gift. It’s something I can give him that no one else can (well … let’s not go There), and it’s also something many of his friends don’t have and desperately want. Retirement was nice, but it wasn’t mutually gratifying. In this marriage game, the happiness of two is greater than that of one.
I may have jumped into blowjob-land with odd intentions, but my seemingly immature moves back in the day have been provided a valuable give-and-take in our relationship.
I’m sure my personal dick-sucking history was thrilling to read on its, but it’d be wrong of me to wave my veteran Oral Goddess sash in your face without some parting words of wisdom:
1. Manscaping is good. It’s sexy. It won’t make him seem feminine. It will keep you from having to floss mid-blowjob.
2. Find a comfortable position and stay there. Sure, fancy moves and locations are fun sometimes, but what he wants for the average blowjob is a big finish in a timely manner.
3. Use textures and temperatures to your advantage. Drink an ice-cold or steaming beverage before (and take sips during); find some fun lipgloss or lube; suck on an Altoid; use your teeth; don’t use your teeth; use your hands; don’t use your hands. Be adventurous and take notes. If something doesn’t work after five seconds, ditch and switch.
4. Ask him what he likes, even if it’s during the act. Knowledge is power.
5. If you’re a neatfreak, hop in the shower together and let the steam and soap get you both in the mood. Use your hands to wash the area in question first (foreplay!), then move in for the kill either still in the shower (easy cleanup), or while he’s toweling off.
6. Don’t be afraid of the big finish. Sure, semen is no Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, but I’ve had worse-tasting things in my mouth (like celery! ick!). Either let it pool under your tongue to be spat out once his ride on the love coaster is over, or swallow it as fast as you can. It only lasts for a few seconds, and the comfort you sacrifice in those mere seconds is worth it.
For the record, I used to swallow. He told me after a few years that it didn’t matter what I did. Now, I spit. And rinse with Listerine.
p.s. Blair, I apologize for any creepers who descend upon your blog via sketchy Googling. I do not apologize for any judgment you receive for publishing my naughty and vulgar shenanigans.
Happy Friday, Ladies and Gentlemen! Wowsers!
For the record, I swallow. To me, it seems worse/grosser to hold it in your mouth, fumble to the bathroom and then spit it out. If you swallow, it's gone in no time, it doesn't hurt you, and no awkward trip to the spittoon.
That's why you spit into a tissue. They aren't just for a guy's use during solo activities.
Lovely story. Will I ever be able to look you in the eye again?
Well this is a familiar tale. TMJ – the ruination of many Oral Fixators. I feel your pain in more ways than one. I don't even attempt it any more. What with the wacky popping sound my knees are making these days, I can only imagine my jaw is in an even more decrepit position.
I am certain this is my favorite entry to date. Good choice Blair! Awesomeness…sheer awesomeness.
This is one of the first things I read this morning, (even before my CNN) yikes! My eggs didn't taste the same while I read about semen but thats's okay. I am a bait and switcher unfortunetly for my husband and he now finds it entertaining to count how many he gets in a year 4 last year, yes 4 ( one on a very drunk New Years) I feel bad for the guy and maybe I should start being a little more "slut" along with my Martha Stewart behavior the rest of the time!
Ha..funny. Love your blog..even though you are a UNC Fan ugh. I went to NCSU.
First of all… Go Heels!
(even this year but don't get me started.) Second of all… thanks for the tips. I'm sure Husband will much appreciate your encouragement of certain extracurricular activities!
Oh how I love you!
Holy Shit.
I love you Jenny. Just promise me you don't take any project365 photos on this subject., mmmkay?
My hubs reads your blog Blair, and well thanks to Jen I can't hide from the bj's anymore. Awesome way to start my weekend. Well written Jen!
Before I begin, I must say:
Hail to the Victors, Valient
Hail to the Conq'ring heros
HAIL HAIL…ok you know the rest
Lovely and hilarious! I will not let my husband stumble here, as I have him convinced that "no guy on this earth gets regular bjs, so you take what you can get and you be thankful for it!" That said, I have TMJ too, and it just hurts. But, when it's good, it's good. And I swallow, because it takes more work to spit and that's when the gag reflex kicks in lol!
Also, I love the pictures.HOTTIES!!!!! <3
i used to swallow like a thirsty man drinking in the desert- until i realized that spitting it out onto his man parts is far more hilarious & satisfying.
and for the record- the hubs gets bj's on a regular basis because in the words of T.I, i give "brain so good coulda sworn you went to college"
for realz.
coffee. on. screen.
Before I fall over dead, I must concur. Been there, done that, was told it feels good, laughed and said, "Better you than me, sweetie!"
::falls over dead::
Oh, and Isha? That garbage is only welcome if it's part of a tip that includes which songs are best for hummers.
HA! Hilarious post! And I think Muscles would vouch there is none better
hahahaha
Holy hell I laughed until I cried. Thanks for the morning pick-me-up. I scared my happily entertained daughter when I cracked up at the "bait and switcher" comment. She looked at me like I had two heads, but oh well. Too funny.
I could have been using my TMJ to get out of bj's all these years? Eff.
This was my first thought as well.
Brilliant! Loves it!
O.M.G…loved it!
Favorite part: “Sex is like pizza. Even when it sucks, it’s still pretty fucking good.”
I love this post. personally, I can't get back in the groove but I want to! I had a brief stint of loving it back when I was pg but afterwards… not so much. must revisit. thanks!!!
Two of my most favorite women in the world in the same place…I think I hear a choir of angels!
Unfortunately, my husband reads Blair's blog so this will not fair well for me.
I forgive you Jenny!!
Great post! Very funny and informative! Love you both!!!
Hilarious. Like- freaking AWESOME. I love it.
My Sexual Health Education teacher in college said that the longer semen is in your mouth, the higher risk of crntracting STDs, so she made us all write and repeat "SPIT OR SWALLOW- DON'T WALLOW!"
Even though I'm married now and not worried about contracting viruses, it still plays in my head everytime I give a BJ.
::dead again::
LMAO!!!!
I was going to comment at the bottom for a sepparate post, but I couldn't pass this up! After an amazing week of guest blogging this post if fricken was perfect for Friday and phenominal!!!! Jenny it amazing how expessed that, if my husband had asked like that before he would get it all the fricken time! haha I'm sure he thanks you. And this comment just kills me!
OH MY GOD.
OMG, best way to start a Friday eva! This was way too funny.
haha – Best.Post.Ever. Thanks for the tips at the end – DH is sad because while we're TTC BJ's are off the table. I think he's secretly thrilled when AF shows up after another busted cycle.
Note to self: Must not read Blair's Blog over my lunch break. Ever. I should have learned this already, no?
This was fucking awesome. I, too, have TMJ, so I literally feel your pain. Nothing says "I love you, baby," like your jaw clicking audibly while you give your husband head. It is truly an act of selflessness, now, considering my jaw hurts for the rest of the day after a rousing blow job.
I swallowed like a champ for a long time, but then I realized… this shit tastes horrible, and I've got him bound to me for life at this point, so I started spitting it in the sink.
Oh. My. Gosh. This is awesome! Thanks for the mid-day laugh! I have yet to be a bait and switcher, b/c sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything else and this is a great way to make him happy
For the record…I'm a swallower b/c it grosses me out to think about keeping it my mouth for long, so I get rid of it the fastest way possible
best blog post ever. Freaking awesome!
Just when I thought Blair's guest posters couldn't be topped… Excellent!! And inspiring. I fear that my fiance thinks I'm a bit of a bait-and-switcher, but maybe I'll give him a nice surprise this weekend!
I feel your pain with the TMJ though. I don't have it too bad, luckily – I just get bad bouts of it when I'm extremely stressed out, but it's thankfully not something that consistently plagues me.
But how about getting it in your eye? Man, that burns!!!
Huh. I had no idea that bj's were considered something men should be glad to get. The hubby gets them frequently and it never occurred to me that other men didn't get it as often as he did. Hmmm, is it bad that my manipulation wheels are turning? :-/
Thank you for the tips at the end! I'll be trying that hot/cold thing…
A perfect post for Friday. I called my husband at work and read parts of this to him. Needless to say, he wants to read the whole post when he gets home from work.
Wow. A whole post on bjs.
Was it the context clues that gave it away?
My husband is a Duke fan, but apparently now he's a Jenny fan. He's been suggesting this alternative to my pregnancy "pelvic rest" for weeks.
I used to LOVE knob slobbing, until I met my husband. Hours later I could still be at it with a hole IN MY FACE. I have TMJ as well, but after reading about your dedication I'm thinking I might need to give it another try.
Excellent. Manscaping is a must. Otherwise my gag reflex is terrible and it doesn't help that I CANNOT stand body hair. Ugh. My TMJ kills though I have realized that if I am laying down it's not so bad. And if I have had a nice glass of wine before I am a little more relaxed and not focused on HOLY HELL THIS IS SORE.
Umm- I have nothing to say about the blog but I must know- the blue shirt Jenny is wearing in the big photo: "Krzyzewski an't K…." SO? Krzyzewski aint' what?!?!?!? Because my maiden name is KRZYZEK and I just get overly excited when I see something similar!
Actually, that's me in the anti-Duke paraphernalia!
But it says Krzyzewski ain't Krzyzt.
I had a feel is was Duke related! On the blog- I love the Tips at the end! No one wants to take these things too seriously so it's great when someone puts it all out there!
Loved this. And this might just be Hubb's fave "sport" also. You MIGHT have some competition for best BJ giver… I've been known to make eyes roll back into heads. Just sayin
Long time reader, but I had to de-lurk for this one. Hilarious! I actually remember Jenny from the May 07 board on theknot (Mrs.Walk07) and I think I even remember you telling us about your TMJ… but I don't seem to recall you sharing this story then.
I'm going to go out on a limb and hope that I'm not the only reader who hates giving BJs. And I don't. Mostly because in our five years together, my H has NEVER finished via BJ. So I stopped putting in the work when, after 30 minutes, I had a jaw that ached so bad I wanted to cry and he was nowhere near the finish line.
Anyway, I'm glad there are women out there who enjoy BJs, and that y'all's men are satisfied that way.
::really hopes she isn't alone::
I hate them. Hubs has to have JUST gotten out of the shower to get one. He got one or two on the honeymoon (I'm one of those "weird" girls who waits til marriage to roll in the hay), and then didn't get aaaaaaaaaanymore until I was so heavily pregnant it wasn't funny. Then he got like 3 in a week. I STILL don't know how I didn't puke on him.
Good tip about the shower thing though. That might work better for me, I could clean it and KNOW its clean, haha!
And I feel you on the TMJ. Ugh, the migraines that happen the next day are soooooooo not pleasant.
wow what a interesting post , its really
this post was awesome and hilarious and just all things great