I won’t say that I reached a breaking point yesterday – but I was teetering on it. In stilettos.
Do you know what it’s like when your child wakes up screaming at 6:30am? & by 11am, you’re shaking. SHAKING. Because as over-stimulated as your child feels, you’ve had high-pitched shrieking invading your every thought for almost five hours. For the seventh day in a row. At night, you close your eyes & you still hear crying. You wake up three times every night, swearing you heard screaming & wondering if motherhood will give you post traumatic stress disorder. & you sit down & cry, looking at your child & irrationally asking him why he hates you. Wondering if he’d be better with another mother. Wondering if what you wanted for so long was the biggest mistake you ever made.
Yeah. That’s an emotional breaking point.
It was time to call the pediatrician again. Actually, it was past time but I just kept thinking this will pass. It’s just a growth spurt, colic, whatever. He’s almost 12 weeks old. 12 weeks is supposed to be the magic age, right? Maybe I’m simply over-reacting in my perception. But it kept getting worse. Nate wanted to attend the pediatrician with me but couldn’t yesterday – I was hoping to hold off until Tuesday to take Harrison in so both of us could be in attendance, but yesterday, I broke. I called the pediatrician.
Then hung up. Because I thought, “No, Nate needs to be there. Hang in there one more day.” A minute later, I picked up the phone & dialed again. & hung up.
I did this four times. Afraid to go in by myself. Afraid to not go in.
I finally picked up the phone, forced myself to make the earliest appointment they had, & packed up to leave. Harrison stayed in jammies. I stayed in yoga pants & a sweatshirt (I did, however, remember to brush my teeth when I ran upstairs to get him a blanket). At the pediatrician, a lady smiled at Harrison in his pajamas & said, “It’s so funny how you can tell the first-time mothers with their babies in sweet outfits; but us ‘old pros’ just throw the kid in the car with sleepers. Is this your second?” I laughed hysterically. ”No, he’s my first.” I explained. ”It’s just not worth the screaming to dress him.” I looked down at her baby, the same age as Harrison, who was smiling happily. Cooing, batting at car seat toys, giggling up at his mother. The baby to my right was also grinning up at her mother. & Ol’ Stormy sat in his car seat in (thankfully) quiet fury, glaring at anyone who peered into his car seat & threatening to open his lungs at any moment. I wanted to cry for him. I wanted to cry for me. These women with their happy, content, interactive babies. & me, with a child I cannot console.
I’ll spare you the boring details of the visit, which including lots of talking, a full check into Harrison, & watching videos of the screaming. Basically, Harrison’s reflux is far worse than we even imagined at the 2-month visit. We kept thinking this is something he’d “outgrow” as most babies do, not get worse. But if anything, we’re learning that Harrison is far from the “typical” baby. His reflux is now requiring Prevacid, plus a more expensive hypoallergenic soy since he is intolerant to both dairy & soy. Due to the reflux constantly burning, we’re to now spoon-feed him rice cereal twice per day prior to a bottle. (that is a mighty adventure with many pictures to come, mostly of Nate & I covered in goop)
The other side to this coin is that Harrison is simply a high-sensitivity baby. & apparently, it’s not uncommon in blonde-haired, blue-eyed folks to have more allergies , intolerance, & higher sensitivity (to temperature, noise, smell, taste, moods, light, etc).
Makes you wonder what Hitler was thinking, no?
Part of that does include my anxiety, but Dr. Hottie was quick to ensure me that my anxiety is not the cause of Harrison’s “behavior.” (neither is a lack of breastfeeding, douchebag. he’d have the allergy & reflux regardless. except i’d be sans-cheese in my diet & we’d still be shelling out $60/mo for meds) It’s the opposite, but with his sensitivity to my mood, we’re creating a vicious cycle for one another. In an odd way, I’m looking forward to returning to work & Harrison staying with The Momma (for a few weeks prior to daycare) to “break the cycle.” It’s not hard to figure out why he’s constantly screaming – a fire burning up his throat with no relief, a tummy that doesn’t agree with anything, & the constant over-stimulation provided by simply existing.
We’re almost 24 hours into the Nutrimagen formula, with our first dose of Prevacid under our belts. Obviously, things are not perfect – that is going to take time. But he did calm down enough today to play with Sophie & his Momma for 10 minutes:
& for now, that gives me enough hope & confidence to keep truckin’ through this final week of maternity leave.
Hi – I've been reading a long time – since early pregnancy. i haven't been a good commenter. and now i'm an email subscriber. I finally had to say my piece. I get it. My son just turned 1 and he was an awful awful baby. I was on the phone with the DR every other day. with Grayson being put on prilosec and nutramigen. he cried so much. days where if he was awake – he was crying. I would sing him "bad baby" songs and cry a lot. I told myself everyday – we are one day closer to him outgrowing this. he did get better. He was able to go back to a gentle formula and off the prilosec around 4.5 months. and it was better. life was better. i was better. anyway – this is a long comment – but it gets better.
so sorry to hear your frustrations. But hang in there! Soon you will look back on this and say it was TOTALLY worth it!
Blair, thank you thank you for sharing this. I serious feel like sometimes I am completely alone with this messy crying crap, lack of sleep, and looking forward to Wednesday when I head back to work. Hopefully things will get better for the both of us
I have so been in your shoes. We were switched to Alimentum at the 8 week mark and about 2 weeks later I had a different child. We were told she had "colic" and was overly sensitive too. So we played a lot of low music with the tv off and would keep all the lights very dim, especially in the evenings which seemed to be her worst time. Best of luck, hopefully this switch will be the answer!
Poor baby… poor mommy. It does get better, but I know right now it's hell. Just know that everything you are feeling, your anxiety, you're not alone. This too shall pass.
You can do this Blair! You are such an amazing mama who obviously loves her baby SO, SO much. Harrison is blessed to have you. Colic & Reflux were sent here from Satan to punish us, I am convinced. Stay strong! You can do this. I hope he feels better soon!!
If you get a chance, call Enfamil and get on there list for rebate coupons for the Nutramigen formula. I called when we first tired it to see if it would help my son. They sent a $25 rebate slip on the purchase of two cans. I am not sure how often they send them as it didn't helps us, but that stuff is expensive so those rebate slips are great to get!
Good luck and hopefully this cycle breaks for you soon!
I could have written this post! DD has reflux too and is on Prevacid AND Zantac twice a day. It helps, but she still has good days and bad days. We have her on Isomil formula but are considering switching to Almentium to see if it will help. I keep hearing that she will "grow out of it", but DD will be 6 months old tomorrow and I'm still waiting for that to happen.
Why no one mentions the horror of reflux is beyond me. Hang in there! Also, if Harrison won't take the rice cereal from a spoon, our pedi told us that we can add about a tablespoon per ounce of formula to her bottle. We've done that and it has seemed to help.
Boy, have I been there. The feeling of your skin crawling and on fire from the constant noise. Hands shaking as you struggle to get the stupid, tiny iPod earphones into your ears because you have to make the noise stop.
I recently called the pedi with DD3. I also did the hang up multiple times because, hello, this is baby #3 for me. I shouldn't be calling the pedi for a crying baby! But, I did.
She has the worst reflux of the 3 (but throws up the least….which I guess makes it more painful….who knew?). Pepcid and Prevacid combined, along with Alimentum.
Thankfully, my insurance covers the Alimentum. I had to fight for the Pepcid though. They're covering it now, but tried to tell me I had to use their "covered alternatives" since the Pepcid solution is off formulary. All of the alternatives were capsules, which obviously doesn't work with babies. Once I got that through someone's thick skull, they covered it.
She can still make some noise (it sounds like a squealing pig….3 kids and I've never, ever heard a noise like this in my life), but she's sleeping better at night and spends less of her days making the pig squeal.
The Alimentum claims relief in 24hrs…..I hope you see results that soon!
Good luck!
You just have to tell yourself this too shall pass. My daughter went through a similar episode around her two month mark. After she would eat she would scream bloody murder until she would make a giant burp accompanied by projectile spit up. We have her on Axid now and it works miracles. She still spits up a ton, but at least its not burning her little esophagus anymore. Now you know how to make it better!
Blair,
Hoping a few more days of the new regimen will do the trick. But I wanted to let you know that if you call Enfamil, they have a packet of info they can send you that can help you with getting Nutramigen covered by your insurance company. Some insurances will cover special formula if they are required by your Pedi. But, if they don't, it's worth a try getting the info from Enfamil to find out other steps to take to get the coverage since Nutramigen is nearly twice the cost of regular formulas. I'm not implying you can't afford it…but hey…any little bit helps right? Hoping H is feeling better today!
-S
you are one strong mommy, blair. my 2 month old has nasty reflux, and i'm lucky he is not big on screaming on a regular daily basis (he does almost always awaken shrieking because he can't handle being on his back during an episode). we had to get a gi tract x-ray done on him today, and he had to drink barium. as the white chalky crap was pouring out of his mouth, i thought he looked something out of a horror movie, and it broke my heart. ugh, i hate reflux. i really hope harrison improves with the new formula and the cereal. you deserve more moments with him like the pictures you shared, and i'm hoping they are soon.
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I hope it will get better SOON !!
Oh Blaire! I have been having a horrible day at work to the point where I was blinking back tears of frustration and anger. I wanted to storm out of my office and tell them I was taking a vacation. I needed a distraction so I came to your blog and as usual – your post got me to laugh which eased up the tension in my shoulders and eased my own urge to scream like Harrison.
I hope those meds work for him and he feels better soon.
Fellow reflux Mommy back again! Your post breaks my heart because I KNOW you are not being hyperbolic. I KNOW that the other mom in the waiting room has no idea what you're experiencing. I KNOW that the docs can't fix this fast enough.
Prevacid marked a HUGE improvement for us. Drew also seemed to improve his coping skills around week 14-15, which is just RIGHT around the corner for you.
A few other things to try if you haven't already:
1. Reflux.org forums for babies/kids. These women are soooo supportive.
2. The Tucker sling. http://www.tuckersling.com/.
3. Belly sleeping in the tucker sling.
4. During the BAD crying fits, a teaspoon of Mylanta, no more than twice a day. The soothing only lasts about 20-30 minutes, but sometimes that's all you need to get him asleep.
Also, I seriously researched whether day cares can kick out your child for being too fussy. Turns out that they just don't do that, which is good because I would have had to quit my job.
I hope that the new meds and formula help to calm his issues down. Did the DR mention putting a bit of cereal in his bottle with the formula? It may be easier than spoon feeding all of it at this point… You can get the variable flow nipples with avent and the cereal slides right through.. Might want to look into that. As much as you want to be with baby, I'm sure going back to work will give you a much needed mental break during the day!!
blair, you amaze me. it sounds like you are making your way through this mess as best you can and I am impressed. i'm pretty sure i'd be a mess by now but you still seem to have things pretty pulled together and some reason about you!
Ok…my son is 17.5 yrs old but reading your post brought me back to that awful time. I'm not sure what was wrong with my brown haired/blue eyed baby but he was sooooo hard to handle.
I remember my mother saying…just hang in there until he 3 months old. I remember thinking …THREE MONTHS! But we're only on week ONE! *insert scream here*
But once he started sleeping through the night it got easier….my MIL once said, you can do anything with a good night's sleep. That is true.
So…what I wish for you is 100 good nights of sleep.
Best wishes (and he is a sweetie)
Our pedi had us add the rice cereal into the bottles. And of course, get bigger bottle nipples so the thickened up milk could come out. It worked great and might be easier than spoon feeding it.
I remember sitting in a rocking chair with my daughter at about 11 or 12 weeks and bawling my eyes out while screaming at my husband that I simply could NOT do this anymore. The crying, the screaming, the constant hope that the gripe water or the happy tummi or the vibrating seat or the….(well you get the picture) would work and my awful awful child would shut the hell up for FIVE minutes. Thats all I wanted, five minutes. We eventually did the formula switch and the prevacid too and it did help a little. Eventually I think she just got too tired to scream anymore and gave it up at about 15 weeks. Thank GOD. She is two now and still on the prevacid and we still have reflux but life is soooooo much more manageable. At the risk of sounding like a broken record that you have probably heard 5000 times…it really does get easier. Hang in there. He is the cutest kid EVER!
I wanted to say thank you for the laugh. I laughed out loud when you refered to Harrison as Ol' Stormy. Too funny! My son Jack, our third, sounds very similar to Harrison. For the first 12 weeks I was stuck at home because if we were out and he got upset, nothing would calm him down. Hang in there!
I know for certain you're doing all you can to care for H, so I'm wondering if you're doing the same for yourself? Are you doing/taking anything to help you survive this?
Hi Blair, I'm a fairly new reader, but I love your blog. I have a 4 month old daughter and can relate to a lot of what you're going through. We haven't dealt with the reflux, but my heart goes out to you. I laughed so hard I choked at your description of Harrison in the waiting room though. I agree with the previous poster that you should take a little time for yourself if you can. You're doing a fantastic job!
Oh I'm so sorry to hear you go thru this!
My daughter has been on Zantac & Similac Alimentum since she was 4 weeks old. The two combined worked wonders for my daughter. While Alimentum or Nutramigen are the most expensive formulas on the shelf, I would pay $100 for it b/c it's that great!
I wish you, DH and little Harrison luck! I believe you will see a difference w/the formula.
Thanks for being so honest Blair! I felt the same way when my baby went through colic/reflux/whatever for four months! You are totally right about the breastfeeding – it has absolutely nothing to do with it. My little guy was breastfed and it did not make a lick of difference. The meds are the only thing, still now at six months, that keeps the crying at bay. Thank God for modern medicine!! You are also right about wishing to go back to work some days and wondering what in the hell you created. That takes guts to admit, but it's true.
I've heard wonderful things about Nutramigen. Fingers crossed it works for you too! You all need a break!!
Hang in there! Feel free to borrow my theme song: Every little thing is gonna be alright… (and if that makes you feel like throwing your shoe at the screen because its far too perky feel free. I'm just ending my first trimester and NOT throwing up for the first time in a while so I might have an extra bit of perky in me today.)
Blair, this sounds just like my niece who also is a blonde hair/blue eye child. When she was an infant she was diagnosed with reflux and milk/dairy allergies. According to my SIL she too was a screamer until they finally put her on Nutramigan and prevacid around 3 months. After switching formulas and taking the antacid she was no longer a screamer and my SIL said she was a completely different baby (for the better). I hope this is the fix for Harrison because it definitely worked for my niece.
I know the formula is expensive but my SIL contacted the company and they would send her a lot of coupons which helped with the cost.
Also, she ended up being allergic to dairy and eggs, but just recently (she is now two) found out she is no longer allergic to dairy. So if down the road Harrison still has his allergies, it's common and he can grow out of them. Good luck!
I am sure someone has mentioned carafate, but on the off chance no one has I thought I'd throw it out there. When my LO was really suffering, carafate is the only thing that helped his pain. I bet the new formula will make a big difference.
Deep heartfelt sympathies from the mother of 2 of the most difficult, allergy ridden, malcontent, colicky babies in the free world. And neither of mine are blonde hair, blue eyed little devils either so the joke's on me.
Just to further reinforce the fact that not breastfeeding has nothing to do with Harrison's issues, cuz there will be a douchebag who says it's so- there always is…I breastfed both my kids. My daughter ended up on Nutramigen and Prevacid when she was 4 months old. My son nursed for 20 months because he became a boob addict and refused any and all fake nipples. 20 months of screaming, refluxing, gassy, lactose intolerance and post partum depression. Good times. I forgot what good food tasted like, he couldn't tolerate any dairy, soy, spices….basically he couldn't tolerate anything that I enjoyed eating. Harrison would still have these issues even if you did breastfeed but you'd be even more miserable eating your plain unflavored oatmeal made with water instead of milk while popping some Prozac so you didn't try to drown yourself in the shower. Been there.
It will pass. I promise.
Blair, I am you, but 6 months ago. I really thought I was losing my mind. If you need to commiserate I`m Jackswife123 on the bump. FWIW, my screaming, shrieking, baby is now a 11 hour a night sleeping, 3.5 hour a day napping angel. Karma. It`ll be your turn soon. Also…you can get PTSD from pregnancy, birth and being a mom, seriously…
I could have written this post last year! I always looked around at all the other nice babies Jakes age and wondered why I had the only screaming monster. I felt so guilty for thinking I made a mistake by having him and that he must have hated me. Reflux, allergies (we did Neocate), colic and sleep deprivation will make you breakdown and that's ok. Like I said before he is such a happy fun loving baby now that you'd never know he was Satan's spawn only last year
We have dealt with a super high needs babe with reflux too. Sucks big time. But it does get better!! Have you tried babywearing? Things got much much much better for us when I started wearing her during the day. I wear her still for about 3 hours a day and during most naps. I love the Maya Wrap. Its easy to wear and the hubs can wear it too. The longer I wear her during the day, the better she sleeps at night.
Good luck!!
Blaire…I came across your blog through other blogs I read. I have a two year old son and twin 5 month old daughters (who are actually really almost 3 months old due to being 11 weeks early). Our one daughter, Lilah…has reflux and colic. Not as serious as your son…but enough to have been miserable for a very good part of her small life till recently. She is on reflux meds also and we switched her about a month ago to Nutramagin and it has done wonders for her! I mean, night and day! It kicked in about 2-3 days after starting it, so give it time…she spits up more now with it though, mostly watery (and boy, does it stink! Smells like rotten meat to me)…but that is manageable if she is happy! Good luck with everything! And remember, your son does not hate you as much as it feels like it at times! It's hard to hear this but this is was my doc told me "It's a season of life, and she (he in your case) will pass it, although it looks like a long, cold winter for you, you will see the sun eventually!" I almost killed him, but he was right!
Oh Blair, I don't even know what to say. Maybe I will just say this. I'm sure you've seen those posters with a kitten hanging from a branch by one measly little paw? Well, if I had one of those I would send it to you. Not to patronize you but to hopefully provide you with a chuckle during this rough time.
It's got to be torture not to be able to console your own child. But it's not your fault. Your child DOES NOT hate you. He LOVES you so very much! This has nothing to do with how good of a mother you are. I am already convinced you are an excellent mama.
blair –
it is so true that it is not your fault and your child does not hate you. I know I was an adult with severe reflux but I would never had made it without my parents and today when I still have episodes, my loving husband. It may not appear that I love anything or anyone when I had the severe reflux but I loved my parents and friends who were there and gave me love and support when I was at my worst. Your baby boy loves you and knows that you are there for him.
I wish I had some advice for you but I've never dealt with reflux. I can't even imagine how hard that must be to deal with it! Hopefully the new meds with clear this all up soon, so Harrison will be a normal & happy baby and you get to enjoy him so much more
Hey Blair,
I have been reading your blogs since the beginning and I have followed you through your marriage, TTC, Harpie and Harrison.
I just wanted to say that you seem like a fantastic mother and you need to give yourself more credit.
You are doing the hardest job in the whole wide world right now…and you are doing great!
I am not a mother, yet so I can't say that I've been there.
Yet I know what it feels like to have anxiety and pressure.
I talked to my doc last year and I reluctantly tried meds and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Meds aren't for everyone all the time, but I know some mothers that got through it with meds for 3-6 months.
As wives, mothers and employees we can't do it all and we're not super woman (it took me a long time to figure that out)!
Anyway, hang in there and if gets tough there are always options.
Loyal reader and internet friend.
I hope the formula switch and meds work for Harrison and give you and your family some better days ahead. I do not have children but I had severe GERD and had to have surgery to correct my problem. I know what severe reflux feels like and I feel so bad for anyone that experiences it, especially infants and young children since they cannot tell you exactly what hurts.
Ten years ago at age 22, it was found that I did not have a functioning LES, the valve between the esophagus and stomach. It was sitting wide open allowing the acid and food to reflux in my throat 24 hours a day. I suffered for 1.5 years before I received my diagnosis and possible solutions. The problem I had can be corrected by surgery, so I went with that as my prilosec (best choice in 98) was at double the rec dose and wasn't working. I can completely understand the frustration with things not working and what it feels like to live with reflux.
I truly hope the new formula and drugs work and work quickly. Best Wishes.
Just wanted to tell ya my baby was given a prescription for reflux. Fun.
I can't believe that it's already your final week of Maternity Leave…it doesn't seem like that much time has passed by! It's so amazing how quickly time flies! Thinking of you guys and hoping that everything continues to get better!
I'm so sorry, Blair. I also wanted to choke the people who kept telling me that by the end of the 3rd month he'll be a "brand new baby!!!" It wasn't until Josh started eating a lot of solids (cereal & veggies & fruit) on a regular basis before it settled down. But now he's 6 months old and completely off the Zantac and Prevacid. He's still on the soy formula but I'll take it.
Anyway, the point of this long ass comment is to let you know that you are not alone and it will, eventually, get better. Please take some time for yourself as well. OH, and Dr. Browns makes 3 different sized nipples and a Y-cut nipple if you decide to put cereal in his bottle.
I feel your pain, because my daughter (now 17 months) was the exact same way for the better part of six months. We too ended up on a hypoallergenic formula (Alimentum for us) as well as Axid to manage the reflux. I know the agony of your situation, and I give you so much credit for finding the time/energy/desire to continue writing on this blog while in the midst of your current situation. I feel certain that I stayed in my pjs and did very little for my entire 12 week maternity leave, as I was just completely overwhelmed by the constant screaming and found it easier to hold my daughter all day and night than to listen to her cry.
Anyway, I did want to offer one suggestion…if you decide to start giving Harrison rice cereal, see if you can find one that is dairy and soy free. I always used Beechnut but I'm sure there are other brands available. If he is intolerant to the regular/soy formulas and is requiring the hypoallergenic formula, you won't want to give him a cereal that contains dairy or soy for now either. (Sorry if this is something you already know, but I didn't realize how many brands of cereal contain dairy and soy ingredients until I was starting solids with my daughter and did a little Internet reseach).
Good luck with your babe…I know it's tough.
Blair:
This sounds like the story of my life with my first LO (Who is now almost seven). He was on reflux meds for the first six months and Nutrimagen for the entire first year. It is VERY expensive and very exhausting BUT, once we found that combination – things did get better. However, he wasn't ever able to go to gentle formula. But, he took to milk fine after his first year – so there is hope.
I was in the exact same boat – thinking it was me and that the two of us just weren't meant for each other. There were days when someone would come "relieve" me and I would get in my car and drive around for one hour with no music or anything just to sit in silence. Perhaps someone can "relieve" you? Can you go to the gym? Walk around a mall? Time away and to yourself is important when you're dealing with this.
On top of it all – my SO was in Iraq and had yet to meet his son. Trust me, I've been there. For anyone who hasn't it is a lot worse than what you are reading here when you experience it.
Hang in there – it does get better. I think you've found the right combination.
Love your Blog! I've just started mine – check it out if you get a chance – it's a work in progress. http://babymakesfour-tsands.blogspot.com/
I have LIVED the life you're living right now and I will tell you that it DOES get better.
Joshua had reflux that required Zegerid (a fun, minty powder that had to be mixed that he would spit out twice a day), Mylanta, AND ZANTAC. AND he had a milk allergy. AND I breastfed him, so I couldn't console myself with ice cream.
However, we started sort of combination feeding with Nutramigen and he became a different child.
It is likely that Harrison will outgrow the dairy allergy/sensitivity, but if you have any questions or just need to talk it out, from one mom of a highly-sensitive baby to another, you know where to find me.
I was on Nutrimagen as a baby… although not as bad as Harrison sounds… my mom says it worked WONDERS! And just to reassure you – I'm 33 and can now even tolerate low doses of dairy (some where around 18). I did grow up not allowed to eat ice cream… major bummer at birthday parties, but didn't scare me too much
I really hope for you guys that things start to settle down. Try to make yourself enjoy going back to work. It's not easy… but I'm glad to be back and get some of myself back (to be honest with you).
BTW – he's a doll. totally gorgeous.
I just realized Corbin was born on the same day as your son =)
Just wanted to say Hi. First time I've visited your blog. Very cute. Also wanted to say "hang in there" the reflux does get better. I promise. All my 3 boys had it, the third requiring the more expensive prevacid rather than the cheap Zantac. Hang in there and know that probably most of your babies irritable behaviour is due to his discomfort. As my "high needs" babies grew out of their reflux (8-10months) they became sweet and calm!! I know you don't want to wish the months away so just savor the moments that you have that are good and don't feel bad when you feel like you might go crazy! Who wouldn't with a baby that you love screaming bloody murder in your ear!! This too shall pass!