I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve written something of quality. It’s not that I haven’t had a million thoughts running through my head, it’s just finding the time & frame of mind to sit down & write. If there’s one thing I’ve discovered, it’s that having a newborn escalates every task to take twelve times longer than usual. Checking email? 15 minutes, because you’ve got a bottle in the left hand & the mouse in the right. Cooking dinner? 45 minutes, because you’re either wearing the baby or stopping ever 5 minutes to pop back in a paci. Watching a 30-minute television show? At least an hour, after several pauses when you cannot hear the dialogue over the screaming kid. Laundry? At least an hour per load.
OH MY GOD. LAUNDRY.
Is there a coicidence that I dreamt of a monster made of socks & Carter’s pajamas murdering me last night? I think not.
& secretly, I love it. I love being home with Harrison. I love watching him swing in the sunlight while I sip on coffee & organize bills. I love keeping my house clean & having the time to do it, versus scrambling on Saturday mornings. I love having dinner on the table when Nate gets home. I love that I’m home so when he pulls up, the Christmas lights are on & he has a cold beer waiting for him.
I was born in the wrong decade, I know. Maybe even the wrong century.
& as the weeks hurdle on towards January, I get this lump in my throat that I cannot bear to think of. I cannot fathom the idea of leaving my son & going to work. & I also know that for the choices Nate & I made regarding our home & lifestyle, it is not an option for me to stay out of work. & that is something I need to reconcile, because I was part of those choices. I love our home versus living in an apartment. I am glad that my son has a yard & a dog to play in as he grows. I want to take him on vacations & I want him to have good health coverage. I want my son to play sports or take lessons if he wishes, without me having to say “no” because we can’t afford it. & so I work so that my son can have the life & experiences that we wish for him. But it won’t make it any easier to miss these sunny mornings where I lay on the floor with him while he smiles at me under his playgym.
But I love my job. I’ve always loved my job, how it feels to help people, & been thankful for the opportunities it affords us. I miss work. I miss the people I work with & I miss making money. Especially in the first weeks after Harrison’s birth, I missed feeling “powerful” & in-control, when I felt so helpless underneath a little 8-pound tyrant. But I also love not having deadlines. Not having to answer to anyone but Harrison. I can’t screw this up & I don’t have to watch my back. Staying home has been the greatest de-stresser of my life. Amazing, considering I have a little boy screaming in my face for hours every day.
When I think of everything that I face come January, I feel overwhelmed by the loss of leaving Harrison every day coupled with the OH MY GOD, HOW WILL I SURVIVE? If my schedule is already full with the baby, house, husband, etc, how will I throw in a 9-hour workday + 2 hours commuting & still manage?
Oh, that’s right. I had this freak-out already. There’s really no need to go back into the depths of that psychosis in print.
But now it’s even more real. Real to the point that I climbed into the shower two nights ago & had a good, ugly cry. I like crying in the shower. & the more I thought about driving away from the daycare, the tears flowed faster. I thought about the task of losing the baby weight when I won’t have time to gym it up come January, & I hiccupped through the sobs. I worried over the money necessary for caring for my family (a whole other future post in the making) & nearly choked.
My husband is awesome. He helps, believe me. He knows how to turn on the vacuum, he’ll throw together a mean Hamburger Helper in a pinch, & he can feed Harrison just as easily as I can. But to be honest, I run the show most of the time (I think most women do, when we’re completely honest & not having to state this fact in front of our doting men). Staying home isn’t easier than working, but it is easier to run on my own schedule. I can pay bills while he swings, clean when he naps. I can work out during the day, so that I can devote my evenings to my husband & the couch. I don’t have to plan errands into 45-minute lunch break stretches, or be hungry until dinner is finally ready at 9pm because I was stuck in traffic until 7pm. I only know how to manage this new life when I’m at home, & this feels secure & comfortable. I just don’t know how to do it come January, & that is overwhelming & terrifying.
Blair,
This post brought tears to my eyes. I am back at work for three months now, and yes it's easier because it's routine, but for the most part, everyday it's a struggle with my emotions. I actually took yesterday off (just because I felt like I emotionally had to) and I enjoyed every second, just like you described. I know exactly what it's like to be so happy in the moment of watching my little girl just be a growing, learning babe. You will be fine, and those moments that you do have between you and Harrison, on weekends and after work, are so exciting and special. I still get butterflies when the workday is over and it is time to pick my daughter up from daycare. I am not going to tell you it's easy, or it will get easier, but I will tell you that the time you spend with Harrison will be the best moments of your day.
I don't usually comment or respond to blogs, but your post put into words exactly how I was feeling and how I still feel about work and having a family and I felt you deserved to know that you aren't alone!
I could have written this post. All I can say is that it does get easier once you go back to work but then you get choked up because it's **easier**.. I could never be a stay at home mom (I love my job as well) but at the same time being a working Mom sucks.
There is no answer, but it does get easier.
It is terrifying. I remeber my first day back to work like it was yesterday and I cried through most of the day. But, you will get through it. And you already know that you are doing what is best for your family. I have days where all I want to do is run straight to the daycare and pick Connor up and just hold him and hug him the rest of the day because I just don't want to be away from him – and it's been over 2 years since I came back to work. Adn I won't even mention the state of my house 99% of the time – nightmare! All of us working moms have been there and we can definitely sympathize with you. Feel free to express your frustrations, fears and feelings with us any time. Just cherish these next few weeks and know that Harrison is soaking up all that love and attention. I promise that he won't forget! {{{HUGS}}}
Ahh Pleasantville – I too adore that movie and I often feel like I was born in the wrong generation as well. Nothing makes me happier than wearing an apron and keeping the house clean and cooking dinner for my husband – SERIOUSLY!
Having said that I realize that being a happy homemaker doesn't pay the bills. So I have a job that lets me work from home so I can make money and do laundry and cook dinner. Is this an option at your place of employment – if for maybe only one day a week? I do remember a previous post on this and how it wasn't an option at the time, but would it hurt to possibly revisit it with your boss?
I would suggest checking out "The Four Hour Workweek" by Tim Ferriss to read his ideas on how best to convince your employer to let you work from home. While most of that book is kind of "out there", his strategies on moving from 100% office based to part-time home based are sound.
I will also offer this – You are a gifted writer and you have a knack for expressing your thoughts and feelings in both a humorous and total relatable way. THIS IS YOUR #1 ASSET and you need to exploit it for all it's worth. Sadly, I'm in sales and not publishing but surely there is a follower out there that can help you. Make it your number one goal to turn your writing into a way to make money.
Other than that, you can always employ my #1 strategy for a complete and total life change: lottery tickets. All it takes is a dollar and a dream!
All this is exactly what I'm dealing with too. I keep sitting down and running over finances trying desperately to figure out how to make it work if I stayed home even part time and it just won't add up. I hate the helplessness-I can always make things work but not this.
At least you are making the most of enjoying your time at home while you can. Thats all you can do. Harrison is lucky to have a mama that cares so much.
I swear our laundry baskets hump and and create more laundry when I'm not looking. That has to be where all the tiny socks and bibs come from when I know I just washed all of them but more turn up.
(Yes, Pleasantville was an awesome movie.) For me, the ANTICIPATION of going back to work and leaving Drew was actually worse the the reality of it. I've adjusted though, and we're doing great! I have come to love and appreciate the experiences being offered to my son while he is at daycare, as well as the experiences we can have as a family because I choose to work. (Health care is a good example!) Good luck. It's hard but you're awesome.
I felt the same way you did and told my husband, even though we had planned on me working part-time, and we found a way to make it work for me to stay home. Babies don't need lessons and yards until they're a bit older so than could buy you some time to stay home. Good luck!
You took the words right out of my mouth. I have been back at work for about 3 months now and it is NOT easy. It gets easiER, but never, ever easy. My house is a wreck 100% of the time, I cannot find any time to work out, etc. etc.
I am just trying to take full advantage of the time of have with him…dirty house and size 10 jeans be damned.
Thank you. My Cameron was born just before Harrison and I go back to work on the 4th of January. I want to puke whenever I think of it. I don't know how we will do it, but we will. As Dr.Phil said the other day (who knew I would like him now that I am home to watch him!) our kids grow from expierences from others as much as from ourselves. We need to give them that opportunity. I hate it that he is right. Good luck!
I just found your blog and agree that you have a talent with writing!
Like you, I feel like I was born in the wrong time period. I enjoy cooking, doing laundry, and taking care of stuff around the house…and would love to stay at home to care for some babies rather than paying someone else to care for them.
Most of my friends also went back to work after having their babies and they are really happy being back at work…and their kids are doing so well in daycare. I am looking forward to reading about your experience!
Exactly. These are my thoughts, worries and concerns too. I am dreading leaving her at daycare come January. Why is it fair that I am taking care of other peoples children but have to leave my little girl with strangers. Who will rock her when she is fussy? Who will bounce her just the right way? I want to stay home but like you said, I want to provide a wonderful life for her too.
I'll give you encouragement as previous commenters have…it does get easier. I have been back to work almost 2 months. There are days I get really upset thinking about being home with my son, and there are days I enjoy the routine.
We were in the same exact boat – We could make it work if I wanted to stay home, but that would involve moving to a less desirable living situation and pinching some major pennies. I want vacations and I don't want to have to worry about money when it comes to my son. So I'm back at work, and I'm sure it is for the best even if I do envy every stay at home mom out there.
Blair, I was planning to post a comment telling you how I feel just the same way, and you're not alone. And then I read all these other comments saying the same thing. I go back to work Jan. 4th and my little Adele will be in daycare five days a week. Reading what everyone else here is saying has made me feel more like I can do this and get through it and be better for it. I guess what I'm saying is: Thank you so much for your blog and sharing your thoughts, which are my thoughts, so that I can share in the encouragement and commisseration of other moms.
Awww ((((hugs))))))). You will figure out your new schedule just like you figured out what works for you guys now. It will be rough but it's doable. Hang in there.
Blair my baby girl isn’t here yet, and I already dread the thought of leaving her.. Like you, not working is not an option for me. I hold the health insurance in our family and our baby has to have it, so return to work I absolutely must. I worry about what it’s going to be like as well… I guess the best we can hope for is to take it day by day and cherish each moment, eh?
I will not lie to you. Going back to work was the single hardest thing I have EVER had to do. I, like you, sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for about two weeks before and two weeks after. We,like you, have chosen to have a lifestyle where we cannot afford for me not to work. What I will tell you, it WILL get easier. After you have been back at work for a few weeks, it won't hurt so much. There will still be moments. I still cry when I leave daycare sometimes, and my son is 21 months. There are new obstacles as he grows and sometimes it hurts. You are not alone, working mothers all across the world are crying with you. Enjoy the time you have and do not fear, it will all work out!
Pleasantville was about perfection in imperfection. To me, the point of the movie is that life's not better when it's "perfect" – it's the messy human emotions and situations that make it worth living. I know that's not why everyone was saying they love it, but I think it's the movie's truly beautiful message, and it applies to the working-mom conversation. Yes, we have to make hard choices and not have ALL we want, but isn't life, and aren't we, better for it?
I'm a lawyer, 15 weeks pregnant, contemplating all of this too. I'll work after baby is born, but how?! I wonder even now.
One tiny gripe – it annoys me when people say they were born in the wrong era. There are plenty of women today that enjoy keeping a nice house and staying at home – the beauty, the heartache, is in the choicea we are now blessed to agonize over, to struggle with, and to ultimately make our own.
Boy oh boy do I agree with you. I absolutely love meeting my hubby at the door with a beverage, and a smile cause I am not stressed. Some days it doesnt happen and as we speak my entire house is covered with laundry and everyday I thank the lord we came up with a plan that keeps me here and my little love out of daycare. I am sure you have crunched the numbers but after he was born and this self proclaimed "I will never not work momma" boo hooed for days about how there was no way I could ever leave him in day care, blame cnn for one to many clips on daycare nightmares and out of control hormonal surges, we had a real heart to heart and did some seriously crunching of numbers. So my new job is coupon clipping, laying off the silly extras and knowing that when he hits preschool I start a part time job to pay for those fun extras sports and stuff. Honestly, I actually think we are doing better than we thought. My job just wasnt that high salary and it would have covered the day care costs and thats pretty much it.
I love being a mom but I miss the adult interaction so focus on that, we love our babies but sometimes a stimulating convo would make my day. But I do know you can do it and I vote you write a book and make that a career, I absolutely love reading your blog! Hysterical and so very true!
I totally understand too, but I only lasted 6 weeks working outside the home. I am now staying home with Z. It was hard for me at first b/c I felt guilty about my hubby being the only one making money. I cried when I dropped him off at my parents' house to leave him my 1st day back and she told me to just walk out and not look back. It helped, but I wanted to run back to Z and just love on him like there was no tomorrow.
I just rejoined the rat race 3 weeks ago, leaving my daughter with my mom in law during my workdays. I look back on the months leading up to her birth, and I had so many plans for my maternity leave. I was going to clean out my closet, finally get the dogs groomed, take stuff to goodwill, etc, etc. But you know what? For most of the 8 weeks I was off, I hung out in bed with my baby girl relishing OUR time together (and of course watching really bad daytime television.) In hindsight, I am SOOOO glad I put most everything on hold for those few months. You will never be able to recoup these first precious months. So enjoy them while you can!
Now that I am back at work I have found that you truly don't know what it's like to have an infant until you rejoin the real world. But you will find a balance, new priorities, and that coming home is that much sweeter…
Blair,
I love reading your stories cause I can relate to them so well. And our babies are a few days apart so its nice when someone is going through the same steps and milestones.
I was looking forward to being a SAHM for at least a little longer, but my boyfriend and I are splitting so this means single momhood. which means, move out, find a job and have a stranger watch my kid a few days a week while I work. I've got a few months, really I can stay with now ex-bf as long as I like (we still get along), but the idea of it all is heartbreaking.
I am a crier, and love the idea of working it all out in the shower. How are we going to give our babies to someone during the day when we love staying home and taking care of the house and them? (I'd do well in the 1950's, no problem).
It hurts to think about it all but we are strong and can totally handle this. I'm gonna relish this time while I can.
oh fyi I love your bedding. beautiful comforter.
Blair- my heart is broken after reading your post. Staying home with your children is the most wonderful, rewarding, selfless thing that a mother can do in her life. It's probably a hard decision for a lot of women out there with a newborn. If you dread the idea of driving away from the daycare and leaving him- then don't. But, you still get to decide. Reading Dr. Seuss or TPS reports? Meetings in the conference room or meet at the library for story time? Shopping at Gymboree and Carters or at a consignment or thrift store. Driving an SUV or a less fancy but yet sufficient car. In 18 years, will your child say he was glad that he had the newest toys, nicest clothes and coolest ride to the bus stop? Or will he have a stronger and more loving bond because you decided to give up the power, money, and luxuries to be there by his side at each milestone? It's just something to think about, and a decision that all of us have to make. I can promise you that being a SAHM is hard work, but it is absolutely the most wonderful and worthy sacrifice. I wonder if you have read 'At Praise of Stay at Home Moms' by Laura Schlessinger? You may not agree at first, but sometimes I like the challenge of reading something that I don't agree and it will either affirm what I thought, or make me question my decisions. Best wishes!! Harrison is quite the cutie!
I'm going through the same exact thing and the same exact feelings. I go back Jan 4, too, and the thought of leaving my little guy tears my heart apart.
And yet, I want to work, in order to be able to have the things in life we want to have – a house, two cars, vacations, a college fund for him. And I'm not sure I'd want to stay home full-time, since I do enjoy working.
And yet I'm SO loving the time with him – the mornings in the sun with my coffee and my smiley man, being able to do things around the house … this time is so precious and I will miss it.
It helps a tiny bit to know that so many of us are in the same exact situation. We'll make it work, and our time with our little ones will be that much more special since we're apart from them during the day.
First, I love your blog and I also agree that you should parlay your talent into a career. Though that still wouldn't solve your problem, because you would still have to focus on a career.
I am not offering any advice here because I know the choice is deeply personal. I stay at home and reading your post and comments here has changed my attitude completely. I had a very tough day today and cried while I fed her because I just felt so stuck. Having read all this now, I realize how very lucky I am to have the opportunity to be there for her. To videotape her today almost crawling and knowing I will be there to see it when it does finally happen. To soothe her when she cries. To make my home nice for my family. These are all gifts of SAHMhood.
BUT There are always trade offs in life. I drive a car that is 10 years old, shop at thrift stores and will not be taking vacations any time soon. I also live in an apartment, with no yard and no grass to speak of. I also have break downs once a week because once the novelty of staying home wears off, I realized that I am working my ass off and get little thanks for it. I am cut off from most social interaction and I have a hell of a time remembering who I am without a baby attached to me.
I wish you luck with your choice. You will be fine either way.
Oh gosh, hon, I so feel your pain. That first week back was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I just wanted to jump out of my chair, throw my resignation letter in my bosses face and drive like a maniac home until my son was back in my arms. The fear, anxiety and sadness all lightened up especially after about a month. A month was all it took for me to realize that going to work AND being a mom made me the happiest person. Now that I've lost my job it has only reaffirmed my belief that I need to be working. Yes, it is nice being at home especially now that I'm KU with #2! But I do long for the day when I have a job again.
I was reading your blog while sitting next to my husband. He saw the picture of the laundry on the bed and said, "Well, I see one thing you have in common with that woman." Made me laugh, cause every morning we do a clean-clothes-rummage. (Im in school full-time and work full-time.)
The issue in this blog post is one that I think about a LOT. I know that I want to be able to be home with my kids when they come, but dont see how that is going to be possible. We could do it if we moved, but then our kids wouldnt have the space, or dogs… it is such a hard balancing act. The best solution I came up with for us is for me to go back to school and become a nurse. Good pay, and I can work part time, a couple days a week. (Hence, the full-time schooling.)
Good luck in the next month.
Great idea, but will this work over the long run?
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