& an undoubtedly controversial post. One that I may likely regret posting, but feel it is fair to address since I was shocked to find I was not the only mother that felt this way.
Last week, a girlfriend of mine & I sat down to chat babies. We were discussing the ins & outs of reflux, colic, incessant crying on both our parts & the babes. I laughed because sometimes, I do tell my child that he’s acting like a jackass, despite what some readers feel is inappropriate. Is it inappropriate? Sure. But if it helps me laugh when I’m home alone, floundering on very little sleep, staring at a child that has been screaming for 2 hours straight, then the word “jackass” that he cannot even comprehend yet is hardly a threat to my child. & in talking to my friend, we both agreed…
We, as mothers, understand Shaken Baby Syndrome.
Wait. Read on before you call Child Services on me, or write some hateful diatribe as a comment.
I understand where Shaken Baby Syndrome comes from. I am not condoning the action, supporting it, or saying that it is remotely okay to harm a child in any way, shape, or form. I did not say that I shake Harrison, or will ever shake Harrison, or that I ever lose my cool to the point of no return. & if I did feel that way, I promise you that he would be in his crib to scream alone while I locked myself in another room to call Nate before I ever harmed a hair on my child’s head. But when he is screaming at such a fevered pitch that I can feel the blood rushing in my ears & I start shaking from heart palpitations…yes, I compute where it comes from. I’m bite my lip, & tears run down my face as I stare at a little human who is red-faced & inconsolable, making me powerless over the own chaos of my life that I created. It’s unnerving. You have those moments where you stare into your child’s face & say, OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST STOP CRYING?! & when they don’t (which they won’t), you want to slam your head into the closest brick wall simply to escape. So I get why an uneducated teenage baby daddy with no support system would pick up the child & shake it in frustration. I get why a mother with severe PPD, lacking the logic to pull her back to rational thoughts past the emotional & biological reaction to the crying, would have urges to throw the baby out the window. I GET IT.
& the friend of mine & I agreed, most other parents would get it, too. & it makes you feel dirty & unnatural. So nobody would ever want to admit it.
I feel like EVERYONE feels this way at some point, and if they don't admit it- they are lying!!!! Props to you for saying it out loud!
I honestly think that EVERY parent understands how Shaken Baby Syndrome happens after they have a baby. It's scary, but you totally get how someone could be so frustrated, and it makes you sad – but it's a fact. A sad one, but a fact nonetheless.
It's true. I would never harm a hair on my child's head but I've been there! With a colic baby for 3 months and a husband who works 12 hours a day, there was many a time I had to set DD in her crib and shut the door for a minute while I sobbed, got it out of my system, and went back in to try and comfort and console.
I know I will have moments exactly like you are describing in a few months. Thanks for posting that motherhood is HARD and TRYING. And that we all want to be perfect, and just can't!
Every parent has these moments. I had the exact same realization during one sleepless night, and no, I didn't come close, nor will I ever, but I got it.
I agree that everyone parent, especially mother has these moments. Especially when you are at home alone all day, and it just won't stop!
I soooo agree.. I had so many of those moments. I had horrible PPD and a very colicky baby, so of course I felt that. Its crazy I always wanted to say it, but I NEVER wanted to have to explain that I would NEVER do it..I just GET IT. It gets better! Mine is now 5 and trust me it gets better! He is beautiful.
I get it too. I keep thinking about this magnet my friend has on her fridge, and it sort of helps me: "I cry for many reasons," it says, "but never to make you angry."I don't know why that helps me get calm, but for some reason, it does.Hang in there, Blair
I have so been there. You know you'd never do it, because you stop yourself when you get to "that point", but I have totally told my kid to shut up, and everything in between. Moments later I hug and kiss him, bc inevitable mommy guilt sets in. But again, I GET IT. I never got it before, but I do now.
I don't think you're in the minority at all. I still have these moments and my Harrison is 14 months old! "Why the heck would you throw the food I just cooked you on the floor to the dog?!" But the rational part of you looks at that sweet innocent face and knows he didn't mean to hurt your feelings. And I think to myself–I should've just made the peanut butter sandwich!
I totally get it. There comes a point that you just don't know what to do. There were many times I just cried right along with him. And we call our son a jackass sometimes, too, when he's being one. I thought we were the only ones.
Good for you, Blair, and your unfailing honesty. I've been there, oh, so many times.
chase had an undiagnosed dairy allergy for the first 7 weeks of his life.. he screamed if he was awake.. the only time he was quiet was when he was asleep. I completely understand. My DH and I would take turns with him so that we could regroup.
Don't feel bad, it's understandable. One of my friends has four kids. Her second, he had colic very bad, it was horrible. Her mom even told her at one point that if she ever got to a point where she couldn't take it to just call her, she'd come get the baby and take him for the night, no questions asked.
The more knowledge you have, the less judgmental you are. Of course you get it, all mothers get it. We don't do it, but we get it.
My husband was deployed for the first five months of my sons life, and I to had that "I get it" moment. I can't tell you how many times I put my son down in his crib, went in the bathroom, turned on the shower and my ipod and cried. Thanks for being so honest about this. People need to know its ok to walk away.
I can only compare this to my dogs, as they are the closest thing to children to me right now!But yeah, when I see a pile of crap on the floor…then look at my baby wagging his tail….I can't be mad he didn't mean to even though deep down inside I want to punt him like a football!
I get it
Word. I realized that the best prevention of child abuse is the realization that yes, I feel those feelings you were describing, and yes, it's okay to lock myself in my bedroom away from my kid. Giving myself permission to escape and say, "Too much! Take the baby for the day, PLEASE!" made me a better mother, not one that couldn't "hold it together" or that felt shame because an infant made me mad. So yeah. Word.
I'm glad you post these things. Really, they make me feel human, and that I'm not alone. Thank you.
I feel the same way- and it appears from all the comments so far every mother feels the same way. I remember while I was pregnant and even before that hearing the commercials for Shaken Baby Syndrome, and thinking who could get SO mad/angry at a baby to get to the point to shake it (and I even worked in daycare for 5 years before and still could not understand how anyone could get to THAT point.) Anyway after having my daughter I totally understand how people get to that point. Although I have a very "easy" baby who rarely ever cried, there were days when she would cry for NO reason, and nothing would comfort her, and it was at those times that I thought, "I can totally understand how shaken baby happens." I know that I would never get to that point or harm my child in anyway- but I see how people could get to that point. And yes I have told my young infant daughter to "shut up" and called her a "bitch" and I know that it is not right to say that but like you it helped me to lighten up. And of course now that my daughter is older and starting to understand and even starting to repeat words, I never call her a "bitch" anymore (at least not out loud- I may still think it at times!)Anyway I think you are on the right track! Thank you for the great post and keeping it real! I think anyone who says they have never felt this way is lying!
Blair,As the mom of a 5 week old I feel you. We would never harm our babies, but this is the damn hardest thing I personally have ever done. I feel angry at people that hurt their babies, but I also feel sad for them – that they suffered so much mental anguish that it drove them to such a terrible act. You wish people could just put their babies in a safe place and walk away for a while, but there are those awful moms who guilt us into thinking babies can't be left to cry ever either. What is a sleep-deprived mom to do in this scenario??? Hang in there girl. We are all in this together.
Blair, seriously. You don't know me but in the event that you get a horrible post from someone, I wanted to show a little solidarity. And as the stepmother to a 10 year old boy, I can tell you that it isn't relegated to infants only. There are times, regardless of their age, that you can see what people might do any number of things to their children in the heat of a horrible moment.I don't condone it or practice it or whatever. (There's my obligatory disclaimer).And I also feel just disgusting when I have those thoughts too. I don't know what it is that makes us all feel like we're alone. That there's something wrong with us when we have these thoughts. They are completely normal and understandable. In fact, I think you're a great mother for admitting the thoughts. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you!
As someone without kids, I have really enjoyed your sincerity and candor. While you don't condone SBS, I'm glad that you can admit that you "get it" and obviously your readers do too. Is anyone willing to admit they regret having kids? I really think this is the "taboo" topic that no one ever wants to discuss.
I totally understand it now, too!
I get it!!!I think at some level I feel like that every single day! My 1 year old is CRRRRAAAAZZZZYYY!!! but I love her with all my heart!
First of all I want to tell you how brave I think you are for admitting this to yourself and the whole world. My daughter was 6 months and past that stage before I ever even uttered the words PPD. I remember watching the interview with Brooke Shields saying that she could actually see herself throwing her child at the wall and watching her slide down it. I think it is so normal for all mothers to feel this way, but we are so proud and scared to admit it. Bravo Blair, Bravo.
Yep. Totally normal.
Totally and completely agree with you, 1000000%. I totally get where the urge to do that comes from. Not that I would ever, ever, ever, do that or harm my child in any way, but I understand it. My friends agree with this as well. And it's just not something you can understand until you're a parent. I'm on your side, Blair.
This thought just crossed my mind Sunday night when my 5 week old was so messed up from the time change neither of us could see straight. I felt so bad for feeling these feelings but now I realize I am not the minority! I feel so much better now that I read your post and ALL the responses, I am normal (or close to it)!
I'm glad someone was finally brave enough to say it outloud. I'm a nestie who has never been able to admit this over there. Everyone seems like life with a baby is so fantastic. It wasn't for me. They wouldn't want me on a jury for a mother who shook her baby. I'd vote not guilty! I never hurt mine, but I had to do what you said….put they baby in the crib, shut the door, and lock myself in another room and call they hubby. So hang in there….you're not alone!
I love my babies with all my heart, but been there and get it. They went in the crib many a day while I went outside and just screamed my bloody head off. Then, once I calmed down, I was a much more comforting to them. I look at them daily and wonder how someone loses it to that point, but I am 31. If I was 16, I might not be able to say the same thing. You stated it beautifully and I spent a lot of nights crying in my kitchen floor and mine were FERTILITY babies I wanted for years and years. Hang in there. The toddler stage will remind you why you had a baby. I want to freeze time now instead of wish my life away!Michelle
Right there with you. I said the same thing when my lil one was the same age as Harrison. I think the people who don't admit to ever having that unnerved feeling are the ones that actually commit the act!
You just say what every mother out there thinks but never has the balls to say! I think as parents we have all felt this way. Even as they grow older you will still have those moments when they start throwing temper tantrums. Sometimes it takes everything i have not to smack my 3 year old upside the head! It's one of the joys of being a parent. We love them so much, but they know how to drive us crazy!
Agreed. Any parent who says they don't understand it at all it a big fat liar. Good for you for saying it out loud.
I got my ass handed to me by 3 anonymous posters for daring to say that, yes, I often regret having kids. Actually, what I said was I think I liked my pre-baby life better. You would have thought I came out saying I beat the crap out of my kids. Two people told me to put them up for adoption. One told me they should be taken away from me, accused me of neglecting their medical care, and felt sorry for them for having me as a mother.I read Brooke Shields' book, too. I related to a lot of it, especially since my oldest is the result of my 4th IVF. PPD after infertility is a rare animal because, in addition to feeling like a failure as a person, you feel incredible guilt because women you've gotten to know and love are still in the trenches and you're miserable. As you sit up at night wondering WTF you did to your life, you're also thinking you were infertile for a reason and, maybe all of those people who told you God didn't want you to have kids were right. Then, guilt sets in when you remember the people who are still giving themselves needles and praying for two pinks lines. Thankfully, I never got the feeling of hurting or shaking any of my kids. I have put them down and walked out of the room. I have put my earplugs in and gone on with my day with the sounds muffled. I have stuck my iPod on my head and gone on with my day listening to Eminem. Because the screaming does feel like knives going through your entire body and add a bratty 2.5yr old and a clingy 1.5yr old who still has trouble sleeping through the night and, yeah, you have days where you want to get in your car and drive off and start over with a new name and no kids. I said it on my blog and, understandably, some people were offended. Or annoyed. Or angry. Likely the same way I'm annoyed when people bitch about "only" getting 1 nap when I'd pay my kids to nap or "only" getting 4hrs of sleep when that's my average in any given 4 day period. But, it's not my right to tell them to stop complaining because they have it better than I do. Because it sucks, whether it sucks more or less, and we should be able to express it without being berated.I admire moms who manage to not feel the desire to take off. I'm sure there are some. Look at Michelle Duggar. I've yet to see her blow up or even say anything without that grin on her face. I always say she's on something because nobody is that calm or happy all the time. PS: Blair, I also starved my oldest. By breastfeeding. One day, she screamed for hours and I scurried off to the pediatrician's office at 10pm one night just to have her hand me a little bottle of formula and tell me she's hungry. The "swallowing" I thought I heard was reflux. She wasn't eating anything and she was screaming. Thus began my love affair with Alimentum and all 3 of my girls have been on it.
Yes, I totally get it, too. Those emotions were the biggest shock of motherhood thus far – and now I understand how normal they are.
Yep. I get it too. Nonstop crying drive me insane, and if it doesn't drive you insane, you are a FREAK of nature.
I have felt that way and that was with my nieces and nephews!! I won't say that this won't happen to me because I know it will.
we all get it. anyone who says otherwise is either gandhi or lying.
I totally get it. I have a very clear memory of one time when the crying just wouldn't stop. I put her in her crib, walked out of her room and went outside for some air. I scared myself a little bit and then realized I needed to call in reinforcements – I have never been one to ask for help…until I had a child. Hang in there!
As a mom-to-be I thank you for your honesty, I hate women that act as if everyday is sunny and so easy.
To the person who asked about regretting having children I would say this: Though I have felt the way Blair feels now more than once, I have never regretted having children because if I had never had them I would never have been challenged in the way that I am challenged every day and I would continue living my life as i knew it= completely self absorbed. Thinking I was perfect, judging people (especially mothers) left and right, having way too much time on my hands to contemplate the color of my nail polish
I am a better person because my children have enabled me to grow and see myself-and change myself- in a way that I don't think I ever would have without them. That is the real gift of becoming a mother. And they're pretty freakin' adorable too.
I love your honesty. I think every mother has been there.
I'm not a parent and I totally understand why this, sadly, happens. You are not alone. Thankfully we can see this, understand it and still know it wrong and that there are alternatives.
OMG YES! I definitely get it!
My youngest was my fussy one. I had no idea what I was in for. I had the same thoughts that you have shared with us. After making every attempt to console the child, I would simply lay him in his crib and walk outside for a breather. Those first 2 months of life were ear piercing and stressful. Funny blog post. I enjoyed it
I'm 100% get it!If a screaming baby can make me feel that way when I have all the love and support in the world, I can't imagine how hard it would be to do it alone, without a loving husband and family, a nice house and financial security.
Thanks for posting this! It is SO true, and I think many many parents feel this way/understand this, but not many people like to admit to it.
Amen! I'm a first-time mom of a 1-week old and my husband I were just discussing this very topic. Thank you for being honest and articulating what most of us are feeling. I'm hanging in there with you!
I, too, tell my infant child he's being a jackass! I'm right there with you!
I totally get it.
Totally get it. Wouldn't do it, but as many times as I have wanted to shake the shit out of my yapping dog, I know this will continue over to the baby. Bravo for the honesty. This is why we like you.
Thanks for being honest! We discussed this at work yesterday and all of the parents in the room "got it" and said they've just walked away many times because they "got it." There is nothing wrong with that.
I get what you are saying. I have a 10 week old son who has finally outgrown screaming for hours at night. Neither parent could leave from 6-10 PM for fear that we might leave the cat in charge! Seriously.
I get it as well & understand exactly what you are saying!!
It looks like it's unanimous… everyone has been there. You're right… they just don't talk about it.
Blair, I didn't read all the comments b/c there are a ton, but I hope you didn't get any negative comments on this. I know exactly how you feel. I still feel that way at times and my son is almost 10 months old. A lady was seriously attached on The Bump one day for saying this. It made me feel horrible b/c I agreed with her.
Everyone took the words out of my mouth. It's so true & nobody would ever say it. All anybody ever tells you is that being a mother is soooo wonderful & it's all puppies & rainbows. Yes, it certainly is the best thing in the world to look at the beautiful child you have created, but there are definitely times throughout EVERY day where you want to claw your eardrums out & let your child cry in his/her crib until you're done watching the latest episode of Real Housewives.
I love your honesty Blair. I'm not a mother yet but I'm glad to know that when I feel this way in the future I am not alone.
Blair, Thats why I love ready your blog… because your so damn real. I know I have felt this way and have always been afraid to admin it to anyone and obviously everybody else that is reading this agress with you. When my daughter was an infant I sometimes had to just put her in her crib and walk away to regain my sanity. They don't write about these things in all the baby books… how are we suppose to know? Anyway, good luck to you and I can't wait to hear more about sweet baby Harrison!
Blair, First of all, yes, EVERY mother gets it!!Now I have a question for you! After I had my son I had CRAZY thoughts.. I mean CRAZY! EXAMPLE: I would have my son in his papisan chair as he was sleeping and I would carry him into the bathroom and put him in the bathroom. I would then proceed to take a shower, but that way he was right there if he needed me. Well I remember getting out of the shower once and almost slipping and falling and then I could almost visualize it, if I slipped and fell onto my son would I kill him? Would I pop his little head open? I don't know, I know I have always been told I have a very good imagination so I don't know if my thoughts are always that out there but I talked to my mother and sister in law about it to make sure I wasn't in need of help, I mean I had absolutely no desire to hurt him or anything, it was just that I could see these things happenings to him. Still to this day, I can see him falling down the stairs and having a bone pop out of his arm or leg from a broken bone. I try not to smother him with safety, but I'm terrified of him getting hurt too…
Anyone who has a child/children and doesn't get this is in denial or just plain missed out on a central part of the hazing process for the parenthood club.
Yes.
I get it. I have been there. Thank goodness those moments don't last forever. We have all kinds of nicknames for her that we will need to cut out when she gets old enough to understand. The one we are using now is Crabby Patty. I do call my dog a jack ass when she wakes the baby up from her nap.
funny the timing here… I had just done a post about Noah, a baby with SBS. Some things you have to live through to understand… but however frustrated a caregiver becomes you must never shake a Baby! Maybe talking about it will save someone.
I had a baby 8 weeks ago and so had this conversation with my other new mom friends!!
I haven't even had my baby yet and I get this. I've seen my sister and best friend have theirs and I can understand what happens to people in that split second. Heck I've had moments where I wanted to shake my dog (and obviously I never have). The other day in my 20 week u/s, the tech asked me to get up and "shake around" to move Baby into a better position. When she returned to the room, I was there, swaying my hips like a moron. I looked at her and said "I guess this is the only time it will be ok to shake my baby" and while my husband laughed, she did not find the humour.Whoops. I obviously didn't mean anything by it. I won't shake her, I promise. But if you can't laugh at the hard things in life, what is the point in living?
Oh my gosh it's so true, and just no one wants to admit it. I felt like the worst mom ever when my first was born- also a little boy- and was collicky the first few weeks and wouldn't stop crying. I also would never harm him of course but I suddenly understood how some people have gone that far- probably from lack of sleep and not thinking clearly. i just let him set there and cried. it was miserable! luckily that phase only lasted a few weeks.