2009 September | Heir to Blair

File this under weird & disgusting.

25 Sep posted by heirtoblair

I can’t decide if this should be filed under the definition of psychotic or nesting. Because it involves the scrubbing of shampoo bottles.

Yes, that’s right. I cleaned my SHAMPOO BOTTLES.

Back story: I tend to clean the shower when I’m in the shower (I’ll let you marinate on that visual for a moment) because it’s my least favorite chore EVER. Seriously. HATE. But proof that Satan does exist, our shower is the most disgusting place in the entire house. It’s a breeding ground for mold orgies. I’ve tried EVERYTHING — scrubbing with Clorox. Those daily shower sprayers. Running the fan constantly. Keeping the window to the bathroom open to let in sunlight, therefore giving the neighbors a nightly peepshow — but I was willing to do it FOR THE GOOD OF THE SHOWER.

**side note that I will take any suggestions on keeping said hell mouth clean…I have been pointed towards Bar Keep’s Friend & shall try that this weekend**

& last night, after a glorious day of scrubbing the house with my dear friend Lala, I hopped into the shower & put the icing on the house cleaning cake — shower scrubbing. Except by this point, I was in crazy-pregnant-nesting-cleaning-mode, and spent 30 minutes spraying & wiping every. single. square. inch of fiberglass. & just when I was going to call it a day, I realized that THERE WAS MOLD ON THE SHAMPOO BOTTLES. Playground for mold orgies, remember? So I sigh, grab my handy-dandy Clorox bottle & sponge, & go to town on the shampoo bottles. BECAUSE GOD FORBID I BRING MY SON INTO A HOUSE THAT HAS DIRTY SHAMPOO BOTTLES. I scrubbed the snot out of some Herbal Essence, y’all.

& after I replaced the bottle of “Body Envy” back on the shelf, I looked down..and screamed, “OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?” Is that my…MUCUS PLUG?!

Oh, sweet baby Jesus in a manger. ::faint::

It’s this yellow….glob at the bottom of the shower. I know, I’m wanting to vomit just typing it out. & right when I’m about to panic & cry for Nate, I decide to make sure this is the plug before sounding the alarms. So I get down on all fours & I’m all up close & personal with this disgusting, revolting slime on my shower floor….& I realize that it’s NOT my mucus plug. Praise God.

No, it’s a slimy mold orgy that slid off the shampoo bottle. Like a compound for polygamous mold marriages led by a creepy old man. Zion Ranch, mold style.

I’ll give you a moment to lose your cookies appropriately.

So moral of the story, I have entered psychotic nesting mode. My shower belongs in Texas or Utah. & I still have my mucus plug because I have the CERVIX OF STEEL at 39 weeks with zero dilation & a wee bit of effacement.

Ironic that after having “sensitive cervix” stamped all over my charts since November 2008, I have a mucus plug that goes by the name of Clark Kent.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 File this under weird & disgusting.

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Filed Under: BA is effing crazy, Child Eviction, FAIL, Labor Watch 2009, Pregnancy Psychosis

38 Week Letter

22 Sep posted by heirtoblair

Dear Harrison,

It’s been awhile, no? From a little nameless avocado, still praying you’d stick, to my sweet little man just days away from eviction. My, how far we have come!

In these last few days, Momma feels so torn. I cannot wait to meet you, to see you & hold you & know that every moment in my life has pointed me to that moment. I cannot wait for that moment that they will place you on my chest, fulfilling an entire year of promise, heartbreak, & anticipation. I know I will cry, but only because I will not believe I will have lived 26 years without you.

The other day, I felt you press your leg up against the left side of my belly…I looked down & on impulse, pinched your little foot & shook it gently. You pulled it back quickly…so much like your father that it made my heart melt. & then just as shyly, you pressed your foot right back into my hand. A little message from you — “Hi, Momma.” & I shook it again to say, “Hi, Baby.” & in that moment, I fell more in love with you than I ever thought possible. I ached & yearned to be able to truly hold your foot in the palm of my hand, not knowing if I could stand the next two weeks of waiting.

But in so many ways, I yearn to keep you with me & inside me forever. When I think of one word to describe you, the only word that comes to mind is “Mine.” You are mine, fully, completely, & I am yours just as assuredly. I am the only one that has felt every nudge, delighted in every hiccup, & cried with every beat of your heart. & in these last final days, I wonder — did I cherish this enough? Did I really sit & think of the wonder of carrying you? Did it sink in the entire nine months what a miracle you are, or were there days when I took that miracle for granted? & deep in my heart, I know that these past nine months have been perfection. For if they were not, I would not be grasping onto these last few weeks with such tenacity & hope.

I felt such a fear at the idea of greeting you so soon, but that seems to be waning as I think of your sweet blue eyes that will gaze up at me, full of trust & wonder. I still do not feel prepared (and probably never will) but I know that you & I will learn together. Because, my sweet little Harrison…you are mine. Fully, completely. & I am yours, just as assuredly.

I love you forever.

Love,
Momma

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Filed Under: Letters to Harpie

I used to like driving in tunnels as a kid, but this kind of tunnel sucks.

21 Sep posted by heirtoblair

Carpal, that is. My fingers are so swollen that I cannot straighten them. Or bend them more than a few twitches. I can’t hold a pen. Or an eating utensil.

I wanted a baked potato & salad for lunch, but realized I couldn’t hold the fork. So I got a sandwich.

I want to cry.

Any ideas on relieving the pain?

I should take a picture. I have pitting edema in my index finger & my wrist bones have taken a vacation…I think they’re in St. Lucia, sipping martinis at the Sandals Halcyon.

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Filed Under: Pregnancy is not always glamorous., Who's body is this?

38 Week Belly Picture

20 Sep posted by heirtoblair

How far along? 38 weeks.

Total weight gain: Holding steady at 37 lbs.
Maternity clothes? oh, indeed.
Sleep: I just want one night where I don’t get up 5 times to pee, or am woken up by numb hands (thank you, carpel tunnel), or end up on my back breathing funny. JUST ONE NIGHT.
Best moment this week: Baby shower #2 was amazing.
Movement: yep, but slowing down some. He sleeps more!
Gender: boy!
Labor Signs: First contractions, tons of cramping, but I’m only 50% effaced with ZERO dilation.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Comfortably holding a pen, eating utensil, etc.
What I am looking forward to: The work shower on Wednesday!
Weekly Wisdom: If you don’t want your kid to come, make sure you keep a clean house & shaved legs — I figure he’ll only come when I’m caught unawares
Milestones: First contractions, first internal exam.

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Filed Under: Belly Pictures, Pregnancy Quiz

Step aside, McDreamy.

18 Sep posted by heirtoblair

Remember how I was all frantic about my failure as a parent regarding the pediatrician “Meet n’ Greet?”

Well, turns out that Nate is not only good for a hot lay & solid taste in good beer, he’s also a connoisseur of the “who you know” factor. Light bulbs clicked & Nate realized that we have a connection to the pediatrician we want. & two days later at a tailgate (I shall not speak of the name since he dared to attend a rival school’s game & BOUGHT AN EFFING HAT, but that’s another story for another time when I don’t feel like singing his praises), Nate & Dr. Hottie tossed back a 12-pack together over a discussion of vaccines, swine flu, & our own private pediatric orientation.

Yes, that’s right. Dr. Hottie.

He’s HOT, y’all. I wish I had coined the nickname but sadly, it is a stolen moniker from my local baby chat board, where Dr. Hottie’s cheekbones are legendary. & while I am a deliriously happy married woman that finds her husband to be a fine piece of ass, I can still appreciate Dr. Hottie’s bone structure. But this really isn’t about how good-looking our pediatrician is, or how I am now concerned that he repeatedly see me looking like A MILDLY INSANE BAG LADY ON A COCAINE TRIP the first few months of Harrison’s life while I juggle him back & forth to the pedi.

No, this is about how we landed a pediatrician & thus did not fail our fetus.

Last night, Dr. Hottie was gracious enough to meet us after hours & take us on a private orientation (which scores points for being awesome). I tell you, I was literally sitting on my hands & biting a hole right through my bottom lip to not blurt out, “Everyone calls you Dr. Hottie on my creepy internet board!!” while grilling him on the CDC vaccine schedule (more on that later, but we will be doing the traditional CDC recommended schedule, with the exception of delaying Hep B for one month). Because something tells me that Tourettes regarding his looks would not be received as overly professional.

After 30 minutes of touring the office, chatting about their on-site pediatric asthma specialist (a must-have for my peace of mind) & exactly who/what/when will happen to Harrison in the hospital, we left feeling completely at ease. & regardless of his reputation of being easy on th eeyes, he’s smart. He supports our decision to exclusively formula feed. He has children of his own, so he has made these decisions as a father & pediatrician. He’s a family man. The practice is relatively small. The administrative staff is welcoming. We are thrilled.

& hell, if I have to be in there routinely throughout the first year of Harrison’s life, it’s not such a terrible thing to have a little snack of eye candy, no?

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Filed Under: Adult Club, Dr. Hottie