Today was rough.
I try to follow Blair’s Rules of Blogging strictly:
1) Do not blog in-depth about friendships.
2) Do not blog about work.
Blogging about these topics never brings out the best in people. Write that down. I know plenty of people that have lost both friends & jobs by breaking these cardinal rules, so I shy as far away as possible. But today brought about events that brought me to tears several times in frustration & I realize that most mothers go through this — either before, during, or after pregnancy. & so I will walk that tedious line of staying off specific work subjects while addressing something that weighs heavily on the heart of motherhood.
Childcare.
The cost of childcare kept Nate & I from trying to get pregnant for a year — we simply knew we couldn’t afford it in any way, shape, or form. We have also always known that it is unlikely I will ever be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) since our expenses require both full-time salaries. And no, it’s not priorities in a petty sense since cutting the cable bill does not equal a childcare affordability miracle. Nate & I spent an entire year saving up our emergency fund & out-of-pocket insurance costs, devising a “plan” for childcare. Based upon office precedence, I planned to drop down to four 9-hour days of work, therefore leaving one day to stay home with HJ. My generous mother graciously volunteered one day to keep her newest grandchild, meaning we would only need paid childcare 3 days per week. Glorious! I even researched part-time daycares in the area prior to pregnancy (yes, I am an OCD freak), happily finding that part-time daycare fit wonderfully in our budget.
Unfortunately, today my proposal of dropping down to four days was not welcomed with open arms. I hesitate to say “denied,” for the bossman did promise to mull it over & get back to me officially in a few weeks. Of course, this threw an entire wrench into our “plans.” (note to self: life lesson to not jump the gun & put eggs in a basket)
Panicked, I spent my lunch break dashing through the rain to different childcare centers, only to find that they are priced equal to our mortgage….if not more. The daycares I loved? Their tuition plus our mortgage would equal 65% of our combined take-home income. ::gulp:: We do have an open door to hiring a private nanny, which I pray will work. But needless to say, this required several tearful phone calls — one to Nate & another to my mother. Both reassured me that it would work out & HJ would be cared for in the most secure, loving way but I couldn’t help but feel doubtful despair the entire day.
How?? How would we afford a daycare that had security codes, maternal & educated teachers, & a willingness to follow our schedule? With whom could we trust our child, at the price we could afford?
& while I sobbed these questions the entire way home, I realized that the gut of the problem is that one day I will not get to spend at home. That one weekday where I could pretend that I am a SAHM. That extra day with my baby, watching him or her grow & knowing that for that day, s/he’s getting the best care possible. It is gut-wrenching — that one day is the closest thing to staying home that I will ever get, & today it was partially ripped from me today.
How is it already this difficult to be a working mother? Why is this decision & it’s expectations from both parents & providers so daunting? Why does society put so many pressures on the decisions we make? Working mothers are no less nurturing & selfless than SAHM’s. & SAHM’s have one of the hardest jobs in the universe. They both deserve respect. So why is it so hard to face the choice every mother must make?
I don’t know these answers. I’m still so upset & while I am stressed, I am thankful I started looking this quickly so I have another 25+ weeks to truly choose a childcare avenue. All I know for sure is that my baby has the sweetest heartbeat that makes all of these troubles worth the end result. & at the end of the day, I’ll do anything for HJ to be healthy, happy, & loved.
