I was regaling my girlfriends with a fantastic poop story this weekend, & I realized that I never posted it on here. Mostly because it is borderline degrading to my digestive system, but after their encouragement, I concede to sharing it with the masses.
The other week, prior to The Plague that emptied my colon for good, I had not pooped in 4 days. This made me & my poor body feel about 10 kinds of uncomfortable, not to mention what it did to my rapidly spreading waist-line. One morning, while sitting innocently at my desk & clipping out an email to a coworker, I felt “the urge.” You know, the kick in the gut where your colon screams “SOMETHING IS HAPPENING DOWN HERE” and you realize you have about 10 minutes to do something, or you might just stay constipated forever. So quick as a mouse, I tapped down the hallway in 3-inch heels, try to look dignified in my entrance to the most secluded ladies room. Thankfully, it was empty as I like to poop in private. I spread out the seat protector (with “Provided by Management” printed all over it. thank you, bossman, for shelling out $0.20 to protect my ass) & sat down.
& with a wee bit of work, the blessed event occurred, followed by a sigh of complete satisfaction.
I stood up, flushed…and OH MY GOD, I clogged the industrial toilet at work. Sweet cheese & rice, how did that happen?? You could flush a small dog down one of our toilets & it would yip all the way to the sewer system. So by God, what did I eat to make my body undertake such an event?? It wasn’t overflowing, but it certainly wasn’t normal toilet behavior.
I had three options:
1) Run to the front desk & report it immediately.
2) Go to my office & report it anonymously on our Maintenance Director’s voicemail. Voice disguise, of course.
3) Flee the scene & figure they’d find it later.
So…obviously, I picked #3. Because I am a COWARD & because there are 500 other people in the building that could have been responsible. A few days later, I returned to said restroom to find the porcelein inside that specific toilet scraped severely. They had to snake an industrial toilet because of my bum.
I am still privately humiliated.
Dying. Dying so much.