tell me now, mmkay?
Because if one more person that I am close to in-real-life comes out with their secret June pregnancy, I am going to throw myself upon a bed of nails.
I am very, very blissfully happy for each & every one of them — zero bitterness, truly. How could I ever resent anyone’s happiness or the sweet blessing involved? But SWEET JESUS I thought I was done with June announcements. I thought we had moved on from there. I thought my post-miscarriage-psychosis was now contained to masochistically awaiting big u/s results.
And on that note, sometimes I wish I miscarried Harpie earlier, since the miscarriage was inevitable. Then I would have more than five weeks between the loss & my current masochistic situation — the girls I was pregnant with are now finding out the sex, planning the nursery, & showing off their darling bumps in front of Christmas trees. If I had miscarried earlier & had 10 weeks between the loss & these events, I might have a better grasp on it. Or TTCing, or potentially pregnant with Harpie Jr. Little salves that might ease the sting. Five weeks is not enough time for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am no longer a partner in crime in that scenario.
Unfortunately, I realize that this post may bring red faces, resentment, possibly guilt that is NOT YOUR FAULT should you be a reader that a) just outted a pregnancy or b) was one of my first-tri homegirls. My intention is not to “call you out” or cause you any pain. Let me repeat — THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and this post is not a result of you — it is a reflection of my insanely selfish character. I hesitated in even posting this because I knew that it could be misinterpreted as jealousy or bitterness — I doubt there is anything I could say that would deflect those opinions of my tangents. But I felt it was important to stay true to what is happening right now, and to even let someone else going through the same thing know that she is not alone.
Because pregnant or not, trying or avoiding, we are never alone.
Once I get my thoughts collected, there will be more blogging to come regarding the epic battle of the “miscarriage vs. pregnant” and the interpretations that follow. But for now I have to go tie up some loose-ends at work.
