Raw. I feel….raw.
Last night, I stopped by my parent’s to give an opinion on a Christmas present, watch Tyler Hansbrough break the scoring record, & have a glass of vino.
Momma: ::sitting down & taking a sip of wine:: “I have some news that will shock you. Absolutely floor you. It’s happy news, but I’m afraid it will make you cry.”
Blair: “Someone is pregnant.”
Momma: “Yep. Guess who?”
Blair: ::hating this game with a fiery passion of 10,000 blazing suns:: “Kari? Melissa?”
Momma: ::shakes head::
Blair: “Oh.Megan .”
Momma: ::nods:: “Megan. Isn’t that wonderful? And she’s due in June! June 19th.”
Blair: “I am so happy for her!”
And I couldn’t help it. I put my face in my hands & sobbed. I sobbed for myself & for MY baby that was due in June. My baby, that should be giving me a little bump right now. God, if she was due any other month, it wouldn’t hurt this bad.
I let myself cry for a good 20 seconds, then shook my head & pulled it together. Choked out, “I really, really am happy for her.” Which I am. If anyone deserves this baby, it’s Megan, who lost her father the month she got pregnant. Megan, who I have loved like a sister my entire life through Barbie dolls, 11 years of Girl Scouting, 10 years of swim team, & several AP classes. My mother, bless her heart, thought it would help to tell me that a) it was on accident and b) they didn’t know how they would afford it with other expenses. I held up my hand & told her to stop. Nate & I spent a year saving & planning. I don’t want to feel injustice towards my friend. I do not have it in me to feel bitterness to Megan.
I sobbed in my car the entire way back to my house. It felt gut-wrenching. The pain was not something I expected or anticipated. Other girls go through this, but not me. NOT Blair. Not the “strong one” that takes losing Harpie in stride & always searches for the silver lining. Not me, the practical & pragmatic one. I did not think that it would feel like a team of Mexicans doing the Hat Dance on my heart. Why not me, too?
And it hit me — I am a fraud. I am not the strong person you think I am. I should not thank people for complimenting me on my strength, or my poise through the situation. There are times that I crumble on the inside.
At home, I crawled into a scorching hot shower, sat down on the floor tiles, & cried. I cried for the lost opportunity for Megan & I to raise out babes together, born within days of each other. I cried that I robbed her of any joy she may have felt in telling me — as it was, she called my mother & begged her to break the news instead. I cried knowing that her baby will always be a reminder of the baby I lost — every milestone & happy picture will sting. I cried because I don’t want to be the person that feels those stings; I want to be the person that sees those pictures & feels nothing but pure joy for a friend I love. I cried for causing her worry when I miscarried — I was the cause of her worry & concern. I never want that for her. I cried because I love her too much to feel anything but joy for her, while I feel nothing but sorrow for myself.
I do not feel bitterness or sadness towards her. Truly. I only feel sorrow at the opportunity lost. & today, my heart has a huge crack in it.
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
But people are people & sometimes it doesn’t work out
Nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out
& we know it’s never simple, never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
But you’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
& I can’t breathe without you, but I have to
It’s 2am, feeling like I just lost a friend
I hope you know it’s not ‘t easy for me…
~Breathe, Taylor Swift
p.s. obv you can tell that t. swift has been gracing my car’s cd player as of late
