Literally, overwhelmed with the outreach of both friends & strangers. But in a good way. So many people have warmed my heart the past 36 hours & made this bearable. I cannot believe all the posts, the 83 responses to my initial blog (holy cow!), the emails, phone calls… In some ways, it is comforting to know that I am a good enough person & friend to even deserve this. I wish I could break down every single email, phone call, etc to thank every single person both personally & publicly, but it’s just not possible. But thank you…from the bottom of my soul, thank you & Nate thanks each of you.
Today is a good day…I am at home on the couch, with a heating pad on my bad & some good food. Nate reworked the wires to bring the laptop over to me (damn the lack of wireless) because I am too sore to sit. It’s funny, everyone speaks of the emotional agony of a miscarriage, but there is very little to prepare you for the physical pain — and let me tell you, this shit HURTS. I feel like every hole in my crotch area has been painfully violated between the catheters, dildocams, surgical procedures, and Lord knows what they did to my butt that makes it hurt so badly. My bladder hurts from being infused with 32 oz of fluid in under one minute — organs just shouldn’t be stretched like that, in my humble opinion. They gave me drugs to help my uterus contract back to normal, which is not comfortable at all. It’s a pinching, twinging, cramping feeling that I am eager to be rid of. It is still mighty uncomfy to pee, not to mention the gross crotch gush that happens every time I sneeze or cough. Like I said…it’s not pretty, but maybe it’s time someone wrote about how a m/c sucks ass physically. I’m determined to stay off pain killers today, mostly so I can imbibe in the alcohol people have so lovingly bestowed upon us.
By the way, Nate and I have laughed repeatedly that so many people are bringing us liquor. I guess when you think of Blair & Nate, you think alcohol. We are not ashamed of our reputation.
Emotionally, I am doing just fine. I keep saying that, and I think people are expecting me to crumble. Like it will justify how badly they suffered after a m/c, or maybe justify the guilt they feel in having a healthy pregnancy. Strictly speculations, but I promise that I am not hiding feelings. I may have bad days ahead, but I feel at peace with what happened. Like I said before, I know it’s nothing I did or didn’t do. There is zero reason for me to be angry or feel an injustice has occurred. Is it fair that Harpie is gone but some 15-year-old who climbed in the back of a Ford-150 gets to keep her baby? No. But I also know that there is not a “baby quota” that God abides by. Just because that 15-year-old baby mama gets to keep hers doesn’t mean that she has “stolen” my baby or robbed me of the chance of being a mother. I refuse to condone bitter thoughts, or to be consumed by a idea of unfairness.
I am sad, though. Disappointed seems to be the best term for the way I feel. I miss Harpie desperately. I feel so “alone” in my own body, and that leaves an ache in my heart. It is so weird to touch my stomach but know that there is nothing in there…no little bird growing. Just an empty, contracting uterus.
Nate & I are mostly sad for the year to come. Harpie was the “shining light” of 2009 — something wonderful & good after a shitty 2008. It is hard knowing that our baby had a heartbeat, especially since we are both firm believers that life begins at conception. We had so many dreams & expectations. Having a 6-week old at the beach vacay, first Halloween trick-or-treating in the mouse costume we already bought for $5. Five months at Thanksgiving…and now we just pray we’ll have a healthy pregnancy next Thanksgiving. We are more heartbroken because it was past the “Yay, we’re pregnant!” stage and more into planning — we bought our stroller, which will now be lovingly tucked away into Baby Crack. I barely know what to look at online now that I am not frantically researching cribs. My ears used to prick at any diaper or toy commercials, but now I feel I have no justified reason to watch them. I feel a little lost in my purpose right now, which seems to be the hardest part of the emotional ordeal, but I know I will find my way again.
It does tug on my heart to see babies, simply because it’s a reminder that I am back at Square One. Nate & I both feel like we just took 3 huge giant steps back in our lives that we can never reclaim. By the time I feel healed enough to TTC again, it will probably be January or February. TTC at a time we should be starting our nursery. Possibly hitting 12 weeks when we should be entering the third trimester, if we’re lucky. I think that is the harder part about miscarrying “later” — you feel like everything got pushed back that much further. When I see tickers for 4 weeks, 5 weeks, etc. I just sigh and think of what a long process it seems to get there again…and that is exhausting to think of although I anxiously await being there again.
It’s a good mix of highs & lows right now.
I fully understand it all, but I miss Harpie 
I want my baby back and it’s weird to think that Harpie’s just…gone. Forever. That this isn’t some horrible nightmare.
