I have no words and too many words at the same time. And yet…just one word.

Miscarriage.

I woke up yesterday morning to bleeding, clots, and cramping. Nate picked me up (I was housesitting for my parents) and took me to the Emergency Room, where numerous blood tests, 2 painful ultrasounds, & a pelvic exame later, we discovered that I was miscarrying Harpie. Right now we have no answers, except that my cervix simply did not stay closed. We are still in absolute shock — after the second ultrasound, we were told there was a less than 1% chance of miscarriage at that point. Harpie’s heartbeat was always very strong (179 bpm at 9 week u/s) and he/she always measured right on schedule, to the day. There was no inclination that anything was wrong until the bleeding began. I had no “intuition” that something may not be right; I am still in shock. Leave it to me to miscarry 4 days before the 2nd Trimester.

The doctor, praise her, made the decision for me to perform a D&E yesterday. She said that passing an 11-week fetus & placenta would simply be too much for me physically. The procedure went smoothly & I am feeling okay — bleeding a lot & in pain, but I am okay.

Part of me wants to document the happenings of yesterday & the almost labor-esque fashion that the msicarriage happened, but I feel there is little purpose to that.

I do want you to know that I am okay — in fact, some may argue that I am taking this almost too well, but I think that stems from knowing so many dear friends who have been through this. I know that it is nothing I did or didn’t do. And that it is near impossible to keep a “bad pregnancy,” and near impossible to shake a “good” one. The logic in me says that it is better this happened now instead of later, and for that I am always thankful. I am in a good place — Nate & I have certainly shed some tears, but we are taking care of each other & know that this is part of a plan that is bigger than we will ever be. I will go in for my follow-up later this week where we may learn some answers regarding my cervix, what may have happened to Harpie, etc. We plan on giving my body a few months & cycles to heal, but we will TTC a Harpie Jr. — I loved being pregnant and I want to be a mom. Nothing can shake that.

I am sad for many reasons, especially feeling like I am empty and alone in my own body. I grew to love feeling that I had Harpie with me at all times…I talked to Harpie, sang to Harpie. Like this little inside joke that just Harpie & I knew, but that we laughed all the time. I don’t care if that makes me sound a little crazy at this point — it may be the pain medication talking I am heartbroken for the dreams I had for Harpie, and the year ahead. We thought that next Thanksgiving we would have a 5-month old, but now we’re simply hoping I will be pregnant for T-day 2009.

But I also realize that I am full & fullfilled with my incredible husband & some amazing friends. I worry in some ways that this is harder on Nate, but he is doing fine so far — like I said, we are taking care of each other. My parents are coming back into town, grieving that they could not be here through the ordeal — that was probably the hardest phone call to make. My mother cried & I hated it because she had finally begun to get so excited for Harpie. And I have incredible friends, who came to my doorstep with flowers, cupcakes, fuzzy Restoration Hardware slippers, and a bottle of Beefeater.

I am going to be okay, I promise. I’m going to take a few days off work, let the news spread a bit, get piss-ass drunk one night, and then enjoy Thanksgiving. Stay tuned. ::smoochies::