Nor will they stay zipped, which means the entire office has seen my silky undies today (not really, I pulled on a long trench blazer & have kept it buttoned over the crotch area). I have maternity pants that are fantastic, but I do not want to give into them yet. Foolishness? Perhaps. But this is not a baby bump. It’s bloat. Bloat does not deserve maternity pants. Lots & lots of bloat, stemming from going one week without a decent poop.

POOP.

Yes, I said it. The stuff that comes out of everyone’s bum & the bane of every pregnant woman’s existence. I’ve talked about ass-clapping & cervical mucus, so I should not be ashamed to talk about poop. Even though I am terrified of pooping in a public restroom. In my first few weeks of pregnancy (weeks 5-7), I was massively constipated. I chugged Metamucil & Kals’ Shit Cocktail (hot water & one lemon wedge) every day. Week 7 brought on perfect daily poops. Week 8 is back to the constipation. So I broke down & am sipping some dreadful office coffee, chugging water, all in the hopes of taking a massive poo today so I can BUTTON MY DAMN PANTS before going to an industry-wide reception this afternoon without looking ridiculous.

I’m starting to re-think my stand on maternity pants, though. Maybe I should just give in. But it’s like…once you go mat, you never go back. & I always take advantage of big clothes — look, my 14′s are big on me! I can totally have another cheeseburger! I do not want to fall victim of thinking my maternity pants are large & therefore deserving of a plate of french fries when I’ll need that room for an actual baby in a few months.

Mmkay, I’m off for a brisk walk through the halls with my coffee. I’ll let you know how it goes.